Thursday, August 14, 2008

Welcome to the Meat Market


For the record, typing in the title of this post felt gay. Not even "singing in the car" gay, but "sitting through the whole movie Crazy Beautiful" gay.

Anyway, now that that's out of the way, let me get to the point.

It's almost The Point of No Return for the 2008 Yankees. Darrell Rasner is still a starter? C'mon, maybe in the pen during Spring Training. Maybe a spot-start if the Yankees are leading the division by 12 games. But now? It's just plain embarrassing.

So, what do I think it's time for?

RETOOL.

Fuck it - you can't make the playoffs every year, and this year's Yankees have become that guy in college who's been out like 34 nights in a row, only he has no clean clothes left and he fucking reeks like a wet ashtray and stale Popov vodka, but he keeps making out, night after night, even though at this point, most of his friends would like to see him take one off just so his blood can thicken and he stops calling you "Fuckface" in front of 9 year-old kids leaving the movie theater with their parents.

If that metaphor makes any sense to you, well, then you remember that guy - or you were that guy - and you understand where the Yankees are right now.

So, my advice is: Don't give up, but don't do anything stupid. Don't rush Joba back. If his arm isn't ready, let it marinate. Let it get 100% healthy. Don't push Wang back. Don't force Matsui back. Follow my blueprint, and I guarantee a better team next year.

Step 1: Refuse Sentimental Signings

Giambi - $21MM
Mussina - $11MM
Abreu - $16MM
Pavano - $11MM

Bye. All of you. We had some good times - except you Carl, you fucking pile of shit - but it's time to go our separate ways.

Step 2: Throw the Bank at Teixeira and Sabathia

Don't hesitate to pull the trigger. Tex is a switch hitter and he's only going to be 29 at the start of next season. Give him a fucking pony, a firetruck a studio apartment above a coke den, whatever he wants. He's a career .305 hitter in The Bronx. Sabathia will only be 28 at the end of Spring Training. He's 9 feet tall and he weighs 700 lbs. He will stay healthy. SIGN BOTH OF THEM.

Step 3: Resign Xavier Nady

Like I said before - Bobby Abreu can fuck off. Let him go jog out grounders and get scared of padded walls somewhere else - hopefully in Boston.

Step 4: Coddle Phil Hughes

If he looks hurt - HE IS. Don't take his word for it. He's a liar. Make sure if he has a broken rib, he's not pitching every 5 days and getting shellacked while stupid announcers ponder why he suddenly lost 10 MPH on his fastball. He needs to be a decent 5 starter. He's only 22 years old. Don't fuck him up. He's got a curveball that make elderly men weep.


It's simple. It's right there. Sometimes you just need to cash out and wait until next year. It's almost that time. And I'll tell you this - There's no way the Yankees are taking it all home with that fat-fuck Sidney Ponson on staff. I promise.

2 comments:

The Primanti's Kid said...

Excellent usage of that analogy... And if people don't understand it, they don't drink enough.

Doc Holliday said...

I agree, and I remember reusing undershirts and boxers just so I could hit up 2 for 1 bottles at Rec Room and keep the streak alive.

Whooooo, College!!