Thursday, September 4, 2008

NFL/MLB Quick Thoughts



Am I too lazy to put thought into a post today? Yes. Do I care? No. Do I secretly wish the Giants were playing someone other than the Redskins tonight because The Skins are one of the three teams I hate more than the Giants? Yes. Do I like to answer my own questions? Fuck Yes. Do I like Orange Vitamin Water? Of course. Am I going to go drink one? You can bet your fucking ass I am. Do I feel like linking the stories below? Nope. Can you, the reader, go to ESPN.com and see them for yourself? Like Always.


- Tonight is opening night for the NFL. Fuck Yes! It's time for me to put all my hopes and dreams into another team that talks a big game but then rips my still-beating heart right out of my chest.

- Throughout the D.C. Metro area, Redskins fans are currently convincing themselves through sheer stupidity that Dan Snyder is not molesting Jason Taylor on a daily basis and that their team actually has a shot at winning the NFC East. They are also planning to eat several dozen crabcakes, wander around the Meadowlands parking lot while rubbing their hastily groomed hick mustache, and black out before opening kickoff.

- Apparently Tatum Bell decided to steal Rudi Johnson's luggage at the airport as a "welcome to the team/fuck yourself, I got cut because they signed you" prank. And who says NFL players are immature douchebags?

- Scott McClain, San Francisco's resident Crash Davis, hit his first major league home run last night after only 19 seasons in the minors. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say McClain isn't married and has not fucked an above-average to near-mint groupie since Ronald Reagan was getting drunk and taunting the little red button in the oval office.

- Speaking of the Giants, Barry Zito is 9-16. He has been taking pointers from Jose Lima on how to be terrible year in and year out and not get executed for being paid like a star.

- The Yankees have won all three of Carl Pavano's starts since he returned from lobotomy surgery 2 weeks ago. But seriously, thanks for all the beautiful memories, Carl, I hope your car hits some ice on the Major Deegan and you careen into the divider at 90 mph.

- The Mets are three games up in the NL East. Coincidentally, residents of Queens have not shit in almost three weeks.

- Brett Favre was named one of the Jets offensive captains. Somewhere far off in the back of the locker room a single tear rolled down Kellen Clemens' freckled cheek.

- Last night, the newly implemented instant replay helps uphold an A-Rod homerun. I wonder if the umps can also go back and find out if every one of his GDP/K/F were questionable as well.

- Peyton Manning and Chad Johnson are both set to start the season healthy, and ready to buttfuck every single one of you morons (me) who passed them over in your fantasy drafts.

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