Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Wednesday Quick Thoughts

- Travis Hafner is seeking a second opinion on his sore right shoulder. Hey Cleveland, want me to spell it out for you? Tell "Pronk" to start sticking that needle in his ass again. I know to you charmingly obese Mid-Westerners, it's inconceivable that this lovable, video game playing weirdo from North Dakota would ever juice, but look at how drastically his power numbers have decreased since the drug-testing crackdown a couple of years ago. Stats don't lie.

- Hank Steinbrenner, after his recent comments about the DH rule in the NL, is quickly becoming that boss you've had in the past (or still have) who knows shit about a sport, but continually butts in to a conversation hoping to be a part of it, but instead he drops lines that enhance his ignorance and make everyone else feel awkward. Stop talking, Hank. Just stop. Take a deep breath, go back into your office, slap Brain Cashman's yarmulke off, smoke some more cigarettes, and then whack off to another Jennifer Love Hewitt picture, Porky.

- The Cubs are in 1st place, they have the best record in baseball and they are adored by millions of dip-shits and housewives across the country who vaguely follow baseball and are starting to load up on the stupid wagon that's been empty since the Sox vacated it in 2004. Ryan Dempster is their #2 starter. Enough said. They are not going to win the World Series. But I hope HBO makes 54 more documentaries on them and ESPN runs 185 specials on the Cubbies. I hope newspapers from LA to NY get behind them and root them on. I hope they get to the World Series and end up in a Game 7 at home and with 2 outs in the bottom of the 9th, down by 1 with the bases loaded, whoever is at bat undramatically pops out to the catcher to end the game. That would make me laugh so hard, I might shit my pants.

- Jose Reyes is a fucking baby. The guy has all the tools to be a real superstar - he can run, he can hit, he can field, he can have sex with Lindsay Lohan and not get gonorrhea - but instead of harboring it all, he throws tantrums and makes his new manager look like a dick. Great move, Omar, I hope the Wilpons fire you and toss your shit onto the curb while you're in the middle of blowing Pedro behind the paper-mache apple in the outfield.

- If Mark Shapiro holds on to C.C. Sabathia instead of trading him, I should be appointed General Manager of the team. That should be in the guidelines, because not only is it proving that GM's over-think and overvalue trading chips - they are also retarded. And that's where I come in...

I Hate NY Update

1. The guys Who Wear These Justin Timberlake-esque Fedoras

I don't when this trend started, but it needs to stop. You do not, in any way, shape, or form, look or resemble Justin Timberlake. You look like an asshole wearing a hat made for a gay man.

2. Off Track Betting Venues

I know this might strike a nerve with some of the people who visit this site - because they are degenerate gamblers - but hear me out before jumping to conclusions. I like to gamble every so often, I think it's fine for a normal person who goes to work every day to throw away their savings on a bullshit trifecta, but what I don't want is to have to see the mutants that frequent these places when I want to get a sandwich for lunch. It makes me want to vomit. They might as well set up a outpost where lowlifes can give away their childcare payments and stand around smelling like gin and B.O.

3. Tourists Who Ask Me to Take Pictures of Them

Let me give you a great piece of advice, Mr. Foreigner with your trendy black sunglasses and a stupid tanktop that lets your nipple hang out the armpit hole, if I'm holding this black thing up to my ear, it means I'm talking to someone on the phone, not waiting for you to come over, stammer through some broken English, and become your personal photographer. Drag along one of your family members for that, dickhead.

4. The AM New York People

Anyone who works in the city knows who they are - they stand inconveniently in front of a major foot traffic staircase/walkway and try and stuff a shitty paper in your hands. I should not be obligated to say no to you. I should not be obligated to take a paper and then throw it out five seconds later. Stop putting shit in my hands unless it's money or a firebomb to torch your stash of papers.

Sandwich Board Sodomizers

5. While on the subject of people causing sidewalk traffic jams, let me put this quandry out there - If I'm ever faced with either becoming that guy who has to wear a sandwich board and hand out flyers for Men's suits, or take a header off the Brooklyn Bridge - Guess who's doing a belly flop into the East River? This guy, motherfuckers!


Mister Turkey said...

If the Cubs go anywhere near the World Series I may have to consider killing myself. The number of "Go Cubs Go" remixes would be unbearable...

Here's an example, but don't say I didn't warn you:

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