Just who the fuck do you think you are, huh?
You're not a clutch hitter, you're Fernando Tatis. Your claim to fame is two grand slams in one inning, and that's it! No more heroics, no more moonshots, no more nothing! You were supposed to be floating around AAA right now, telling war stories to bonus babies who could care less, not platooning in the Mets outfield - so what the fuck? I laughed and laughed when the Mets got rid of Ruben Gotay to keep you on the roster. I laughed so hard, I shit myself. Seriously. So where do you get the balls returning to baseball and not failing at a comeback?
Remember those two years you spent selling fruit to tourists on the Lower East Side? That is your calling. Not baseball - fruit! Go sell honeydew, cantaloupes, even delicious blackberries. Make the tourists happy, 'Nando, please...
So we're in agreement then? No more home runs. Stop helping the Mets win games. The rotation stinks worse then a laborer hitting the sauna wearing his jeans, and your bullpen is Josh Hartnett-acting awful, so stop putting a spark into the lineup. I'm sick of it already.
Remember, fruit, Fernando, FRUIT!