Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Off Topic Time: Step Brothers

Since the trade dealine is living up to the hype - trading Teixeira is fucking played - I decided to see what others had to say about a movie I saw the other night, Step Brothers, and of course, was forced to post my opinion.

If there's one thing that gets me more worked up than stupid homer sports writers (Bill Simmons, Jim Caple), it's stuck-up movie critics, a la that fat-fuck Roger Ebert.

Ebert's been around for years, filling the world with his pale criticism and sticking his thumbs up any vague, or foreign, or obscure film's ass, while continually trashing any mainstream comedies that don't include the sidesplittingly funny Hugh Grant or the cutesy Sandra Bullock. He also killed off one of his co-hosts (no) and apparently has gained more clout since then.

Well, I think he is full of shit.

For example, he recently bashed the living shit out of Step Brothers (here), with an argument that contains more holes than Darrent Williams SUV (too soon?). Acting offended by a movie that carries the Apatow tag is like acting surprised when you find out you caught gonorrhea from that Thai hooker you had unprotected sex with at an Econo Lodge.

We get it, Rog, Step Brothers is gross, and raw, and filled with fucking "potty language" (what are you five?) - nobody out there is denying this. But what you fail to realize is it's supposed to be - that's the kind of movie it is. If you walked into the theater expecting this, instead of drooling over a picture of macaroni cheese on a hot dog, then maybe you would have been fair before doling out a shitty rating.

Just for reference, and a few hearty laughs, let's take a look at some of his more recent movie ratings:

Indiana Jones IV: ***
I'm guessing he was drunk when he saw this. That, or my assumption that he is a blubbering dope is true. This movie sucked cock. Like Rog.

You Don't Mess with the Zohan: ***

I actually saw this one (don't ask why), and I know that I would rather watch a janitor paint a high school gym than ever see this complete pile of shit ever again.

Shotgun Stories: ****
Like I said before, praise the obscure, dark, independent film no matter if it's good or not. I saw this last year at the Tribeca Film Festival (fancy alert) and let me say, it is far from 4 stars. It's fucking weird and relatively pointless. Hence, four stars from the fatso.

Look, I'm not going to sit here and say Step Brothers was on the same level as Old School or even Anchorman - it wasn't, far from it - but did I laugh? Yes. Was I entertained to the point where I felt vindicated of the $26 I spent? Yes. Was it better than Ferrell's last two travesties - Semi-Pro and Blades of Glory? Absolutely.

Ebert's review only reinforced why I never listen to professional opinions. But here's some advice, in case he should ever want to know how the public feels: Not every movie is meant to be a piece of art. Some are meant to be pieces of shit. Shit is funny. Art is not. That's the difference. Deal with it. It's not society's fault that everyone doesn't still enjoy sitting around reading the Saturday Evening Post or the National Lampoon and beating their spouses. Times change, old man, so either move on, or stop being such a offended little bitch.

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