Monday, August 11, 2008

Next Stop: Mustache City!

When it comes to the benevolent marriage of mustaches to Major League Baseball, all the ballyhoo and glory goes to this man, and this man alone. Why is he the face of this loving partnership? I can't give you a concrete answer - maybe the curls in Rollie's 'stache have some sort of majestic power over all the beat writers across this great land, or maybe they remind those rotund fatso's of a charred porterhouse covered in freshly shed dog hair. But what I do know is we, as a fan-base, are seriously selling mustache-dom short by not recognizing some of the other masterpieces that have gone out there and creeped out the whole fucking baseball diamond, one bristly hair at a time.

So, here's a look at some of the mustaches that either transcended a generation, went unnoticed, or are just works of meticulously groomed facial hair art that I'm particularly fond of.

The Bar Brawler - Thurman Munson

Look at the thickness of that thing. As you can see, Munson took pride in growing a 'stache that yelled, "Not only can I out-drink you, your brother, and that fucking nerd Petey you hang out with at the same time, but I can also swell your eye with one jab and satisfy your wife in ways that would make your face explode." That's one mustache I would never want to mess with.

The Ethnic Delight - Dave Winfield

Nothing says smooth like Winfield's perfectly trimmed Shaft-esque mustache. And if there's a mustache grading system out there for symmetry, fullness, and shape, Winfield's taking home straight A's. Plus, one can also see that Winfield's mustache is looking to beat some honkey ass, which make is smooth and dangerous.

White Trash Aficionado - Rod Beck

Who gets into drunken spats with their spouse every time NASCAR is on? Who gets cut off on a Sunday afternoon at the bar in Applebee's? Who doesn't wear a shirt for 90% of their respective lives? Who wears jean shorts to a family graduation party? People with Rod Beck's mustache style, that's who!

Stuck in the 80's - Dennis Eckersley

The 80's were a weird time. For some reason, people were obsessed with shitty music, neon colors, and big, stupid hairdos. I'm guessing it was because the trend was set by young people in the 80's, and these were the children of the 60's hippies, and hippies took a shitload of drugs. 1+2=3, simple as that. And Eckersley obviously followed suit.

The Playboy - Keith Hernandez

Back when the Mets were the Kings of New York (for a whole year!), Hernandez was Sex Symbol #1. Was it because he played 1B for the World Series Champs? I think not. It was the mustache, his glorious tribute to one of histories most famous Casanova's - Josef Stalin.

*note: Stalin was not a Casanova. He was an asshole.

Take Me Home, Country Roads Style- Goose Gossage

Only a guy with a handlebar mustache like Goose can get a hot piece-of-ass like the one pictured here. Look at her, I bet she plays softball and loves to take "friendly" showers with all of her platonic gal pals. Well, so does Goose. And his grizzly mustache.

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