Thursday, July 3, 2008
Tomorrow is Independence Day. It's time to celebrate our country's independence from the uppity and yet, sometimes charming British, by drinking too much, eating too much, and getting so much sun that we return to work next week looking like a freshly beaten step-child.
I don't know about you, but I'm ready to drink 76 beers, sit on my ass for hours on end, and eat smoking-hot hot dogs that singe and burn off the roof of my mouth, turning it into several layers of dead skin that I will incessantly roll off with my tongue. I love the 4th of July, unless it's on a Wednesday like last year, and I'm forced to sip two warm beers over a three hour period because not only do I have to work the next day, there are also 45 state troopers with large boners getting ready to beat up and book anyone who even has mouth-wash on their breath. I also have to watch the smart people who took Thursday and Friday off get drunk and giggle and just relax their way into a sweet, sweet beer coma, lolling off to the sound of bursting mortars set off by toothless hicks in the distance...But not this year. A big Fucking-A to leap year! Leap year is fucking tits.
Anyway - Yankees at Red Sox - who you got? The team who was 114% more terrifying last year, and is now reeling because of injuries, or the team with a who-gives-a-fuck-attitude and no pitching and a bullpen compiled of ineffective dickheads?
Are you as excited for this as me?
Oh yeah, the Red Sox were just swept by the Ray...
Oh yeah, the Yankees dropped 2 of 3 to the Rangers...
Pass me another Sabrett, and make sure you load that shit with sauerkraut and mustard, and not that shitty yellow mustard, that's for classless motherfuckers, put that brown stuff on mine, that reeks of class AND excellence...