Friday, September 5, 2008

Creepy Comparison #34: Pile Edition

War movies are like porno. Except there are less fake boobies, less fake lips, less ass implants and less fake hair. And there's a lot less sex. And a lot less moaning. But like a good porno, all men enjoy movies that glorify the genocidal tendencies of a platoon, a regiment or a squad - it's in our blood. This is a well known fact, a cliche you might say(rhyme). Even Wall Street pussies who secretly enjoy "The Hills" will divulge in a good war movie from time to time. And then they'll got back to watch their fruity shows and weep themselves to sleep in a big empty bed covered with $100 bills and loneliness.

But I digress...

I love Full Metal Jacket. It's one of the greatest movies ever. Kubrick shocked the fucking wits out of critics when he presented this gore fest filled with murderers, psychopaths and a character named "Animal Mother". If you've never seen it, and you have a set between your legs, jump in front of a train. It's not only gritty, it's straight up fucked. And every time I watch it now, I can't help the uncanny resemblance between Vincent D'Onofrio's Private Pile and current out-of-shape injury prone fatty former Yankee farmhand Nick Johnson.

I can just imagine Dmitri Young dumping a dozen soap bars into a pillowcase and then pounding the shit out of Johnson's chubby gut for stealing his position...and then Johnson killing Manny Acta and himself in a rage...And then Ryan Zimmerman detailing the horrors of playing for the Nationals...and then a lot more blood and...(shudder)...

Anyway. It'll be a 1-0 to Bernie.

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