Monday, September 29, 2008

There's Always Next Year

I'm not a Mets fan, not in any way, shape or form. I actually dislike the Mets. For what reason? Well, I don't have time to get into that now, because I'm not here to bash you guys and the team you love so much. No, I'm here to offer my condolences. Yes, I have a heart. A shriveled, black little bastard, but it's there, pumping ice water through my veins, feeling for the Orange, Blue and sometimes Black from Queens.

Let me be the first to say I feel your pain (shame). I can't believe the Brewers are in and the Mets are out. That sucks on many different levels. And I'm sure the feeling must be one of shock and awe. Like when you see someone eating a plain hotdog. You think to yourself, "How the fuck does someone eat a plain hotdog? No mustard, no relish, not even a little ketchup? What a fucking waste."

That's what I assume you are all going through. Two years of blood thinning disappointment. Two years of - collapses? No, this year was not a collapse, it was more of a limp to the finish line. And just before the team got there, C.C. Sabathia came up from behind and garroted you with his size XXXXL coat hanger. It sucks. It really, really sucks. And here are a few more reasons why it sucks so hard:

- The Brewers will not compete in the Divisional round of the playoffs. NO FUCKING WAY. Without Sabathia, their pitching staff sucks cock. Ben Sheets is dead, Doug Davis should be working at a lumber yard, and Yovani Gallardo was rushed back from a season-ending injury with duct tape wrapped around his body for support. And, as all baseball fans know, what is one thing you need to win in October? A bullpen. Is there a gaping wound filled with broken dreams and Saloman Torres tears and Eric Gagne's discarded rec-specs where the Brewers bullpen should be? Yes.

- Billy Wagner is laughing at you right now. I suggest you find him and burn his house down. Does this (false) information have anything to do with my undying hatred for this piece-of-shit? Of course not (yes).

- What could be more legendary than a NLCS between The Phillies and the Mets? Old man Moyer on the mound, Pedro's Jeri-curl juice spraying as he guts out just one more, awful hate-driven fans in the stands, Ryan Howard's gigantic nostrils flaring from game to game, Carlos Delgado spitting on the American flag - it would be epic. But no. It's not going to happen. I'm legitimately upset that there wont be a shanking committed in the stands of Shea/Citizen Bank Park just one more time.

- In Ryan Church's hazy, out-of-focus mind, he hit that homerun, and the Mets won. He will be waiting at JFK today for the plane to the one game playoff against the Brewers. Sadly, it will never arrive.

But the Mets will move on. And I'm sure you will too. Look at the bright side, at least the rest of America will not be subjected to that disgusting, stomach turning mole on the side of Carlos Beltran's ear. I almost fucking puked when I saw that - don't know how I missed it before.

So, I bid a fond farewell to the 2008 Mets. You guys gave it your all...well, no you didn't, but at least you can look forward to the off-season ritualistic decapitation of Aaron Heilman at the opening ceremonies of Citi Field.

That's always a plus.


ice said...

did you photo-shop in a boot to that guy's face?? Something just doesn't look right...

Doc Holliday said...

No, that is the unapologetic fist of fate punching him right in his fat face.