Monday, September 8, 2008

Week One Report - NYJ

Since a report card is as original as upper-decking someone's toilet, I decided to just spew my thoughts down about the Jets victory yesterday, before they're scrambled into a constant loop of New England hatred banter and Tom Brady's season ending leg molesting in KC.

First off, the Jets looked confident. Not Jeremy Shockey in a "Biggest Fucking Douchebag-Asshole" competition confident, but confident none-the-less. It obviously stemmed from having Favre at the helm. The dynamic of the team felt different. Most seasons, in week 1, the offense is tense, wandering around behind a guy who is an arm/leg/face injury away from total franchise collapse. Now that Favre is there, the offensive players were walking around like they just discovered getting lame tattoos enlarges your cock. So there was A LOT of swaggering.

Both the rookies, vets and studs looked good in the secondary, and rarely got beat. I understand they were matched against receivers my 3-year-old cousin could bump off the line, but regardless, they looked steady. Hopefully this is a sign of things to come and not a charade that will have me Googling Dwight Lowery's home address in a few weeks. And yes, I realize that is a creepy statement.

Cotchery is ready to shred. GET THE FUCK OUT OF HIS WAY. For all of those idiots saying he's too slow, and predicting a down year after last year's breakout, you better get ready to do some serious knob-slobbing. Bank on it.

Mangini's boobies got bigger. Usually this would be a bad thing - weight gain, cholesterol intake, heart swelling - but when it comes to tit-heavy NFL head coaches, the bigger, the better. Let's hope he's rocking 36DDs by the end of the season.

On the downside, I was not impressed with the offensive line. They played sloppy. Most of what Thomas Jones did can be attributed to savvy running and the the battering ram he had lead-blocking, Tony Richardson. If you disagree with me, go back and watch Brett Favre's pocket collapse faster than Lindsay Lohan while on a 3 day coke binge. Interpret the previous statement however you wish.

Tom Brady died is out for the year. Someone, somewhere, answered a legion of Green-and-White fan's prayers. Now I'm just hoping Matt Cassell doesn't turn into Brady 2.0.

*Note: Yankees are in fourth place. I'm officially in that post car-crash mode where I don't remember shit and am too traumatized to speak. Oh by the way,'s Page 2 made a reference to the Yankees being behind Toronto, but failed to joke on New England losing their best player. What a fucking surprise. I'd like to challenge everyone of those homerific cocksuckers to a boxing match. Fucking nerds.

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