Wednesday, July 2, 2008

The Boring Mid-Season Awards

This maybe the most overcooked angle in baseball reporting, but I'm doing it anyway, because I'm bored, and I'm sick of searching for stories to rant about. Here's a quick rundown, and just for the record, I firmly stand behind all of my choices, and I don't care if certain players are having worse years, but feel free to waste your breath about it in the comments.

AL MVP: Josh Hamilton - .308 BA, 19 HR, 80 RBI

While I am happy that Hamilton is playing well and putting up gaudy numbers, I'm super-sick of hearing about how Hamilton's resurgence is such a "feel-good" story. And granted, it's not his fault it's brought up 2.5 times per inning, per game - it's the bullshit announcers fault because they just can't help but to remind the audience that Hamilton, at one point, was addicted to heroin, coke, alcohol, crack, smack, weed, nicotine, sex, porn, painkillers, prostate exams and McDonald's Arch-Deluxes.

Hey guys, we get it, the guy liked to fucking get down, plow some slutty coke-whores , polish off a handle of Jack, and party. It's not like he got his knee-cap shattered by a lunatic with a knife while defending a cripple.

AL LVP: Travis Hafner - .217 BA, 4HR 27 RBI
*currently on the DL

I remember reading an article back in 2006 about the ridiculous work ethic Travis Hafner swears by. I remember saying, "Wow, that's dedication to your trade - I like this guy". Then I remember reading an article last year that discussed the mysterious decline of Hafner's power. Then I remember hearing about the Mitchell Report. Then I remember refusing to do simple math, and I drafted Hafner in my fantasy league this year to man the utility spot. Then I remember the urge to shoe myself in the face while watching my team's power-hitters shit the bed over and over and over...

AL Cy Young: Cliff Lee - 11-1, 2.26 ERA, 93 K

How can you not want to strangle yourself with a belt when you think back to this past offseason and remember that any team could have traded for Lee at a discount? Seriously, he was made super-available by Cleveland, but everyone balked, because his injuries were over-analyzed. And now look what happens.

Can't wait to watch that fucking fatso Sidney Ponson start again.

AL Non-Cy Young: Carlos Silva - 4-9, 5.69 ERA

It's way too easy to pick on Seattle, and the main reason I chose Silva over Dontrelle Willis and Ian Kennedy is I called this (along with anyone who has a brain bigger than a walnut) before the season started. Silva sucks. He always sucked, and he will be sucking for as long as he is around. Look at all of those tenses!

NL MVP: Lance Berkman - .361 BA, 22 HR, 68 RBI

"Big Puma" is really shredding it this year, more so than all those other years he's been ignored by writers because they've been too busy sucking the cocks of loser players like Andruw Jones and Adam Dunn. Realistically - barring a Roy Hobbs-type year by Chipper Jones - there is an outside shot that Berkman wins the Triple Crown. Remember, I said "outside shot", not "serious shot", so save all the cat calls for the pretty ladies walking down the street - wucka-wucka!

But he is #2 in AVG, #3 in HR's, and #1 in RBI's as of today, so if you don't like reality, then fuck off.

NL LVP: Andruw Jones - .165 BA, 2 HR, 7 RBI
*currently on the DL

Scott Boras should be fucking caned by an Asian man with a nasally voice and a real short temper for finagling this contract out of LA. No, fuck that, you know what? Ned Colletti should be violated with a broken lenox vase instead. Who thought giving Jones $36 million was a good idea? His power numbers are gone, he's attached to the biggest pile of shit/Satan agent in all of baseball, and he's basically a washed up has-been at 31 years old. Personally, I would have avoided Jones like the plague, but what do I know, I'm just some asshole using a free blog space(ah, the irony). And my favorite part of the whole deal is fans in LA sort of seem proud that the Dodgers are off the hook and rid of Jones after next season. Hmm, that's like giving a drunk-driver a high-five for avoiding the brick wall, but crashing into the off-ramp water cans instead - the damage is already done, dickheads.

NL Cy Young - Edison Volquez - 10-3, 2.24 ERA, 113 K

This is another part of the Hamilton story that I'm sick of the media drooling over. The Reds got a potential top of the rotation guy in Volquez and the Rangers got a middle of the order hitter in Hamilton. Big fucking deal! So the trade was beneficial for both teams? Really? Guess what you cynical fuckers - it's supposed to be!

NL Darren Dreifort - Aaron Harang - 3-10, 4.47 ERA, 1.34 WHIP

Aaron Harang, you bastard...You were the model of consistency over the past two seasons - 16 wins and at least 200 K's, all achieved very quietly and under the radar. But what happens when I give you a shot and hype you up to win 20 this year? You fail. You are a fucking failure. You make your children (I have no idea if you have kids or if you take it up the ass) ashamed to carry the glorious and audibly pleasing name Harang.

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