Wednesday, July 23, 2008

The Doomed Ones

Purgatory - the place between Heaven and Hell. If you don't recognize the term, then Google it while you stuff your fat face at lunch tomorrow, because you’re headed there. Unless you’re an Atheist, because then you’re going to spend eternity in a studio apartment with no air conditioning above a Chinese food take-out dump in Washington Heights.

Baseball players go to purgatory too, you know, only they do it while they’re still alive. And there are a ton of players stuck in limbo - for one reason or another. What have they done to deserve such a harsh punishment? I have no clue, but I'm waiting for the day that God gets around to punishing current NFL players, because then, hopefully, guys like Pac Man Jones (you don't like that name anymore? Well, fuck you funny man, you’re stuck with it) will be routinely raped by a gigantic white gay man named "Mac Delicious".

But until this comes true, us caring sports fans (no) will have to watch in pity (and slight amusement) as these stand-up-guys continue to deliver stellar numbers day-in and day-out while their fan base worries more about what type of chic/homo-erotic clothing is in style this Spring, or what kind of new swelling-of-the-heart-food will kill them quickest.

1. Roy Halladay
He's an absolute beast, a Cy Young Award winner, and the kind of guy who will take the mound and at the very least, keep the other team honest (AK-term alert). Unfortunately for Halladay, Toronto has awarded his fortitude by never allowing him to play in a post season game. My advice to Roy? Run. Run when you're contract expires. Run the fuck away from those non-caring, French-speaking cocksuckers (Me = assumes everyone in Canada speaks French). Go play for a team that doesn't set up golf tournaments with an annual October 4th start date. No matter how hard David Eckstein cries, you have to go.

Movin’ On Up Date: 2010
Age at Above Date: 34
Prognosis: Unless he’s duped into another contract extension by that fucking guido J.P. Riccardi, Halladay should be getting his pictures taken for his passport. But if not, than he deserves each and every anally punishing visit from Mac.

2. Jake Peavy
Can you really call Southern California purgatory? I can. I hate the West Coast (no offense). I dislike any area of the country where it takes 23 minutes to get a fucking turkey sandwich and where white people call each other “Homes” (no offense). And Peavy did guarantee his stay on a team with zero power, uber-fuckhead Brian Giles, and a stadium with the following outfield dimensions: 498x677x599.

Movin' On Up Date: 2012
Age at Above Date: 31
Prognosis: By that point, his shit should be already packed and ready to go.

3. Matt Cain
Cain is an Ace in waiting. And why is he “in waiting”? Because he plays for a team that would lose a home run derby to a picnic table. What makes things so bleak is, according to scouts, San Francisco doesn’t have an answer on the horizon either, because their farm system is starving for power-prospects. So Cain will be stuck with numbers similar to his 2007 mark: 7-16, 3.65 ERA, 163 K. Fun!

Movin' On Up Date: 2011
Age at Above Date: 27
Prognosis: Unless San Francisco stops taking retard medicine and starts to realize that guys like Randy Winn and Bengie Molina are not building blocks, Cain is willing (and Abel – zing!) to leave.

4. Nick Markakis
Say what you want about the Greeks (don’t mind if I do: They’re selfish, hairy, greasy, creepy, prick-ish and a little gay – just kidding AK…kind of), but leave good ol' Nick out of that debate. He can hit, field, steal bases and make sick Spanakopita. But he plays in Baltimore, which is similar to playing “Try not to catch Syphilis” in Grand Central’s men’s room while gagged and blindfolded and with one leg tied to your back.

Movin' On Up Date: Still eligible for one more year of arbitration, so probably 2010.
Age at Above Date: 27
Prognosis: About as gone as you would be if you decided to drink too much in Baltimore's Inner Harbor, wander five blocks north into the ghetto, and then start a ‘Hitler’ chant.

5. Jason Bay
His name has been involved in about 50 trade rumors, starting all the way back in February, but he’s still rotting in Pittsburgh, still hoping to see his name on the Sportscenter ticker so he can burn his house down and take a shit on the Ampipe High School football field. Maybe if he leaves Pittsburgh then he’ll get some sort of recognition, because as long as he's there, he either needs to hit 60 HR’s or cure cancer to even be mentioned in the same breath as that walking pile-of-shit Ben Roethlisberger.

Movin' On Up Date: End of 2009
Age at Above Date: 31
Prognosis: He’ll probably be gone by the time you finish reading this sentence…because you’re retarded.


King Dong said...

Don't forget Felix Hernandez. Don't know about his contract, but he's pretty much screwed for a while in Seattle.

Dan said...

Also, don't feel so bad for Matt Cain. He'll at least have some company. Tim Lincecum I believe is locked up through 2013. You know, the guy that probably should have been the starter for the NL All-Star game if he wasn't A) dying and B)getting railed by Brian Sabean repeatedly with a fungo bat and some hemorrhoid cream (of course, provided by Kaz Matsui)

Doc Holliday said...

@Dan - that made me laugh out loud - I was on vacation so I just got around to reading about Lincecum basically being on his death bed while everyone else was prancing down 6th Avenue.