Thursday, September 11, 2008

Sheer Terror

"Wait, you're telling me I CAN'T shoot my wife?! I swear last time you said I COULD?! This is some B*ll Sh*t!"

Ok, so the scariest thing I've ever heard took place in last night's thrilling Mets v. Nationals game at Shea.

Here's the scene: Top of the 4th, the Mets just dropped 6 runs in the bottom of the 3rd, the score is 7 to 1. That lone Nats run was a solo bomb by the "troubled" Elijah Dukes. He leads off the inning and strides to the plate against young Mets phenom Mike Pelfrey. The first pitch of the at bat is pretty inside* and Dukes has to straighten up quickly to avoid getting hit in the jersey. (*Note - He did not get knocked down, did not have to jump away, he merely was brushed back in a situation that did not appear even 1% intentional.) What happened next, you ask? Dukes completely lost it and starts walking toward the mound. He's restrained by the umpire, Brian Schneider (who I'm sure was positive he was about to get stabbed or shanked or whatever felons do to people) and 2 or 3 Nationals coaches. Pelfrey (who's a lanky 6 foot 8 inch doofy looking guy) starts walking toward home plate slowly with his hands out, palms up as if he was saying, "Dude, what the hell is the matter with you, it was just a little inside?"

This prompted the following conversation* between the best/most entertaining announcing crew in the game today: Gary Cohen, Keith Hernandez and Ron Darling. (*Note - this transcript is taken completely from my memory, and while this is the gist of what they were saying, it's no where near what actually came out of their mouths)

Gary: This is just flat out insane. He's reacting like a felon. Ohh, wait, he is a felon. Either of you ever play with a guy that has a temper like Dukes?

Keith: (without hesitation) NOPE!

Ron: (without hesitation) NOPE!

Gary: Really? You guys played in the '80's for a really long time with some serious psychos. You're telling me you've never played with a guy as crazy as Dukes?

Keith: That's right, he's the craziest guy I've ever seen on a baseball field. (Keith Hernandez just pronounced someone as the craziest guy he's ever seen and this guy's seen a lot)

Ron: Yeah, I have to agree. I'd probably say that the only guy that was similar who we played with was Kevin Mitchell, but he was no where near as bad. He was very intense, but Dukes takes it to a whole other level.

Keith: I'm bored announcing again, let's split and go to Scores!

Gary/Ron: OK! Keith, you're still the coolest!

(Last part didn't happen) Ok, I guess on the surface this doesn't seem all that scary. But as Doc will attest, Kevin Mitchell is one of the scariest athletes the United States of America has ever produced. He was a menace to society. Here is his "rap sheet" courtesy of wikipedia:

  • As a youth Mitchell was shot three times in situations resulting from his involvement in street gangs.
  • Mitchell allegedly fought with fellow rookie Darryl Strawberry during a pick-up basketball game in 1982 shortly after both were drafted and signed by the New York Mets. (whenever the word 'allegedly' is written about you, it's generally not good)
  • An urban legend involving Mitchell holds that during the Mets' championship run in 1986, during an argument with his then live-in girlfriend, Mitchell decapitated her cat. The story first came to light in Dwight Gooden's autobiography, Heat. Gooden claimed that an enraged Mitchell held him hostage during the alleged cat incident. Mitchell responded to Gooden's accusations by accusing Gooden of fabricating the stories in an attempt to divert attention away from Gooden's personal problems.
  • After being released for the last time from a MLB team, he was arrested in late 1998 for assaulting his father during an argument.
  • Back in the minor leagues as manager of the Sonoma County Crushers in 2000, he was suspended for nine games after punching the opposing team's owner in the mouth during a brawl.
  • Mitchell sustained several unusual injuries during his career. He once strained a muscle while vomiting.
  • However, the most infamous of Mitchell's injuries occurred when he broke a tooth eating a frozen chocolate donut that he had put in the microwave too long and had hardened. The incident is said to have led to Mitchell's needing a root canal, and he was later fitted with a gold tooth as the replacement.

Do you see what I'm talking about here? Keith and Ron both knew ALL of this last night when they uttered the words, "Mitchell has nothing on Dukes in the crazy department."

WMHG? readers, lock your doors tonight, the Nationals are in town.


Doc Holliday said...

That is a great breakdown of Dukes.

While we're on the subject, go check the back issue of ESPN the Mag a few months ago, there was an article on Dukes that tried to humanize him. I don't remember specifics, but when I read it all I kept thinking was, "Dukes put a knife to this reporter's throat and demanded a "decent" story. It was odd, to say the least.

Dan said...

Yes, yes, a million times yes.

This guy texted a picture of a gun to his girlfriend/baby mama/definitely prostitute to pretty much say, "Hey bitch, you dead!" Oh - and he still has a job.

I'm pretty sure I ranked him in the craziest SOB's along with Ugueth Urbina (you know, the one of the machete and burning landscapers) in an old Doc post. Absolutely insane.

The best part was later in the game when he ACTUALLY got hurt. I was pretty sure someone was dying.