Monday, July 21, 2008

A Second Half Quickie


Well, I'm back from vacation and let me just say, nothing says welcome home like the sweet-and-sour smell of piss and puke on the subway platform, followed by the coma-inducing smell of hot garbage on the streets of beautiful Manhattan. It absolutely trumps the smell of the ocean and the taste of 57 Coors Lights while sitting on a deck in the breezy late-afternoon sun. Abso-fucking-lutely.

Anyway, bitterness aside, I have a few predictions to make before I venture out into the 95 degree heat to buy a $12 sandwich.

The Mets will win the NL East

Oh, what's this - Doc is rooting for the Mets? No, I'm really not, but I just don't see any other team doing it - and by "any other team", I mean the Phillies, because the rest of the division is as competitive as a Spelling Bee at Neptunes in the Hampton's. The Phillies do have a stacked lineup, and they did just get Joe Blanton, but their rotation overall is still shaky, especially when you're expecting 200 innings from a guy older than your mom, AKA Jaime "Chris Cooper" Moyer. If Oliver Perez has finally put down the gravity bong and Jose Reyes stops getting his period every 4 days, the Mets have no reason not to runaway with the crown, especially since Philadelphia decided to not be good anymore.

Bob Geren's Face Will Explode

Have you seen oddity of science? It's amazing - his face looks like someone is constantly grabbing the sides of it and tugging it forward as hard as they can. That, or he's going mock-5 backwards. It's weird. Plus he has to deal with an evil GM who lets Geren think the A's might have a shot at contending, and then deals away his whole rotation. I think Billy Beane gets off on pissing off his managers. That or he's a sadistic cocksucker who likes torturing old men.

The Cubs Will Lose in the Divisional Round of the Playoffs

I can see it now, the Cubs go into the first round heavy favorites, and then get swept. Elderly tears are shed, and a whole city collapses in a heap of weepy self-pity. And then this guy laughs his fucking ass off, because you know what? Fuck them and their stupid "curse" - maybe if you grow up and stop believing in fake shit you might be able to realistically watch sports and blame bad play instead of some higher power...fucking fatso's.

Lance Berkman will get Screwed out of the NL MVP

This one is inevitable. His numbers will be outstanding, but somehow, someway, he will come in third place in the voting. Not even second. And no one will be able to explain it. Most likely, Chase Utley will win it, and writers will hold a circle jerk over the fact that 3 Phillies won it 3 years in a row. I think sportswriters hold it against poor Lance because he's a little on the tubby side, and they are self-loathing wastes of life. And even though this is pure speculation, I have a feeling inner-hatred comes into play in the Big Puma MVP shunning.


Creepy Comparison - The Natural


Here's a quick Creepy Comparison, because all I could think about during the Home Run Derby, was A) We get it - Josh Hamilton's just like Roy Hobbs, so shut the fuck up - and B) Josh Hamilton is bound to grab the microphone and say, "Here's what I want to do with you: I want to wrap you in Saran Wrap, and cut two holes - one for your mouth, so you can breath, and one for your..."

*check out this linkfor some nostalgia.

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