Wednesday, July 9, 2008

The End is Near

There are very few career defining milestones left in baseball that are attainable by players today. Several of these writer-orgasming, announcer-climaxing achievements have been raped and pillaged silly over the last few years, only because so many guys did them in succession. But once all of these old men fade gently into retirement and snug diapers, then what do we have left to look forward to? How many milestones will be reached in the next decade? You're thinking, "A dick-load" right? Well, not so fast, nerd - why don't you recalculate your...calculations.

Here's a quick rundown of 2 major milestones, and who might have a shot at attaining one of them, and which ones could end up becoming achievements of the gods in the next twenty years.

3,000 Hits - Top Ten Active
*Not including Bonds, because Bud Selig already had him killed

2. Ken Griffey Jr. - 2,629
Hate to say it, but this guy isn't getting to 3K. He's basically running on scotch-taped legs, an arm made out of processed salami (hard, not Genoa) and memories of all that hot-ass he nailed and then eyed slowly as he jogged out of the bedroom back in the mid-90's.
Odds of Reaching 3,000: Sorry, Kid, you're not making it.

3. Omar Vizquel - 2,620
He's 65. No shot. But he might be a Hall of Famer. Then again, if you're not Ozzie Smith, the HOF voting panel cares as much about defense as a man from Wisconsin does cholesterol results.
Odds of Reaching 3,000: No - osteoporosis, maybe, but no to the former question.

4. Ivan Rodriguez - 2,571
Now that he stopped using steroids and plummeted back to earth, Baby-head has been quietly ripping off a chain of mediocre statistical seasons.
Odds of Reaching 3,000: "Not gonna' happen, fat boy, now get the fuck off my porch."

5. Luis Gonzalez - 2,562
Really? Luis Gonzalez? How did he make it this far? Oh right, HE'S BEEN PLAYING SINCE 1990!
Odds of Reaching 3,000: He shouldn't be here in the first place. None.

6. Gary Sheffield - 2,562
Between writing unintelligible reverse-racist books and being injured, Sheff has finally slowed to a halt. He may stick around for a few more years, but not long enough to get to the mark.
Odds of Reaching 3,000: Same odds as me winning a "Who's More Fucking Insane?" contest against him.

7. Derek Jeter - 2,450
Jeter is the youngest in the top ten and still the most productive, even though he's having a down year. But if he plays 4 more years and averages 137 hits, he's there, and he will almost certainly do better than that AND play longer. So, all you pundits out there can go suck on Captain Clutches' privileged and yet slightly spoiled cock for being haters. Ohhhhhhhh, snap!
Odds of Reaching 3,000: 99.999999%

8. Frank Thomas - 2,448
Hall of Famer? Yes. Douchebag? Yes. Freakishly small head in contrast to his statuesque body? Yes. 3,000 hits? No.
Odds of Reaching 3,000: The end is near for The Big Hurt.

9. Kenny Lofton - 2,428
Since Lofton was given his pink slip - like the old man at the plant who still has the ability to work, but management wants him to retire because they think some hot-shot kid should take over to pump some life into the cash-hemmoriging company - he doesn't really have a shot. And to tell you the truth, I'm actually surprised he's gotten this far, but like Gonzo, he's been around since I was still rocking the butt-cut and jams.
Odds of Reaching 3,000: Being forced into retirement does not bode well for Lofton.

10. Jeff Kent - 2,409
It's bad enough that we will all have to hear this cocky motherfucker give his Cooperstown speech, but seeing him reach 3,000 hits would be unbearable. I do like his 'stache though, so watching that bristling thing of beauty for an hour would be more entertaining than Luis Gonzalez's entire career. Hiyoooooo!
Odds of Reaching 3,000: Who cares?

And now on to the more depressing statistical milestone - the 300 game winners.

300 Wins - Top Ten Active
*I'm not including the odds section, because it's pretty fucking obvious who will, who might, and who won't

1. Randy Johnson - 289
The Wild Ostrich is still grinding away, trying to get to the top of the mountain. And knowing how brilliant (and socially awkward!) this guy is, he will probably risk his health and comfortable retirement to win 300, even though he would probably be voted in by Tribesman in South America that still piss with their leg in the air and eat other human-beings. But hey, I guess you gotta' give him some credit for diligence.

2. Mike Mussina - 261
This year's resurgence is a real surprise, but at 39, does Moose have 39 more wins in him? Better yet, does the famished team that signs him next year have enough offense to get him there before he's 60? Umm, no.

3. Jaime Moyer - 237
This is where it gets ridiculous. Only 63 wins to go, huh Jaime? Yeah, let's stick to something realistic, like 240. But have fun being creepy looking and resembling Chris Cooper in American Beauty.

4. Kenny Rogers - 216
Fuck off. I hate you.

5. Curt Schilling - 216
He can thank Boston management for telling him to avoid surgery and advising him to rehab so he could pitch this year, only to find out he needs surgery regardless and that most likely his career is finished. Seems like they really appreciate what this guy did for them in '04 and '07 and never, ever think, "What have you done for me later?"

6. Pedro Martinez - 212
The Hispanic, Jeri-curled, borderline insane version of Sandy Koufax - he doesn't need 300 to get his plaque.

7. Andy Pettite - 211
No, but before the HGH shit, and before Roger Clemens took him under his wing and bullied him into taking steroids, he could have been a borderline Cooperstown inductee. I really fucking hate Roger Clemens, by the way...and I'm kidding about the other stuff too...kind of.

8. John Smoltz - 210
Smoltz won't get 300, and he probably is finished for good after his most recent surgery, but he should be in the Hall of Fame. People that argue against his induction are most likely Braves haters or fat traditionalists who support The Board of Education over Brown. So, fuck them, Smoltz goes in.

9. Tim Wakefield - 173
Yes, Tim Wakefield. TIM WAKEFIELD. Game. Over.

10. Bartolo Colon - 150
Oh, he only needs to double what's he's already done in his career? Yeah, that seems feasible.

*I love how this post went from Milestones to Hall of Fame worthy in the pitching section, only because it's ridiculous how we might never see a 300 game winner after these guys retire. Anyway, self-diagnosed ADD is fun.


Ice said...

Fun post... Though I doubt Kent's Cooperstown speach will be an hour-long... During a Sunday-Night baseball game, when one of his teammates was going through the starting lineup, his (I can't remember who was reading the lineup) teammate introduced Kent as "Jeff 'the man with half a personality' Kent"... If you can't be happy on a baseball field I kinda feel bad for the guy... Ehhh.. Nevermind, fuck-em.

Doc Holliday said...

See, that's why I feel like his induction speech will take forever. I can see him standing up there, clearing his throat and shuffling a handful of blank paper for a good fifteen minutes alone, so once he starts talking, it will take at least an hour for him to spit out everything he wants to say.