Ryan Howard is not an MVP. No. Stop saying it, you're making me want to stick a piping-hot curling iron right into my ear canal. But you won't stop this argument, will you? He's become an obsession of yours, hasn't he? You go to sleep at night dreaming of Mr. Howard in a leotard, singing sweet pop-songs to you as he massages your back ever-so-delicately with Suave Aloe lotion, don't you?
Anyway, if Ryan Howard takes the NL MVP award from Albert Pujols - for the second time, mind you - I will have to act. A revolution is my only course of action, every other option has been exhausted. I will storm Cooperstown (definitely do not present award there) and torch (no) the town, laughing and crying and tearing my hair out. I will track down Bud Selig (has nothing to do with award), smack the hotdog out of his hand, break his nerdy glasses, and hip-toss him until he surrenders to my demands. Same goes for anyone who stands in the way of my cause. Because that's how I do, motherfucker.
(flips over mail cart in hallway - fired)
You see, I can't help but get all flustered over the thought of another player winning based solely on his HR and RBI totals. Have we become that shallow? Have we no discipline? Have we no pride? Do the home run dickriders really need to prevail every single year? I don't think so.
So, lets break down some stats. Let's do it, one category at a time, just so we don't miss anything, or overlook a critical issue.
Who hits in a better lineup? Who has the protection of a drunk college kid taking home the dorm-slut for the first time? Does batting average not count for anything anymore? If you're hitting 100 points higher than someone, it's a huge advantage. Or at least it should be. But then again, we are dealing with a bunch of home run happy fatsos who pleasure themselves daily to the 1999 home run totals page on baseball-reference.com.
ON BASE PERCENTAGE - OBP
Over 100 points. And please, give me a reason why you think OBP isn't important, so I can send you to see
Pujols is basically getting on base 50% of the time. That is more than phenominal, it's fan-fucking-tastic.
This is too easy. Seriously, Howard is on pace - as you were formerly kept up-to-date with in AK's now defunct "Leading Off" - to break his own record of 199 K's. Why can't negative stats play into an MVP race?
ADDING TO MY CASE
Pujols is also either #1, or in the top 5 in the following categories:
- On Base + Slugging % (1)
- Slugging % (1)
- 2Bs (4)
- Hits (4)
- Total Bases (2)
- Walks (3)
- Batting Wins (1)
WHAT DOES THIS ALL MEAN?
When you strip away HR, and RBI's, Howard lands in the Top-5 in only one of the categories listed above - total bases.
Is this enough to convince the morons out there voting that Howard is in no way the MVP of the National League? No way. Will they try and bring in the argument that Howard's team is most likely making the playoffs, and Pujols' team is not? Most certainly. Will I smash them in the face with the fact that Howard won the MVP in 2006 even though his team missed the playoffs and Pujols's won the World Series? Fuck and yes.
So, in conclusion, I just want to reiterate my point - Fuck you Ryan Howard supporters. You have no brain. Or sight for baseball. Or soul. So have fun yucking it up with the other brainless/dickless writers dry-humping Fathead cutouts off your boy, R.H.