Tuesday, September 30, 2008

And The Award Goes Too...The AL Version


It's been a year to remember. Here at WMHG, we laughed, we cried, we fired (were abandoned by) idle bloggers, and we even got a little feisty with each other on occasion (me attacking AK for no good reason other than he has more stats in his head than that fat fuck on ESPN who used to wear all those shitty jerseys even though he was a middle-aged nerd with what I believe to be is a serious odor problem). But now, with the 2008 regular season in the bag, it's time to recognize those who have come through and shined, those who have outdone the competition, and those who have taken one more step toward a long term career at Hertz Rent-a-Car.

So, without further ado, I am proud (and tired of bolding and editing) to present you with the 2008 WHMG American League Award Winners!

*To see the WMHG July Predictions, click here


AL MVP - Dustin Pedroia, Boston Red Sox

As much as it makes me want to hang myself in a lonely alleyway, I have to give this little shit credit for what he did. He carried the Sox through rough waters. While Youkilis was on his period, Pedroia continued to hit. While Papi was on the DL trying to digest a calf, Pedroia continued to hit. And even though this fucking bitch talked shit about the Yankees, he deserves it more than...

(Punches hole through cubicle wall)

FUCK THAT. I just can't do it...

AL MVP - Dustin Pedroia Josh Hamilton, Texas Rangers

Honorable Mention: Justin Morneau, Grady Sizemore, Carlos Quentin, Cliff Lee, Roy Halladay


AL CY Young - Cliff Lee, Cleveland Indians

The hardware has to go to Lee. I can't remember another player dominating on the mound like he did while backed by a defense composed mainly of strategically placed 32 gallon garbage cans. Lee had a superb winning percentage of .880, a 170/33 K to BB ratio and a really good time vacationing in Key West last January. The Indians went 24-7 when Lee took the hill and 0-131 when he didn't. That should tell you something.

Honorable Mention: Roy Halladay, Mike Mussina, Daisuke Matsuzaka


AL Closer of the Year - Mariano Rivera, New York Yankees

No, it's not Francisco Rodriguez. Why, you ask? Well, let's see...Frankie has 7 blown saves, Mo has 1. Frankie has an ERA of 2.24, Mo's ERA is almost a full run less at 1.40. K-Rod has 17 ERs in 68.3 innings pitched, Mo has 11 in 70.7 innings pitched. Is it a stretch to award Mo? Yes, but I despise K-Rod so much that I would rather see anyone win this ahead of him, including Jonathan Papelbon, and I hate Papelbon more than Hitler.

Honorable Mention:
Rodriguez, Joakim Soria, Papelbon, Joe Nathan


Comeback Player of the Year -
John Lester, Boston Red Sox

Let's just say, coming back from cancer is a lot more valiant than weening yourself off smack, booze and dirty Florida hookers. I'm not trying to start some shit - I'm just making a point here.

Honorable Mention: Josh Hamilton, Cliff Lee, Ervin Santana, Mike Mussina, Francisco Liriano




Who the Fuck is This Guy Player of the Year -
Carlos Quentin, Chicago White Sox

The waiver-wire prize of the year, Quentin went undrafted in almost every fantasy league, and proceeded to carry the lucky fuck who grabbed him into contention. He also played pretty well across the board, until he had a late night meeting with Kevin Brown about how to quell anger issues and decided to punch his bat in retaliation for a bad at-bat, thus throwing away an MVP season and a chance to play in the playoffs. But who cares? Quentin showed that bat who the fucking man is!

Honorable Mention: The Minnesota Twins Starting Rotation, Jesse Litsch, Alexei Ramirez

I'm Not Mad, Just Disappointed Player of the Year -
Dontrelle Willis, Detroit Tigers

Was it really only three years ago that Willis won 22 games as the rock of the Marlins rotation? It seems like a decade ago. But, in a swift, flat-brimmed fall from grace, Willis has gone from dominate Ace to worthless throw-away. He only started 7 games, made 1 relief appearance, and ended up with a putrid 9.38 ERA - 25 Earned Runs in 24 innings. Just for reference, Joba Chamberlain let up 29 in 100 innings. Go Tigers!

Honorable Mention: Robinson Cano, Justin Verlander, Eric Bedard, BJ Upton


Rookie of the Year - Evan Longoria, Tampa Bay Rays

Rarely does a big-time prospect make such a splash in his first year in the big leagues. But Longoria, despite an April send-down and a month long injury, made sure that he will join the legion of legendary Tampa Bay third basemen's - guys like Bobby Smith, (The Player formerly known as) Wade Boggs, Vinny Castilla, Damian Rolls, Aubrey Huff and Jared Sandberg.


Honorable Mention:
Joba Chamberlain, Alexei Ramirez, Chris Davis, Brad Ziegler



Stuck in Hell Player of the Year - Zach Greinke, Kansas City Royals

Imagine if you will, that you are a young, hot-shot producer with all the potential in the world to be a successful contributor to some big-time studio. Now imagine you are forced to work for a studio that is just plain awful, which year in and year out, puts piles of shit onto theater screens. The studio you work for signs off on movies like Soul Plane, and Dumb and Dumberer, and Bewitched. To your dismay, you try and hand them scripts like Memento, Reservoir Dogs, and Leon: the Professional, but they tell you that there's no stock for Indies. Then you have a nervous breakdown. Then you come back and continue to submit amazing scripts, but the production house just laughs and laughs, and invites you to the premier of You Don't Mess with the Zohan. This is Zach Greinke's life in a nutshell.

Honorable Mention: Aubrey Huff, Raul Ibanez


Career Year of the Year - A.J. Burnett, Toronto Blue Jays

Want to hear something funny? When was the last time A.J. Burnett pitched 200+ innings in a season? 2005, his contract year. And when did he do it again? 2008, the year he can opt-out of his current deal. Deceit! You will never, ever convince that Burnett will pitch 200+ innings again in his career. No fucking way. And I pray to God that Brian Cashman has the ability to do the same painstaking research that I just did.

Honorable Mention: No one, I made this category because I hate Burnett

Monday, September 29, 2008

Brett Favre Saved My Life

This is not going to be one of my long stat-bloated posts. Since I'm lucky enough to have the massive forum that is WMHG, on this day of days I feel I need to use you, the loyal readers, to help me through this difficult time in my life. Put yourself in my shoes for a moment if you will:

AK-47
Born: December 4, 1982 in Manhassett, NY
Height: 5'10" Weight: 175lbs
Bats: Right Throws: Right
High School: Hauppauge High School (Hauppauge, NY)
College: Bucknell University
Fan of: NY Knicks, NY Mets, NY Jets, Bucknell Bison

As you can see from my stats, my sports world is in disarray. Consider where my head was at the exact moment before yesterday's Mets game...

-I've lived with the last 3 or 4 years of disastrous Knicks seasons. We finally got rid of Isiah but Marbury won't go away. This upcoming year is over before it started, in my mind. The whole season is worthless. My entire childhood they were one of the best teams in the NBA, and recently, they've become just flat-out hard to watch on TV. Verdict: HOPELESS

-The Jets were off to a 1-2 start. Not the end of the world, but we're not exactly flying out of the box. We have an 'easy' schedule for the next couple of weeks, but if we dropped the game yesterday 1-3 going into the bye week would have been a mini crisis. I was VERY worried about this game, but it was on at the same time as the Mets game so I had to DVR it. By the way, big thanks goes out to Mets play-by-play man Gary Cohen. Thanks for letting me know the Jets were up 31-0 at half time (actually 34-0) thus, leaving no reason for me to even watch what must have been the most entertaining game of the week. Verdict: TEETERING ON HOPELESS

-I went to the Mets game on Saturday. Johan Santana walked into Jerry Manuel's office after the Friday pathetic loss and said, "Ohh, by the way Jerry, I know I'm supposed to pitch Sunday but I changed my mind. I'm going to pitch a complete game shutout tomorrow instead." I was at that game. Needless to say, emotions were running high thinking we'd at least see a one game playoff tonight. Lose said playoff game, and we could have lived with it. After Beltran hit that 2-run game tying bomb and Milwaukee was still down 1-0 we were supposed to pull it out...It shouldn't have ended the way it did. Verdict: HOPELESS

See where I'm going with this...?

So, I submit to you that if the Jets did not win yesterday's game, I probably would have killed myself. 99% sure. Don't know how, because it would have been a kind of spur of the moment thing. Pills, hit by NYC bus, plenty of bridges in walking distance from my apt...but I would have got the job done, nonetheless.

But then, in my darkest hour, Brett Favre threw 6 TD passes, and saved my life.

Thanks, big guy.

There's Always Next Year


I'm not a Mets fan, not in any way, shape or form. I actually dislike the Mets. For what reason? Well, I don't have time to get into that now, because I'm not here to bash you guys and the team you love so much. No, I'm here to offer my condolences. Yes, I have a heart. A shriveled, black little bastard, but it's there, pumping ice water through my veins, feeling for the Orange, Blue and sometimes Black from Queens.

Let me be the first to say I feel your pain (shame). I can't believe the Brewers are in and the Mets are out. That sucks on many different levels. And I'm sure the feeling must be one of shock and awe. Like when you see someone eating a plain hotdog. You think to yourself, "How the fuck does someone eat a plain hotdog? No mustard, no relish, not even a little ketchup? What a fucking waste."

That's what I assume you are all going through. Two years of blood thinning disappointment. Two years of - collapses? No, this year was not a collapse, it was more of a limp to the finish line. And just before the team got there, C.C. Sabathia came up from behind and garroted you with his size XXXXL coat hanger. It sucks. It really, really sucks. And here are a few more reasons why it sucks so hard:

- The Brewers will not compete in the Divisional round of the playoffs. NO FUCKING WAY. Without Sabathia, their pitching staff sucks cock. Ben Sheets is dead, Doug Davis should be working at a lumber yard, and Yovani Gallardo was rushed back from a season-ending injury with duct tape wrapped around his body for support. And, as all baseball fans know, what is one thing you need to win in October? A bullpen. Is there a gaping wound filled with broken dreams and Saloman Torres tears and Eric Gagne's discarded rec-specs where the Brewers bullpen should be? Yes.

- Billy Wagner is laughing at you right now. I suggest you find him and burn his house down. Does this (false) information have anything to do with my undying hatred for this piece-of-shit? Of course not (yes).

- What could be more legendary than a NLCS between The Phillies and the Mets? Old man Moyer on the mound, Pedro's Jeri-curl juice spraying as he guts out just one more, awful hate-driven fans in the stands, Ryan Howard's gigantic nostrils flaring from game to game, Carlos Delgado spitting on the American flag - it would be epic. But no. It's not going to happen. I'm legitimately upset that there wont be a shanking committed in the stands of Shea/Citizen Bank Park just one more time.

- In Ryan Church's hazy, out-of-focus mind, he hit that homerun, and the Mets won. He will be waiting at JFK today for the plane to the one game playoff against the Brewers. Sadly, it will never arrive.

But the Mets will move on. And I'm sure you will too. Look at the bright side, at least the rest of America will not be subjected to that disgusting, stomach turning mole on the side of Carlos Beltran's ear. I almost fucking puked when I saw that - don't know how I missed it before.

So, I bid a fond farewell to the 2008 Mets. You guys gave it your all...well, no you didn't, but at least you can look forward to the off-season ritualistic decapitation of Aaron Heilman at the opening ceremonies of Citi Field.

That's always a plus.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Creepy Comparison #37: Ugly Sonsofbitches


I always give Pudge a hard time in my posts, mainly because of his creepy face and head. I don't know what it is, but he really, really creeps me out.

It doesn't help his case that he does shit like this and this, but hey, who am I to judge? I've never eaten cereal with milk in it before!

(hits drum, then cymbal)

But those awfully gay looking photos are not the point of this post. The real point is that there is someone out there who creeps me out even more than little face Rodriguez. Someone who haunts my dreams, my nightmares and the spacing I do during work meetings where I giggle and uncomfortably stare through someones forehead like a heroin addict. This man reaches all of these areas of conscious. This man is William DaFoe. How he was cast to play Jesus Christ, I'll never know. And I'm sure that when Jesus finally gets around to speaking with the casting director from The Last Temptation of Christ, he'll have a few idle threats to throw around and maybe even a few slaps. I know if I was blood with the Almighty, I sure as hell would.

And all I have to say about the other guy is, look, I don't know shit about hockey, I don't want to, and I'll never claim to, because I don't like the sport. It does not entertain me. Two homeless men making shoes out of shopping bags is more interesting to me. So, if I offend anyone by comparing the immortal Mark Messier to William DaFoe - Fuck you. The guy is an ugly motherfucker, deal with it.

(punched in the face by goon with high-pitched Canadian accent and bad haircut)


Digg!

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

The Importance Of Being Wright


'Valuable'
- Definition: adjective - (1) a. having material value; being worth money b. having great value in terms of money (2) of great merit, use, or service; highly important, esteemed, etc.

'Player' - Definition: noun - (1) One who 'gets jiggy wit it' in a club/dance club/night club setting
(totally j/k j/k!!!!!!, that's Playa!)
(too much?, if it was, I apologize)
(2) (Baseball) Player - One who plays the game of baseball, encompassing more than just one aspect of the game, i.e. hitting, fielding, running, pitching, etc.
*Note - this definition is completely synthetic

Doc got this ball rolling a few days ago, but the issue of the upcoming National League MVP Award continues to grind my gears. I felt that by examining the words that make up the title of the award above, it might help shed some light on just who exactly should be considered as the winner for said award.

No matter how you slice it, if the award is called the "Most Valuable Player" award not the "Guy That Drove In The Most Runs/Hit A Ton Of Bombs" award, Ryan Howard should not be among the front runners. The N.L. is chock full of more deserving and more qualified candidates than him. It's painfully obvious to see.
*Note - I didn't bother to define 'Most'. If any Philly fans are reading this post, again, I apologize

A player's value to his team should be thought of in one simple way: What would happen to the team if the player in question was no longer on it, or replaced with an average player? Think about it. Not just about baseball, but in anything. How do you really know how much you really need something? Only when it's not there anymore, that's how. Doesn't that just make sense?

Well, the good people at Baseball Prospectus thought so, and developed VORP (value over replacement-level player) and ranked every player in baseball. If you have a high VORP, that means your VALUE over that of a league-average scrub is high. So you, the loyal WMHG reader, have a frame of reference, the #1 VORP value in the NL is 88.1. And it belongs to Mr. Albert Pujols.

Oh, and also, BASEBALL PLAYERS DON'T JUST HIT. You know those big floppy brown things on their hands when they stand in that grass/dirt area called the field? Yeah, those are called gloves. They use them to catch the ball. Their hands would sting if they didn't wear them. Some guys are better at that than others, too. Shouldn't that count at all when assessing the value of a player?

Below is the list of players (in no particular order) that will be considered for the MVP award (according to me). Below their name is the number of significant statistical categories that they currently place in the Top 10 in the NL in. Pretty black and white. Let's take a look:

League Leaders - 2008

Player Name - My Fielding Assessment - N.L. VORP Rank/Value

David Wright - Gold Glove - #6/63.2
• Ranks 9th in NL in HR (33)
• Ranks 2nd in NL in RBI (122)
• Ranks 2nd in NL in R (113)
• Ranks 5th in NL in BB (90)
• Ranks 7th in NL in OBP (.387)
• Ranks 8th in NL in SLG (.538)
• Ranks 7th in NL in OPS (.925)

Ryan Howard - Butcher - #30/32.8

• Ranks 1st in NL in HR (46)
• Ranks 1st in NL in RBI (141)
• Ranks 10th in NL in R (101)
• Ranks 9th in NL in SLG (.534)

Chase Utley - Average - #7/60.5
• Ranks 10th in NL in RBI (100)
• Ranks 7th in NL in R (108)
• Ranks 8th in NL in OPS (.911)

Carlos Delgado - Average - #24/39.2
• Ranks 3rd in NL in HR (37)
• Ranks 4th in NL in RBI (110)

Ryan Braun - Above Average - #19/42.1
• Ranks 4th in NL in HR (35)
• Ranks 10th in NL in RBI (100)
• Ranks 5th in NL in SLG (.553)

Prince Fielder - Below Average - #23/39.3
• Ranks 7th in NL in HR (34)
• Ranks 10th in NL in RBI (100)

Alfonso Soriano -Ehh - #31/32.4
• Ranks 6th in NL in SLG (.540)

Aramis Ramirez - Gold Glove - #20/41.6
• Ranks 5th in NL in RBI (109)
• Ranks 9th in NL in OPS (.891)

Jose Reyes - Above Average - #5/64.2
• Ranks 6th in NL in R (109)
• Ranks 2nd in NL in SB (52)

Carlos Beltran - Gold Golve - #9/52.1
• Ranks 5th in NL in RBI (109)
• Ranks 2nd in NL in R (113)
• Ranks 9th in NL in BB (87)

Manny Ramirez - Ha! - #13/45.0
Did not include because I don't know what it means to these awards when a guy gets traded in the middle of a season.
-------------------------------------------------------
*Ryan Ludwick - Above Average - #11/48.5
• Ranks 4th in NL in HR (35)
• Ranks 8th in NL in RBI (106)
• Ranks 10th in NL in R (101)
• Ranks 2nd in NL in SLG (.580)
• Ranks 4th in NL in OPS (.949)

*Albert Pujols - Gold Glove - #1/88.1
•Ranks 2nd in NL in BA (.350)
• Ranks 7th in NL in HR (34)
• Ranks 7th in NL in RBI (108)
• Ranks 2nd in NL in BB (100)
• Ranks 2nd in NL in OBP (.455)
• Ranks 1st in NL in SLG (.631)
• Ranks 1st in NL in OPS (1.086)

*Lance Berkman - Gold Glove Caliber - #4/71.7
• Ranks 4th in NL in BA (.314)
• Ranks 9th in NL in RBI (102)
• Ranks 4th in NL in R (112)
• Ranks 4th in NL in BB (97)
• Ranks 3rd in NL in OBP (.423)
• Ranks 3rd in NL in SLG (.571)
• Ranks 3rd in NL in OPS (.993)

*Hanley Ramirez - Yikes! - #2/76.0
• Ranks 1st in NL in R (120)
• Ranks 5th in NL in BB (90)
• Ranks 6th in NL in SB (33)
• Ranks 6th in NL in OBP (.395)
• Ranks 10th in NL in SLG (.533)
• Ranks 6th in NL in OPS (.928)

*Chipper Jones - Average - #3/72.9
• Ranks 1st in NL in BA (.364)
• Ranks 8th in NL in BB (88)
• Ranks 1st in NL in OBP (.468)
• Ranks 4th in NL in SLG (.568)
• Ranks 2nd in NL in OPS (1.035)

* Note - player will most likely not be considered seriously for award because team is not in playoff contention. What this has to do with a player's 'value', I'll never know. This is a joke. Pujols is the OBVIOUS choice, again. Just like he was the last time Howard stole it from him cause the Phillies made the playoffs and the Cardinals didnt.

So tell me this - after examining all of the above - how does hitting a bunch of dingers and driving in a few more runs then other clearly superior all-around players in the last few weeks of the season (after you've been hitting .230 the whole damn year) make you the most VALUABLE player in the entire league?

Am I a homer? Absolutely. But is my love for the Mets outweighed by my hatred for Philadelphia/Philly Fans/Ryan Howard/Strikeouts? YES. Do I think Wright deserves it? Sure, if we're basing consideration for the award on whether or not your team is in the thick of the playoff race. Based on the above stats, it looks to me like amongst players on 'good' teams, he BLOWS everyone else out of the water. Plus, look at that lovely young lady on his arm. What a knockout!

My heart and my soul, and most importantly my head, however, are sure about one thing: The Rhino better not walk away with the hardware. If that happens I might just have to move to Canada.

Digg!

Going Out with a Bang


Let me be clear for a second: In no way do I advocate the shit coming out of Hank Steinbrenner's mouth each and every time he decides to open it. No way. I think he's a fat asshole with zero intelligence and even less class. I don't think he could run a Dairy Queen in rural Ohio, let alone one of the biggest sports franchises in the world. I think he needs to take a lesson in losing and a lesson in eating without using his hands and a lesson on shutting-the-fuck-up when deemed necessary.

Here are some recent quotes made by Steinbrenner, no doubt pertaining to the Yankees being on the verge of being ousted from the playoffs for the first time since 1993.

(vomits into coat pocket)

"The biggest problem is the divisional setup in major league baseball. I didn't like it in the 1970s, and I hate it now," Steinbrenner wrote in the Sporting News. "Baseball went to a multidivision setup to create more races, rivalries and excitement. But it isn't fair. You see it this season, with plenty of people in the media pointing out that Joe Torre and the Dodgers are going to the playoffs while we're not. This is by no means a knock on Torre - let me make that clear-but look at the division they're in. If L.A. were in the AL East, it wouldn't be in the playoff discussion. The AL East is never weak."

(vomits into garbage can)

Wow, talk about sportsmanship. He might as well of called Torre a flaming gay dominatrix who liked to take water taxi rides around the Chelsea Piers. Throwing a guy under the bus when he works for you is one thing, but when he's already gone? Nonsense. I discussed this in a post last week, so no need for me to get my shit in a bunch.

That being said, let's go spend some fucking money, Hank! We gotta shot to win this thing next year!

(blinded by C.C. Sabathia's soon-to-be diamond-crusted eyeballs)


Digg!

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Monday Night Man Love


I'm anti-ESPN, have been for close to two years now. While I do enjoy some stuff on their website and an occasional television program, I'd much rather see a meteor the size of Oklahoma fall out of the sky and land right on the town of Bristol, with the epicenter of the giant rock hitting Stuart Scott's office.

Anyway...

Last night was fucking disgusting. ESPN and its team sunk to new lows. I had to turn off the sound during the Jets - Chargers game in fear that man moaning would soon makes its way through my TV speakers. It got gay...really, really gay. Like Dane Cook gay.

It was bad enough that I was watching the Jets get absolutely destroyed by the Chargers, but I also had to watch the retards in the production booth continually cut to fucking West Coast imbeciles wearing Favre Packer jerseys.

A - What the fuck?
B - What the fuck?
C - If I was the one of the several-thousand gang members in attendance, I would have jigged those fat fucking Mid-Western transplants right in their pork-loin stuffed guts.

We get it, ESPN producers, you all want to fuck Brett Favre. Stop rubbing it in my face. The Jets make the Monday Night Football schedule once a year - and trust me, I don't consider this an honor, I consider it a nuisance - so instead of making life easier and announcing the game like it was just another meeting of two above-average teams, you treat it like Jesus Christ is in town, and the three morons in the booth just did an 8-balls of crack-coated speed. It was honestly almost 4 hours of over-the-hill unfunny douches recounting Favre memories, while the game unfolded without much acknowledgment.


Mike Tirico: And then there was the time that Brett threw a touchdown to Donald Driver...

(Brett Favre throws ball into crowd of seventeen Chargers defenders, including players cut during mini-camp - ball intercepted)

Tony Kornheiser: (Unfunny ruse, cranky old man joke) That was great! And then there was the time Brett Favre threw a touchdown to Javon Walker...

(Favre picked off by Lorenzo Neal, who was a fullback and is no longer with the team - LaDanian Tomlinson scores touchdown #14 of the night)

Ron Jaworski: (Fat Egotistical Guy Chuckle) Oh yeah, Tony, and then there was the time Brett Favre threw a touchdown to Robert Brooks...

(Favre throws ball 80 yards into hands belonging to patiently waiting Antonio Cromartie - Philip Rivers throws 109 yard touchdown pass to Antonio Gates, who's being covered by a parking cone)


And this continued. Favre could have gone out to midfield, done the goosestep for twenty yards, then burned a cross, and the announcers would have still been yucking it up in the booth about how fucking great he is. And to top it off, he played AWFUL. It was embarrassing. He was the Favre I warned every ignorant Jet fan about who decided last year was Favre's resurgence, and forgot he sucked diseased cock the year before.

Let's be honest, last night, Favre was throwing the ball around like a blind guy trying to fuck a fat hooker. It was ugly, it was sloppy, and in the end, everyone involved looked a little worn out and embarrassed. And to boot, I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to cave Eric Mangini's super-sized head in with a crowbar. He sucks. He sucks at coaching and he sucks at not clogging his arteries.

I'm done.

(Takes out Joe Klecko jersey, softly weeps into it)

Leading Off: One More Time!

Well, I'm back from my long hiatus in (generic 3rd world country w/o Internet access) that only allowed me to make other posts and not 'Leading Off:'. Man what a wild ride, I'll have to tell y'all about it sometime. AAAAAAAnnnyyyywwwaayyyyyyy....

With 1 week left in the baseball season, I thought it fitting to throw one last Leading Off: up to put a nice little capper on what you loyal WMHG? readers have been diligently following all season long. And here we go!


  • First off, I hate just copying and pasting lines from other articles and making that essentially my entire post (love it) but I just couldn't help myself from throwing this up here. Some recent lines from a Jayson Stark article from a day or two ago:
"In fact, according to Bill James Online, here's how those standings would look if games were six innings:

Teams W-L GB
Mets 84-52 --
Phillies 71-62 11½

Yep, you read that right. If games were six innings, the Mets would be leading this division by 11½ games.

OK, suppose all games were eight innings. Here's how those standings would shake out:

Teams W-L GB
Mets 83-59 --
Phillies 75-64 6½
Mind-boggling, isn't it? How gigantic are those last three outs? Gigantic enough to cause an eight-game swing in the standings. Gigantic enough, in other words, to change everything about this race.

Thanks to the best closer in baseball this year, Brad Lidge (sorry about that, K-Rod), the Phillies are 75-0 when they lead after eight innings. Their bullpen has blown just 15 saves (in 61 opportunities), fewest in the NL."

Chew on that. The Phillies are the definition of perfection, and are just barely scraping by ahead of us in the standings. The Mets have so much going for them, yet the lynchpin at the end of the line just keeps blowing it. This whole thing makes me sick.

  • Jones Zone: Currently batting .362 through 122 games. IT'S (been) OVER. It will be yet another season where Larry fails to play 130 games. Just for kicks, here is his "Injury Report" for this past season, courtesy of foxsports.com:
2008 INJURIES
9/13/2008, (Stiff back), Day to day.
9/2/2008, (Right knee strain), Day to day.
8/13/2008, (Stomach virus), Day to day.
7/24/2008, (Left hamstring strain), off 15-day DL
6/20/2008, (Left game - Strained right quadriceps), Day to day.
6/13/2008, (Left eye contusion), Day to day.
6/8/2008, (Slight tear, right quad), Day to day.
5/25/2008, (Back spasms), Day to day.
5/15/2008, (Right groin), Day to day.
4/27/2008, (Back spasms), Day to day.
4/20/2008, (Left game-strained right quadriceps), Day to day.


  • Howard Watch: 194 K's through 155 games. On pace for 201 K's. Last year's total (record): 199. Number of games this season in which he has NOT struck out: 33. It's going to be a photo finish!!! Let's all pull together and root, root, root for the chargin' Rhino of those fightin' Phills'!

Monday, September 22, 2008

Assume the Position


I assume I know what it feels like. I assume, because I am pompous and arrogant and most of the time a dick. But I am a Jets fan, and I think being a Jets fan and a Mets fan right now is relevant, because I'm sure the excruciating pain of loving a bunch of fucking losers is pretty similar. So, like I said, I assume I know.

The Mets blew another one. And another one. Every time I turn on Sportscenter, I assume I clicked the DVR button, because when the picture appears it's one of the Bristol Nazi's broadcasters ranting and raving and making jokes that only deaf people find funny about another Mets bullpen collapse. But my assumption is wrong. I did not click the DVR button. It is just another collapse by a wilting team.

So what now? Does this team have the makeup to trudge on and make the postseason? Can they hold off the all-of-a-sudden resurgent Brewers? It's possible, because as I've declared in past-posts, The Brewers have a weaker bullpen then the IT department's softball team. And they're susceptible to collapse too, just like the Mets. Especially once the wheels fall of the Sabathia train, and I can hear them squeaking already.

But my biggest problem is - and always is - that the Mets bullpen does not have the necessary tools for a postseason run. Pedro Feliciano? Two years ago? Yes. Now? No, thanks. If he wasn't a lefty, (and I genuinely gave a shit about the Mets - which I do not) I'd call for him to be strung up on Queens Boulevard by his underachieving balls, because the Good Lord knows how I fancy a well-behaved lefty reliever. So, how about Scott Schoeneweis? If we were on our way to a Bar Mitzvah, and Scott was giving me a lesson on Jewish heritage and culture, he'd have my backing, but coming in to get a hold in the 7th/8th? Fuck no. Same goes for Aaron Heilman, who I wouldn't trust to watch my bar stool, let alone come through in a big game. Same goes Joe Smith, who suddenly turned into the righty version of "Giving up a Grand Slam is" Mike Myers. And I used to like Joe Smith. I did. Who doesn't respect a sub-mariner?

To reiterate, I feel your pain. And I assume you know this.

A week ago, a colleague (someone who has a better salary than me and a real office) of mine was ranting and raving about the possibility of John Maine returning and filling in as the closer, because he wants Maine to start. I almost smashed him across the head with his monitor. How could you not want a guy - who may not hold up as a starter - to come in and seal the deal for your team, if only for the season? A good closer shortens the game, and Maine would be that shortener, because he has the makeup and stuff of a closer. I say embrace this. I say hope for Maine to rehab and return and move to the pen. Putting him out there in the 9th changes the overall rating of the bullpen from putrid to bad, so you have that to look forward to.

Otherwise, I'll make room for you on the "My Team Missed the Playoffs" couch, because that's where I'll be, stuffing my face with Cool Ranch Doritos, assuming the Yankees will make a run next year, assuming they sign a handful of blue-chippers, assuming they don't make a managerial change, assuming...

Friday, September 19, 2008

The Red Herring: Part II


I'll be the first guy on the boat if an ex-Yankee decides to start bashing the shit out of Bobby Abreu. Fuck it, I'll captain the boat. I'll even wear a stupid fake captain's hat and walk around like a douche for a full afternoon if it's guaranteed that someone comes out and calls Abreu a lazy, worthless piece of do shit.

But Schilling must be stopped.

Am I biased because I hate the man? Yes. Does it bother me that he seeks the limelight even though he's being paid to sit around, feed his dog(s) table scraps and watch boxed sets of great TV shows that he probably gets sent to his house for free? Yup. But I don't understand why Schilling decided now was the time to bash Manny Ramirez.

Boston's been on a roll, no thanks to fat Curt and his gaudy ego and self-righteousness. No, Boston's pretty much been winning because of good pitching and good hitting, and because Manny is no longer with the team. And it was a divorce that needed to happen. One could argue that it was a malicious, dysfunctional breach, but one could also be a dickhead from Worcester with an awful accent and Marlboro Red/beer-breath.

In any event, I do not condone Manny's actions. In fact, I think he is an asshole for deciding to shut it down. Then again, he is retarded, but still, what's right is right, right?

What I find more aggravating is when someone outside the equation, Someone who has not spent a millisecond with the club during the regular season, decides it's his time to speak up on behalf of "his" team. The team that does not miss him one bit (assumed, because I hate him). And that's exactly what Curt did yesterday. And it makes me want to walk backwards down a flight of pudding and KY covered stairs.

So, how do we stop these people from attacking with reckless abandon, if only to be relevant for the moment? We don't. And this post would have never surfaced, if it was someone other than Schilling who came out and said, "Fuck that lazy bitch." If Bill Mueller challenged Manny to a fist-fight, I would be all for it. If Todd Walker told all his friends that he saw Manny giving a groundskeeper head - a la Vito Spadafore - in the wee hours of Fenway's player lot, I would consider his word truth. Maybe I'm a little bored, and in the mood for some Schilling hating, but what can't be denied is the pitiful, desperate plea Schilling has decided to make weekly in order to feel important again.

So fuck him.

And fuck Bobby Abreu, too.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

No MVP of Mine


Ryan Howard is not an MVP. No. Stop saying it, you're making me want to stick a piping-hot curling iron right into my ear canal. But you won't stop this argument, will you? He's become an obsession of yours, hasn't he? You go to sleep at night dreaming of Mr. Howard in a leotard, singing sweet pop-songs to you as he massages your back ever-so-delicately with Suave Aloe lotion, don't you?

(awkward silence)

Anyway, if Ryan Howard takes the NL MVP award from Albert Pujols - for the second time, mind you - I will have to act. A revolution is my only course of action, every other option has been exhausted. I will storm Cooperstown (definitely do not present award there) and torch (no) the town, laughing and crying and tearing my hair out. I will track down Bud Selig (has nothing to do with award), smack the hotdog out of his hand, break his nerdy glasses, and hip-toss him until he surrenders to my demands. Same goes for anyone who stands in the way of my cause. Because that's how I do, motherfucker.

(flips over mail cart in hallway - fired)

You see, I can't help but get all flustered over the thought of another player winning based solely on his HR and RBI totals. Have we become that shallow? Have we no discipline? Have we no pride? Do the home run dickriders really need to prevail every single year? I don't think so.

So, lets break down some stats. Let's do it, one category at a time, just so we don't miss anything, or overlook a critical issue.

BATTING AVERAGE

Pujols: .354
Howard: .249

Who hits in a better lineup? Who has the protection of a drunk college kid taking home the dorm-slut for the first time? Does batting average not count for anything anymore? If you're hitting 100 points higher than someone, it's a huge advantage. Or at least it should be. But then again, we are dealing with a bunch of home run happy fatsos who pleasure themselves daily to the 1999 home run totals page on baseball-reference.com.

ON BASE PERCENTAGE - OBP

Pujols: .458
Howard: .337

Over 100 points. And please, give me a reason why you think OBP isn't important, so I can send you to see Billy Beane Satan so he can cast you off to Oakland Hell.

Pujols is basically getting on base 50% of the time. That is more than phenominal, it's fan-fucking-tastic.

STRIKE OUTS

Pujols: 51
Howard: 190

This is too easy. Seriously, Howard is on pace - as you were formerly kept up-to-date with in AK's now defunct "Leading Off" - to break his own record of 199 K's. Why can't negative stats play into an MVP race?

ADDING TO MY CASE

Pujols is also either #1, or in the top 5 in the following categories:

- On Base + Slugging % (1)
- Slugging % (1)
- 2Bs (4)
- Hits (4)
- Total Bases (2)
- Walks (3)
- Batting Wins (1)

WHAT DOES THIS ALL MEAN?

When you strip away HR, and RBI's, Howard lands in the Top-5 in only one of the categories listed above - total bases.

Is this enough to convince the morons out there voting that Howard is in no way the MVP of the National League? No way. Will they try and bring in the argument that Howard's team is most likely making the playoffs, and Pujols' team is not? Most certainly. Will I smash them in the face with the fact that Howard won the MVP in 2006 even though his team missed the playoffs and Pujols's won the World Series? Fuck and yes.

So, in conclusion, I just want to reiterate my point - Fuck you Ryan Howard supporters. You have no brain. Or sight for baseball. Or soul. So have fun yucking it up with the other brainless/dickless writers dry-humping Fathead cutouts off your boy, R.H.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Creepy Comparison #36: America's Darling(s)


By now, I'm sure all of you are sick and tired of seeing the face on the right. I know I am. And it's not because I'm jealous - which I am (fuck fame, the guy gets to take in 12,000 calories a day while I eat a faggity salad). No, it's because I truly believe overexposure is a celebrity killer. Just look at Carrot Top - who knows where he'd be if all that fame had simply passed him by?

Michael Phelps is bound to take the same tragic route. On top of the world one day, doing coke off a homeless man's dick the next - I've seen it happen a million times. And it just so happens that the man Phelps resembles so much is another fallen titan, the one and only Ghorghe Muresan. Once the a creepy as fuck promising Hollywood transplant from the NBA, Muresan disappeared into overexposure purgatory, where he's probably helping someone get shit off the top shelf or cleaning the chandeliers.

Choose wisely, Michael, you're fate is looking at you in the mirror. Only it's not a mirror. It's a window, and it's actually Ghorghe Mureson staring back at you, looking for some crackers to eat.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

How to Win: The Milwaukee Brewers Official Handbook


Are you in the middle of a playoff race?

Are you in the hunt for a Wild Card birth?

Are you chasing your first postseason series since 1984?

Do you have one amazing starter backed by a bunch of semi-rotten oak trees cycling in your rotation?

Do you have a bullpen that sucks so hard that it makes a night out with Tom Cruise look like soft-core porn?

So, what do you do to pump some life into the team? Shake up the lineup? Promote some youth? Kill Eric Gagne with a harpoon gun?

No, you fire Ned Yost!


(Bud Selig enters, shoots Yost in chest with finger-lasers, hires Jack McKeon)

Monday, September 15, 2008

You Sir, are an A--hole


Can you smell that, Eric? No, not the meat-stuffed ravioli's baking in Mama's oven. It's the fear. The fear you emit from your greasy, clogged pores. You make me sick. You went out like a fucking coward yesterday, and made a prophet out of this bumbling retard.

Did you forget that Spaghetti Arm Pennington wasn't sitting in the pocket? Did you forget that the new QB can throw it more than 7 yards downfield? Did you forget that your boss spent $17,000,000,000 on Free Agents just so the Jets wouldn't suck? I assume you did, because your play calling through Schott Jr. was not just abysmal, but also disgusting. And infuriating. And retch inducing. and painful. And any other adjective I can think of before I lob myself off of a ledge.

And by the way, Eric, here's a little inside info - Three runs at the goal line is shit high school teams do. Ever hear of fucking PLAY-ACTION?? HUH? You fat fucking idiot, go wipe the sweat from underneath your flabby tits and get your fucking act together. Three straight fucking runs?

Give me a break. I could call a better game drunk. And asleep.

You deserved to lose. You soiled yourself when you realized Matt Cassell wasn't made out of salt and strategically placed duct-tape. Fuckhead. And Belicheck showed the world once again why he owns your tub-of-shit ass.

Go have a coronary alone and struggle to find the portable phone.

(Squeezes fists in rage, weeps softly into Dunkin Donuts napkin)

Friday, September 12, 2008

Did You Know MLB Edition 1.1


(Cue Robert Stack's rotting corpse to stand up and host, followed by bad mystery music and shitty editing)

No? Not gonna happen?

(awkward silence)

Anyway...Here's our first edition of Did You Know? featuring hysterical commentary by yours-truly and one or two witty retorts by someone faithful to the Mets.


DID YOU KNOW - Raul Ibanez is ranked 8th on the (MLB) RBI leader-board with 105, and 4th on the total hits leader-board with 176?

Yes, this is the same Raul Ibanez that seasonally hits 11 HRs in April, replaces himself from May through July with a stuffed paper bag filled with rotting dog-shit, and then returns in August just in time to buttfuck your fantasy team. And he'll be a Met next year! Go Omar!

DID YOU KNOW - Alex Rios changed his name from "Alexis" so he could appeal to the less-gay minority population of Canada, as opposed to the super-gay majority?

DID YOU KNOW - Aubrey Huff is on pace for 35/110? Did you also know Aubrey Huff still plays baseball for the Orioles of Baltimore at Camden Yards? Also, while we're on the Huff topic, word is the Red Sox are looking to trade/release/bury Mike Lowell due to his non-Aryan blood at the end of the season and bring Huff in as a replacement. The quest continues in Boston.

DID YOU KNOW - Jimmy Rollins fucked yo mama? And he hit it well?

DID YOU KNOW - Pirates CF Nate McClouth has planned his return to nobodyville, shortly after I draft him for my fantasy team in the Spring of 2009? Coincidentally, it will be just in time to help remind me that I am a stat-rat who fairs poorly at fantasy sports.

DID YOU KNOW - Zach Duke went 8-2 as a rookie in 2005, worked with a new coaching staff in Spring Training 2006, and has gone 18-37 since? Case-in-point: Giving the Pirates brass power over a successful pitcher's delivery/release/ass-wiping technique is like giving Leonard Little the keys to your brand-new SUV after the two of you have been drinking 7&7s for 5 hours.

DID YOU KNOW - The most mediocre baseball player in the majors right now is still more successful than you will ever be at your respected profession?

DID YOU KNOW - Chase Utley hit 25 HRs before the All-Star break, and has only hit 6 since?

DID YOU KNOW - Ignoring that one night Milton Bradley forced him to drink rubbing alcohol from a turkey baster, Josh Hamilton has been sober for close to 4 years?

DID YOU KNOW - Tim Lincecum - despite sporing a record of 16-3, with a 2.54 ERA and 225Ks - will lose the Cy Young this year because baseball writers have gigantic boners for wins, and nothing else? Case in point, see the AL Cy Young recipient in 1996 and the AL Cy Young recipient in 2005.

DID YOU KNOW - Jose Reyes prefers to be the bottom in man-to-man sexual relations, because it makes him feel warm and protected?

DID YOU KNOW - Ivan Rodriguez's head-to-face ratio is 34-2? Thus, sealing him as the "Creepiest Motherfucker on the Planet" award.

DID YOU KNOW - Carl Pavano has inserted his penis into this and this, and you're still kicking yourself for not spitting game to that low-6 Chili's hostess?

DID YOU KNOW - Milton Bradley is not crazy, he just enjoys making cowardly white owners/GMs edgy, suspicious and nervous?

Thursday, September 11, 2008

The Red Herring

"Look at me everyone, I'm still relevant! I still exist!"

Just when you thought it was safe to listen to something Curt Schilling has to say again, he drops another load of shit on your head.

In a recent interview on some Boston radio station (read the article here) Schilling decided to break out the old soapbox and put us childish Yankee fans in our place...Or does he mean Jets fans? No, on second thought, I think he's talking about Yankee fans...Oh, wait, Jets? Yankees? Read the article and you will see why I'm so fucking confused by this shit-for-brains.

"The euphoria in New York is palpable," Schilling said. "I mean, the Yankees suck this year. And they're bitter and mad and they're making excuses over that. And now, you know, now they got Tom going down, so, you know, New York's excited."

Yes, Curt, I, as a Yankee fan, am psyched that Tom Brady will not be helping the Red Sox win another World Series. That's the main reason why I cheered when I saw his knee ligaments shred into linguni. I'm blind with giddiness because Brady wont be hitting behind Ortiz in the playoffs. When you look back on last season, he really was the stalwart that propelled Boston to another World Series title. Wait a second, he doesn't play for the Sox, Curt, you of all people should know this. But then again, you're a fucking fat-mouth over-the-hill non-hall-of-famer, so I can see why you are confused like an old lady lost in an IKEA parking lot.

"They want us* to be as bitter and mad and miserable and they are," he said. "And, unfortunately, it's not going to happen. The sad part is going to be when (the Patriots) beat the Jets next week."

*I assume by "us" he means "Boston" here. I'm guessing in a last ditch effort to relate himself to the Boston sports world, he's planting himself now as a fan, instead of a professional athlete. Classy.

So, in your mind, Yankee fans are going to be sad when the Patriots beat the Jets on Sunday? Is that what you're getting at? Because if you are, then you need to take your fat retarded head out of your ass and brush up on New York fandom. Most Yankee fans are Giants fans (excluding yours truly), and they already have the notch on their belt that reads, "2008 Super Bowl Champions".

Also, Curt, considering how the Patriots fared against Clock Magician Herman Edwards the Kansas City Chiefs of the World Football League, I wouldn't be so fucking cocky with career backup Matt Cassell leading the charge.

"I was front row and center when their quote/unquote dynasty ended, so I'm OK with that," he said.

No, you were not. The dynasty ended when the Yankees lost to the Diamondbacks in Game 7 of the 2001 World Series, you fucking putz. How can a dynasty continue four years later? because they make the playoffs and WS, and lose? Does that make the Braves a dynasty? No, dummy. Stop giving yourself so much credit, you're starting to sound like Kevin Millar. And on top of it all, your argument is as coherent as the lonely fuckface at a bar who keeps telling you - after 17 Jack & Coke's - that he will take a bullet for you even though you only met each other about twelve minutes ago. Thanks, but no thanks Curt, I'd rather go into sepsis shock than owe you my life.

This is what bothers me most about Boston sports players, and Boston personalities - they cast-off their own self-loathing image on fans from New York. How many Yankee fans came out and called the '04 ALCS a gyp? How many Yankee fans said the games were fixed? And how many Yankee fans right now are saying, "We're under the curse of Dave Roberts, oh my God!" None. We lost. Ke sera sera. But how many Patriot fans made diarrhea in their jorts after the Patriots were beat by the Giants this past February?

Oh wait - ALL OF THEM.

Get over yourself, Curt. Enjoy the slow, tightening grip of middle-age nothingness. Not all New York fans cheer for every team, dummy, so stop mixing fan-bases together just to make a headline. I hope you eventually turn to alcohol and drugs to settle your feelings of worthlessness and contempt. Fucker.

Sheer Terror


"Wait, you're telling me I CAN'T shoot my wife?! I swear last time you said I COULD?! This is some B*ll Sh*t!"

Ok, so the scariest thing I've ever heard took place in last night's thrilling Mets v. Nationals game at Shea.

Here's the scene: Top of the 4th, the Mets just dropped 6 runs in the bottom of the 3rd, the score is 7 to 1. That lone Nats run was a solo bomb by the "troubled" Elijah Dukes. He leads off the inning and strides to the plate against young Mets phenom Mike Pelfrey. The first pitch of the at bat is pretty inside* and Dukes has to straighten up quickly to avoid getting hit in the jersey. (*Note - He did not get knocked down, did not have to jump away, he merely was brushed back in a situation that did not appear even 1% intentional.) What happened next, you ask? Dukes completely lost it and starts walking toward the mound. He's restrained by the umpire, Brian Schneider (who I'm sure was positive he was about to get stabbed or shanked or whatever felons do to people) and 2 or 3 Nationals coaches. Pelfrey (who's a lanky 6 foot 8 inch doofy looking guy) starts walking toward home plate slowly with his hands out, palms up as if he was saying, "Dude, what the hell is the matter with you, it was just a little inside?"

This prompted the following conversation* between the best/most entertaining announcing crew in the game today: Gary Cohen, Keith Hernandez and Ron Darling. (*Note - this transcript is taken completely from my memory, and while this is the gist of what they were saying, it's no where near what actually came out of their mouths)

Gary: This is just flat out insane. He's reacting like a felon. Ohh, wait, he is a felon. Either of you ever play with a guy that has a temper like Dukes?

Keith: (without hesitation) NOPE!

Ron: (without hesitation) NOPE!

Gary: Really? You guys played in the '80's for a really long time with some serious psychos. You're telling me you've never played with a guy as crazy as Dukes?

Keith: That's right, he's the craziest guy I've ever seen on a baseball field. (Keith Hernandez just pronounced someone as the craziest guy he's ever seen and this guy's seen a lot)

Ron: Yeah, I have to agree. I'd probably say that the only guy that was similar who we played with was Kevin Mitchell, but he was no where near as bad. He was very intense, but Dukes takes it to a whole other level.

Keith: I'm bored announcing again, let's split and go to Scores!

Gary/Ron: OK! Keith, you're still the coolest!

(Last part didn't happen) Ok, I guess on the surface this doesn't seem all that scary. But as Doc will attest, Kevin Mitchell is one of the scariest athletes the United States of America has ever produced. He was a menace to society. Here is his "rap sheet" courtesy of wikipedia:

  • As a youth Mitchell was shot three times in situations resulting from his involvement in street gangs.
  • Mitchell allegedly fought with fellow rookie Darryl Strawberry during a pick-up basketball game in 1982 shortly after both were drafted and signed by the New York Mets. (whenever the word 'allegedly' is written about you, it's generally not good)
  • An urban legend involving Mitchell holds that during the Mets' championship run in 1986, during an argument with his then live-in girlfriend, Mitchell decapitated her cat. The story first came to light in Dwight Gooden's autobiography, Heat. Gooden claimed that an enraged Mitchell held him hostage during the alleged cat incident. Mitchell responded to Gooden's accusations by accusing Gooden of fabricating the stories in an attempt to divert attention away from Gooden's personal problems.
  • After being released for the last time from a MLB team, he was arrested in late 1998 for assaulting his father during an argument.
  • Back in the minor leagues as manager of the Sonoma County Crushers in 2000, he was suspended for nine games after punching the opposing team's owner in the mouth during a brawl.
  • Mitchell sustained several unusual injuries during his career. He once strained a muscle while vomiting.
  • However, the most infamous of Mitchell's injuries occurred when he broke a tooth eating a frozen chocolate donut that he had put in the microwave too long and had hardened. The incident is said to have led to Mitchell's needing a root canal, and he was later fitted with a gold tooth as the replacement.

Do you see what I'm talking about here? Keith and Ron both knew ALL of this last night when they uttered the words, "Mitchell has nothing on Dukes in the crazy department."

WMHG? readers, lock your doors tonight, the Nationals are in town.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Creepy Comparison #35: Who You Callin' A SCRUB?

That's 100% Hollywood right there! First, slugging for your Los Angeles Dodgers (and getting Joe Torre back into the Playoffs again) is a young Manny Ramirez. He seems to be having a great time in LA hitting around .600. Angry in Boston, now who knows why he's happy? Does anyone really know? Ohh, that's right, no one does, cause his mind was stunted at age 9 and he acts like a child. He's also apparently the less tan version of the gentleman on the right. Donald Faison, of such classics as Clueless, Can't Hardly Wait and Trippin', can now be seen regularly on SCRUBS. I don't know why I like that show, but I do. Wait, I do know why. Cause they used to have it on after Seinfeld @ 11pm and I was too lazy to change the channel.

Monday, September 8, 2008

Week One Report - NYJ


Since a report card is as original as upper-decking someone's toilet, I decided to just spew my thoughts down about the Jets victory yesterday, before they're scrambled into a constant loop of New England hatred banter and Tom Brady's season ending leg molesting in KC.

First off, the Jets looked confident. Not Jeremy Shockey in a "Biggest Fucking Douchebag-Asshole" competition confident, but confident none-the-less. It obviously stemmed from having Favre at the helm. The dynamic of the team felt different. Most seasons, in week 1, the offense is tense, wandering around behind a guy who is an arm/leg/face injury away from total franchise collapse. Now that Favre is there, the offensive players were walking around like they just discovered getting lame tattoos enlarges your cock. So there was A LOT of swaggering.

Both the rookies, vets and studs looked good in the secondary, and rarely got beat. I understand they were matched against receivers my 3-year-old cousin could bump off the line, but regardless, they looked steady. Hopefully this is a sign of things to come and not a charade that will have me Googling Dwight Lowery's home address in a few weeks. And yes, I realize that is a creepy statement.

Cotchery is ready to shred. GET THE FUCK OUT OF HIS WAY. For all of those idiots saying he's too slow, and predicting a down year after last year's breakout, you better get ready to do some serious knob-slobbing. Bank on it.

Mangini's boobies got bigger. Usually this would be a bad thing - weight gain, cholesterol intake, heart swelling - but when it comes to tit-heavy NFL head coaches, the bigger, the better. Let's hope he's rocking 36DDs by the end of the season.

On the downside, I was not impressed with the offensive line. They played sloppy. Most of what Thomas Jones did can be attributed to savvy running and the the battering ram he had lead-blocking, Tony Richardson. If you disagree with me, go back and watch Brett Favre's pocket collapse faster than Lindsay Lohan while on a 3 day coke binge. Interpret the previous statement however you wish.

Tom Brady died is out for the year. Someone, somewhere, answered a legion of Green-and-White fan's prayers. Now I'm just hoping Matt Cassell doesn't turn into Brady 2.0.


*Note: Yankees are in fourth place. I'm officially in that post car-crash mode where I don't remember shit and am too traumatized to speak. Oh by the way, ESPN.com's Page 2 made a reference to the Yankees being behind Toronto, but failed to joke on New England losing their best player. What a fucking surprise. I'd like to challenge everyone of those homerific cocksuckers to a boxing match. Fucking nerds.

It Worked!

Friday, September 5, 2008

Creepy Comparison #34: Pile Edition


War movies are like porno. Except there are less fake boobies, less fake lips, less ass implants and less fake hair. And there's a lot less sex. And a lot less moaning. But like a good porno, all men enjoy movies that glorify the genocidal tendencies of a platoon, a regiment or a squad - it's in our blood. This is a well known fact, a cliche you might say(rhyme). Even Wall Street pussies who secretly enjoy "The Hills" will divulge in a good war movie from time to time. And then they'll got back to watch their fruity shows and weep themselves to sleep in a big empty bed covered with $100 bills and loneliness.

But I digress...

I love Full Metal Jacket. It's one of the greatest movies ever. Kubrick shocked the fucking wits out of critics when he presented this gore fest filled with murderers, psychopaths and a character named "Animal Mother". If you've never seen it, and you have a set between your legs, jump in front of a train. It's not only gritty, it's straight up fucked. And every time I watch it now, I can't help the uncanny resemblance between Vincent D'Onofrio's Private Pile and current out-of-shape injury prone fatty former Yankee farmhand Nick Johnson.

I can just imagine Dmitri Young dumping a dozen soap bars into a pillowcase and then pounding the shit out of Johnson's chubby gut for stealing his position...and then Johnson killing Manny Acta and himself in a rage...And then Ryan Zimmerman detailing the horrors of playing for the Nationals...and then a lot more blood and...(shudder)...

Anyway. It'll be a 1-0 to Bernie.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

NFL/MLB Quick Thoughts



Am I too lazy to put thought into a post today? Yes. Do I care? No. Do I secretly wish the Giants were playing someone other than the Redskins tonight because The Skins are one of the three teams I hate more than the Giants? Yes. Do I like to answer my own questions? Fuck Yes. Do I like Orange Vitamin Water? Of course. Am I going to go drink one? You can bet your fucking ass I am. Do I feel like linking the stories below? Nope. Can you, the reader, go to ESPN.com and see them for yourself? Like Always.


- Tonight is opening night for the NFL. Fuck Yes! It's time for me to put all my hopes and dreams into another team that talks a big game but then rips my still-beating heart right out of my chest.

- Throughout the D.C. Metro area, Redskins fans are currently convincing themselves through sheer stupidity that Dan Snyder is not molesting Jason Taylor on a daily basis and that their team actually has a shot at winning the NFC East. They are also planning to eat several dozen crabcakes, wander around the Meadowlands parking lot while rubbing their hastily groomed hick mustache, and black out before opening kickoff.

- Apparently Tatum Bell decided to steal Rudi Johnson's luggage at the airport as a "welcome to the team/fuck yourself, I got cut because they signed you" prank. And who says NFL players are immature douchebags?

- Scott McClain, San Francisco's resident Crash Davis, hit his first major league home run last night after only 19 seasons in the minors. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say McClain isn't married and has not fucked an above-average to near-mint groupie since Ronald Reagan was getting drunk and taunting the little red button in the oval office.

- Speaking of the Giants, Barry Zito is 9-16. He has been taking pointers from Jose Lima on how to be terrible year in and year out and not get executed for being paid like a star.

- The Yankees have won all three of Carl Pavano's starts since he returned from lobotomy surgery 2 weeks ago. But seriously, thanks for all the beautiful memories, Carl, I hope your car hits some ice on the Major Deegan and you careen into the divider at 90 mph.

- The Mets are three games up in the NL East. Coincidentally, residents of Queens have not shit in almost three weeks.

- Brett Favre was named one of the Jets offensive captains. Somewhere far off in the back of the locker room a single tear rolled down Kellen Clemens' freckled cheek.

- Last night, the newly implemented instant replay helps uphold an A-Rod homerun. I wonder if the umps can also go back and find out if every one of his GDP/K/F were questionable as well.

- Peyton Manning and Chad Johnson are both set to start the season healthy, and ready to buttfuck every single one of you morons (me) who passed them over in your fantasy drafts.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

WMHG? Profiles: Daniel Murphy


NAME: Daniel Murphy (please, not Dan, he's too serious for that)
BORN: April 1,1985 in Jacksonville, FL
NICKNAME(S): (not real): 'Danny Baseball', 'Wade Boggs Jr.', 'Little Mean Hitting Machine'
HEIGHT: 6-1 WEIGHT: 215 BATS: Left THROWS: Right
HIGH SCHOOL: Engelwood (Jacksonville, FL)
COLLEGE: Jacksonville University
DRAFTED: Selected by New York Mets in 13rd Round (394th overall) of 2006 amateur entry draft
HIGHEST MINOR LEAGUE LEVEL: AA
MINOR LEAGUE STAT TOTALS: 3 Seasons / 255 Games / 939 AB / 128 R / 153 RBI / 12 HR / .288 AVG / 20 SB / .350 OBP
MAJOR LEAGUE STAT TOTALS: 28 Games / 73 AB / 14 R / 13 RBI / 2 HR / .342 BA / .430 OBP

The myth began in suburban Florida, in the hot summer afternoons. Sweltering heat. So hot you almost can't move. Humidity so thick just walking to the mailbox feels like wading through a pool. That's where the myth began. "The boy that never got out" was the story that was told in sandlots and playgrounds. The myth grew. High School team after High School team began to spread the word. "How do you get a guy out when it seems like he knows what pitches are coming?" they'd ask. The man grew. Young scouts were overheard saying, "I guess this is what it must have been like to scout Tony Gwynn."

Daniel Murphy is his name. Getting on base is his game. All I know about him is what they tell me. They say he treats the game as his job. Serious from the minute he walks in the stadium till the instant he's done air-drying after his post game shower (no one told me that one, I made that up). The proof is in the pudding. Just look at the picture above. It was his first day in the big leagues and he won't even smile. He's too busy thinking about Jake Peavy or Dan Haren or whoever he was facing that night and exactly how he would destroy them. He works the count like an old vet and after they called him up to the big leagues he was hotter than...well, he was hot (I'm done setting the "it's hot" mood). Seemed like every count was full, and every AB ended in a walk or a hit. He was hitting .429 after his first 16 games, and after the inevitable cool off period (1 for his next 18) the average has settled in nicely at .342.

I'm all for giving young players time to develop. Not getting to high after a hot start or to low after a cold start. I'll handle Daniel the same way. Moises Alou will not be back next year (or this year for that matter) . We'll need a left fielder. Watching this kid is fun. I could get used to it.

The Fifth Horseman


Conquest...War...Famine...Death...Rays?

If you've been too busy sticking your nose up the DNC's ass, then you should wander over to baseball-reference.com and check out who has the best record in the American League as of today.

See it?

The Rays. And even though this story is getting staler than Kim Kardashian's breath after an all-night Reggie knobbing festival, I still need to weigh in.

Yes, this team is for real.

And even though I still stand sternly behind my belief that this season is not a miracle, but rather the result of several years of high draft picks and very stupid trade partners, I still think this team deserves some recognition. When you look at this roster and see who was added in the last year to help this team turn it around, you ultimately end up smacking yourself in the face and wondering why your underwear suddenly feels moist.

Well, maybe that's just me, but it's very, very surprising. Why? Because the list of Free Agent players or traded players added this off-season/season that have contributed reads as follows:

- Troy Percival
- Gabe Gross
- Cliff Floyd
- Eric Hinske
- Trever Miller

Really, really intimidating, right? Obviously that was a rhetorical question, because the answer is no. And to be honest, if I saw the above list posted somewhere eight months ago, I would have assumed it was a list of guys announcing their retirement, not helping a loser team reach the playoffs for the first time in franchise history.

Now Boston may be returning to form once their whole team comes off the DL, but I can't see them catching the Rays, because the Rays have something the whole AL East is lacking: Starting Pitching consistency. All 5 of the guys currently in their rotation are going to throw over 150 innings a piece. All 5 of these guys have winning records - yes, even Andy "How the Fuck Do I Get By With Zero Stuff" Sonnanstine.

Sonnanstine actually leads the team in wins.

(Takes out samurai sword, opens up gut with clean swipe)

It's the end of the world. The Rays are good. Lets all rejoice while mankind comes crashing down around us, coincidentally not hurting anyone inside Tropicana Field, because it's still fucking empty even though the team is in 1st fucking place.