Monday, July 28, 2008

Deadline Schmedline

Well, it's that time of year again - when teams make moronic trades and overpay for the services of guys who are no longer competent, or are on loan for the remaining three months of the season...That's right, it's the MLB trading deadline!

Who's (not) going to be traded? What big name is going to be brought up in fake trade discussions, simply because some writer felt the need to do so and has no information to back it? Who is (not) disgruntled, but is trying to leverage more money from some dick owner?

Most of this week is hype. But unless you're landing a sure-thing that could put your team over the top and into the playoff hunt, then my advice is hold on to those prospects, because there will be more Ken Phelps/Heathcliff Slocumb/Blake Stein's to land at midnight and then suck down the stretch in the near future.

So, here's a quick rundown of who(re: most likely none)might be wearing a new uniform this time next week.

Manny Ramirez - Boston

Possible Destinations: Omar Minaya's pull-out couch, the room above Vladimir Guerrero's detached garage.

Manny isn't going anywhere, but leave it up to the media to get aroused over the mere thought of a trade actually happening. It's like clockwork - every year, right around this time, we as fans are forced to read through an endless series of articles detailing the demise of Manny Ramirez in Boston. But somehow, each year, we end up with the same conclusion: Manny delivers in the clutch, racists from Boston swear they never wanted him off their beloved squad in the first place and rejoice by punching their girlfriends in the face.

Mark Teixeira - Atlanta

Possible Destinations: Anywhere in the NL West, where he immediately becomes the biggest offensive threat in the whole division.

So let me get this straight - Tex is dealt near last year's deadline because his contract is up at the end of the 2008 season, and now he's being dealt again for the same reason by the team that acquired him last year for high level prospects? That's plain dumb. So, they give pay raises to players who haven't earned and don't deserve the money (Rafael Soriano), but pretend they're broke when a free-agent-to-be asks for a contract extension? Now here's the real issue - where is all that money Atlanta makes selling those stupid fucking tomahawks going? Huh? Ohhhhhhhhhh Ohhhh Oh Ohhhhhhhhhh, fuck off, you cheap bastards.

Matt Holliday - Colorado

Possible Destinations: The basement underneath Theo "Zed" Epstein's shop

Holliday's 2007 home stats - .376 AVG, 25 HR, 82 RBI, .722 SLG
Holliday's 2007 away stats - .301 AVG, 11 HR, 55 RBI, .485 SLG

If I can figure out how to access this kind of information, than so can every other GM in baseball. But for some reason, they think stats lie. And that's why I believe I can do a better job than them. Because stats don't lie. And they don't cheat on you when they're drunk, either.

Ron Mahay - Kansas City

Possible Destinations: Another small market team that needs an entire franchise overhaul, let alone a fucking left-handed reliever.

Who's Ron Mahay, you ask? I say, who gives a shit.

Bronson Arroyo - Cincinnati

Possible Destinations: As long as the location does not start with "The" and end with "Bronx", I'm happy.

He's actually one of the guys who will be moved before Thursday, and I'm pretty sure Cincinnati is more than willing to accept any used kitchen appliances and/or furniture in exchange. And it will be an equal exchange, because Arroyo will deliver the same in return - a weak performance and an uncomfortable seating experience (*note - his back is lumpy).

Jason Bay - Pittsburgh

Possible Destinations: Knowing Pittsburgh's savvy ways and history of intelligent deals: Tokyo

From what I can gather from my sources (AK, the bum outside my office who smells like cottage cheese, - Pittsburgh is asking for the secret to life in exchange for their prized right-handed power bat. Well, it just so happens that I know it - the secret to life is drinking heavily, doing drugs, and smoking butts. Seriously. Ask Josh Hamilton.

George Sherrill - Baltimore

Possible Destinations: Where he becomes the guy who cleans up after C.C. Sabathia gets done eating his daily meal of live calf and babies.

One of this year's success stories (did you know Josh Hamilton is just like Roy Hobbs from The Natural?), Sherrill could very well be shipped out of town. Hopefully, wherever he lands, the first thing he is forced to do is bend his fucking hat like every other white player in his early 30's in the big leagues.



1. Eggs

I love eggs. I can eat them at any time on any given day. Wake me up at 4am after a drinking binge and I’ll eat them off the fucking floor. Hand them to me on a golden-brown roll and you might even find yourself turned on over how beautifully I devour the eggs. Places that stop selling eggs at a certain time are expendable – meaning they should and will be torched, eventually, by me. Want to eat eggs 4 times a day? Yes. Don’t care if your cholesterol hits 350? Nope. I put eggs on my fucking filet of sol. I peg my friends in the face with hard-boiled eggs. I drizzle the juice from soft-boiled eggs all over my pant-less thighs. Eggs, eggs, eggs, motherfucker – I love them.

2. Cheap Beer

Want to talk shop about great beers, great hops, great drinking temperatures, great lager and great ale? FUCK OFF. I like shitty beer; I’m no longer ashamed to admit it. Why? Because I was bred on it in high school. The first beer I ever got drunk on was Coors Arctic Ice, and that shit was so bad they don’t even make it anymore. If the beer doesn’t have a metal taste to it, I turn my nose up. Please pass me the Keystone or the Miller or the Beast – and don’t forget the Natty Ice; the first sip of this nectar is better than a pornstar handy.

3. Vacation

This is a given, because who doesn’t love vacation? Exotic locales, new people, new places, new languages, different money, exciting cultures…


Give me a beach chair that itches my damp ass all day, a cooler full of the above paragraph, a few sporadic cigarettes, and some cool ocean breeze, and this guy is all set. Plane rides and ferries? Nope. The Turnpike to the Garden State Parkway to the shore – those are all the transportation routes I’ll need. And I’m not talking about Seaside or one of those complete wastelands, I like the good shit – the classy NJ that nobody knows about (ie: no class at all, but who cares). Maybe I’ll take a quick ride to AC, but only if I’m feeling adventurous – and AC is as adventurous as a park-and-ride (although more dangerous than catching a ride home with Jim Leyritz). But who needs the headache of really traveling? The last thing I want to do on a day off from work is sit in an airport and suspiciously eye every person who has a darker skin tone than me, and I’m almost translucent. Fuck that. Call me a classless piece-of-shit, and I’ll raise my glass to you while cleaning the sand out of my crack.


1. People Who Swear By Famous Quotes

I can’t stand when people do this. It literally makes bile crawl up the back of my throat and wade around in my mouth.

“Carpe Diem” – ‘I live by this’ (or some follow-up of that nature) – No you do not. You spent yesterday sleeping on your couch, too hung-over to even get up and eat anything. You really seized the day there, dick-breath.

“Live Laugh Love” – This is one of the most aggravating ones out there. That’s all you need in the world right? Wrong. Who’s going to pay my fucking cell phone bill? Who’s covering rent? Who’s worrying about the faulty lock on the door every time I hear something in the middle of the night? I’m not going to Laugh, or Love any of that shit, but I do want to continue to Live.

2. People Who Laugh at Dumb Shit During a Movie

Am I missing the joke? Seriously, am I? What the fuck is so funny about a fart (unless it’s me doing it silently in an elevator full of douchebags)? Farts in movies are rarely funny. But it’s not always farts. It’s the horse shit comedy during a movie where all the people with 4 brain cells nearly shit their pants over some hokey line. I’m not trying to sound ‘better’ than anyone - because God knows I’m not - but when it comes to dumbing yourself down, laughing at something that’s been retread more than Leonard Little’s tires, well, I want to fucking puke.

3. Uppercase-Lowercase Writing

So looking and speaking like a complete asshole doesn’t cut it for you – it needs to be in writing as well? Seriously, every kid who decides to write like “tHiS” should be shepherded off to a farm and forced to do 12 hours shifts of nothing but grammar trees, if only to appease my criticism of America’s public school system and hatred for fuck-heads who don’t realize they are fucking doomed to be bottom feeders for life.


Joan of said...

Your anger makes me smile

Dan said...

In the same vain of that whole live by a quote thing, someone in my office has the quote "Own It!" etched on the bottom of every one of his emails. Including his replies. It makes me want to go straight to white castle, each upwards of 20 sliders (side note: sliders should be on the list of awesome), take a crap in the corner of his office (it would hurt so much but be soooo worth it) and then put a make believe plant over it so he didn't know that it was there and force him to deal with the shitastic voracity of that said poop.

I hate it.

Doc Holliday said...

See? People are such fucking losers, it makes me sad.

Because I love the song, "All these things that I've done" does that mean I need to get a fucking tatoo? You find me 50 people who ACTUALLY follow their "mantra" and I'll eat an entire box of steel wool.