Friday, September 12, 2008

Did You Know MLB Edition 1.1

(Cue Robert Stack's rotting corpse to stand up and host, followed by bad mystery music and shitty editing)

No? Not gonna happen?

(awkward silence)

Anyway...Here's our first edition of Did You Know? featuring hysterical commentary by yours-truly and one or two witty retorts by someone faithful to the Mets.

DID YOU KNOW - Raul Ibanez is ranked 8th on the (MLB) RBI leader-board with 105, and 4th on the total hits leader-board with 176?

Yes, this is the same Raul Ibanez that seasonally hits 11 HRs in April, replaces himself from May through July with a stuffed paper bag filled with rotting dog-shit, and then returns in August just in time to buttfuck your fantasy team. And he'll be a Met next year! Go Omar!

DID YOU KNOW - Alex Rios changed his name from "Alexis" so he could appeal to the less-gay minority population of Canada, as opposed to the super-gay majority?

DID YOU KNOW - Aubrey Huff is on pace for 35/110? Did you also know Aubrey Huff still plays baseball for the Orioles of Baltimore at Camden Yards? Also, while we're on the Huff topic, word is the Red Sox are looking to trade/release/bury Mike Lowell due to his non-Aryan blood at the end of the season and bring Huff in as a replacement. The quest continues in Boston.

DID YOU KNOW - Jimmy Rollins fucked yo mama? And he hit it well?

DID YOU KNOW - Pirates CF Nate McClouth has planned his return to nobodyville, shortly after I draft him for my fantasy team in the Spring of 2009? Coincidentally, it will be just in time to help remind me that I am a stat-rat who fairs poorly at fantasy sports.

DID YOU KNOW - Zach Duke went 8-2 as a rookie in 2005, worked with a new coaching staff in Spring Training 2006, and has gone 18-37 since? Case-in-point: Giving the Pirates brass power over a successful pitcher's delivery/release/ass-wiping technique is like giving Leonard Little the keys to your brand-new SUV after the two of you have been drinking 7&7s for 5 hours.

DID YOU KNOW - The most mediocre baseball player in the majors right now is still more successful than you will ever be at your respected profession?

DID YOU KNOW - Chase Utley hit 25 HRs before the All-Star break, and has only hit 6 since?

DID YOU KNOW - Ignoring that one night Milton Bradley forced him to drink rubbing alcohol from a turkey baster, Josh Hamilton has been sober for close to 4 years?

DID YOU KNOW - Tim Lincecum - despite sporing a record of 16-3, with a 2.54 ERA and 225Ks - will lose the Cy Young this year because baseball writers have gigantic boners for wins, and nothing else? Case in point, see the AL Cy Young recipient in 1996 and the AL Cy Young recipient in 2005.

DID YOU KNOW - Jose Reyes prefers to be the bottom in man-to-man sexual relations, because it makes him feel warm and protected?

DID YOU KNOW - Ivan Rodriguez's head-to-face ratio is 34-2? Thus, sealing him as the "Creepiest Motherfucker on the Planet" award.

DID YOU KNOW - Carl Pavano has inserted his penis into this and this, and you're still kicking yourself for not spitting game to that low-6 Chili's hostess?

DID YOU KNOW - Milton Bradley is not crazy, he just enjoys making cowardly white owners/GMs edgy, suspicious and nervous?

1 comment:

Mister Turkey said...

No, I did not know any of that. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a Chili's hostess to find.