Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Head to Head: Who Sucks at Life More?

Over the past six months or so, two legendary players of my generation have seemingly gone out of their way to paint a huge dick on their forehead, just to make sure all of their fans and admirers forget about the good old days, the pre-dick-on-head days, when they were excelling at their respective sport and not painting dicks on their heads.

But those days are officially gone. I can't hear Roger Clemens' name without thinking, "Hmm, he threw his wife under the bus to protect his already tarnished image, and his defense during the congressional hearings has been weaker than Lindsay Lohan's 'no blowjob on the first date' rule".

I also can not hear someone utter Brett Favre's name without thinking, "Hmm, remember when he was on national TV and he initiated that over-the-top snowball fight because he knew all of America was watching even though anyone with half a brain knew he was running that All-American-Boy bullshit nonsense into the ground? What a fucking nerd."

In any event, I'm a forgiving guy, but these two assholes are officially in Fucked Town. And there can only be one King in Fucked Town, so a case has to be made for one of the two.

So here it is - one guy asked for it, one guy pretended not to ask for it while secretly asking for it. Now I ask you, kind sir, who is more of a dick - Roger Clemens or Brett Favre?

Case for Clemens

- Vehemently denied steroid allegations despite the fact that all testimonies were pretty much legit and the defendant had the needle, the Miller Lite can, and a blood, stool and semen sample from the plaintiff.

- Predicted other people on the Mitchell Report would deny their respective implications - instead they came clean and gained some integrity back.
*note - Clemens did no such thing

- Blamed all allegations on his wife. Probably has sought sexual release from various broad-shouldered prostitutes and/or 15 year-old country singers since.

- Encouraged wife to do steroids, but not the de-uglification kind of steroids.

- Ruined a good Christian boy in Andy Pettite.
*note - Me = hopes Roger dies slowly from sepsis of the cock for this

- Murdered a drifter at a Texas area rest stop over a bag of Baked Cool Ranch Doritos.
*note - not true

- Will probably be the only player to ever win 350+ and not get in the Hall of Fame simply because he's an asshole.
*note - I still think he deserves to be in the Hall of Fame. Take away steroids, and he's still one of the most dominate pitchers ever. And don't forget he was pitching to guys like Jose Canseco, Juan Gonzalez, Albert Belle and Rafael Palmeiro...wait a second, who am I, fucking Peter Gammons now? On second thought - fuck him.

Case for Favre

- "I'm just here to play football" shtick is as old/annoying and as insincere as it can be at this point.

- Is currently fucking over the Packers and the citizens of Green Bay to pump more air into stupid ego even though his fans renounced Jesus (and healthy non-artery clogging food) just to please him.

- Performance in "There's Something About Mary" holds up 10 years later as well as a dildo that's been sat on by Louie Anderson.

- Is not in the upper echelon of QB's anymore and will not turn a loser team into instant contender.
*note - I do not understand where this theory originated but it is absolute horseshit and it drives me fucking insane.

- Again: Putting Favre on the Falcons does not make them a good team.
*note - it's similar to the phenomenon where fat people naturally assume that since they weigh a metric ton, than they must be tough. I can't stress this point enough: being fat does not make you tough, it makes you more likely to suffer from sleep apnea and heart disease, but does not increase your chances in a street fight.

- Was secretly contacting his arch-rival of 15+ years, the Minnesota Vikings, on his Green Bay Packers issued cell phone to try and lobby for a job...really, Brett?
*note - As much as Green Bay's uppity sense of fandom dries me up the wall, I have to admit, this is super low on Brett's part. The team treated him like a fucking god for almost two decades, and to show them how much that means, he decides that he wants to go play for their arch-rival. Why not just throw a grenade into the Lambeau Leap section and be done with it?

- Cries a lot
*note - See above photo

- Broke fellow cocksucker Dan Marino's NFL records, and is now trying to break his record for being the biggest douchebag in history record as well.


So, who is it going to be - The hurler or the gunslinger? You make the call.

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