Thursday, September 18, 2008

No MVP of Mine

Ryan Howard is not an MVP. No. Stop saying it, you're making me want to stick a piping-hot curling iron right into my ear canal. But you won't stop this argument, will you? He's become an obsession of yours, hasn't he? You go to sleep at night dreaming of Mr. Howard in a leotard, singing sweet pop-songs to you as he massages your back ever-so-delicately with Suave Aloe lotion, don't you?

(awkward silence)

Anyway, if Ryan Howard takes the NL MVP award from Albert Pujols - for the second time, mind you - I will have to act. A revolution is my only course of action, every other option has been exhausted. I will storm Cooperstown (definitely do not present award there) and torch (no) the town, laughing and crying and tearing my hair out. I will track down Bud Selig (has nothing to do with award), smack the hotdog out of his hand, break his nerdy glasses, and hip-toss him until he surrenders to my demands. Same goes for anyone who stands in the way of my cause. Because that's how I do, motherfucker.

(flips over mail cart in hallway - fired)

You see, I can't help but get all flustered over the thought of another player winning based solely on his HR and RBI totals. Have we become that shallow? Have we no discipline? Have we no pride? Do the home run dickriders really need to prevail every single year? I don't think so.

So, lets break down some stats. Let's do it, one category at a time, just so we don't miss anything, or overlook a critical issue.


Pujols: .354
Howard: .249

Who hits in a better lineup? Who has the protection of a drunk college kid taking home the dorm-slut for the first time? Does batting average not count for anything anymore? If you're hitting 100 points higher than someone, it's a huge advantage. Or at least it should be. But then again, we are dealing with a bunch of home run happy fatsos who pleasure themselves daily to the 1999 home run totals page on


Pujols: .458
Howard: .337

Over 100 points. And please, give me a reason why you think OBP isn't important, so I can send you to see Billy Beane Satan so he can cast you off to Oakland Hell.

Pujols is basically getting on base 50% of the time. That is more than phenominal, it's fan-fucking-tastic.


Pujols: 51
Howard: 190

This is too easy. Seriously, Howard is on pace - as you were formerly kept up-to-date with in AK's now defunct "Leading Off" - to break his own record of 199 K's. Why can't negative stats play into an MVP race?


Pujols is also either #1, or in the top 5 in the following categories:

- On Base + Slugging % (1)
- Slugging % (1)
- 2Bs (4)
- Hits (4)
- Total Bases (2)
- Walks (3)
- Batting Wins (1)


When you strip away HR, and RBI's, Howard lands in the Top-5 in only one of the categories listed above - total bases.

Is this enough to convince the morons out there voting that Howard is in no way the MVP of the National League? No way. Will they try and bring in the argument that Howard's team is most likely making the playoffs, and Pujols' team is not? Most certainly. Will I smash them in the face with the fact that Howard won the MVP in 2006 even though his team missed the playoffs and Pujols's won the World Series? Fuck and yes.

So, in conclusion, I just want to reiterate my point - Fuck you Ryan Howard supporters. You have no brain. Or sight for baseball. Or soul. So have fun yucking it up with the other brainless/dickless writers dry-humping Fathead cutouts off your boy, R.H.


Dan said...

On my Better than Dickface (Howard) list:

1. Pujols - you forgot to mention that the ONLY reason Tony LaRussa hasn't been found comatose w/ 12 empty bottles of Boones Farm and Jager (mmmmmmm, Jager) surrounding him in a bathtub filled with naked barbie dolls is this guy. Oh, and he's doing it without an elbow.

2. The Big Puma - not as gaudy of numbers as God (Pujols), but still a shit load better than Howard. He also went on a tear for a while when the Astros weren't throwing Brian Moehler and Brandon Backe on consecutive starts. Astros went into crapper, Puma coasts. Still better. Oh, and he stole 16 bags. Suck it, Rhino.

3. Ryan Braun - You want to vote for power but hate fate black guys in tricked out Mercury Cougars? (sorry, AK). Try Braun. Kid is in his 2nd year, and raking. He's going to have over 100 rbi and has hit the ball out enough times to give ass-rash to Bernie sliding down left field. (Side note - who the fuck came up with that slide? At least get some dignity and a paper mache apple or something. Jesus. You're in Wisconsin - how about having him chug down a Miller rather than act like a (gay) fireman). Oh yea, and he's out of position and playing hurt.

4. David Wright - What do you want from me, I'm a Mets fan. No, Wright doesn't deserve it given his play down the stretch here, but this isn't guys that should win the MVP. This is guys who deserve it more than Howard. He's got the numbers and a glove to back it up. No he doesn't hit pop ups to left (homeruns in Citizens Bank), but he drives it to right field and gets more ass than Downery Jr. circa Coke/heroine days.

5. Jose - I'd suck him off. Oh, and he has more hits than anyone in the league, by a lot.

There are lots others, but this is just a comment.

Doc Holliday said...

The only reason Ryan Braun wont win is because he's a jew.

(awkward silence)

Just kidding. I agree with Berkman, his team has more losers on it than a baseball traveling team of high school kids who couldn't make varsity.