In keeping with the (day old) tradition, I feel it's necessary to take a few unprovoked and malicious shots at the two American League teams that bowed out of the playoffs last night. I find it easier to deal with the looming winter months ahead if I ungracefully mock and curse and spit on teams that no longer have to worry about making it all the way. This is how I operate. So here we go.
Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim
Good try guys, no really, I'm serious, way to give it your all. No, I'm not being sarcastic, I find it humbling that each year you dominate the regular season, swooning under the salivating praise from every fat asshole writer with his finger jammed into the keyboard of a douchey Mac, and then shit your California tanned pants when you see the Red Sox on the other side of the field. Yes, yes, I agree, Mike Soscia is the best manager in baseball, unmatched on all fronts, and definitely not overrated because he manages in LA where nobody gives a fucking shit. Thanks for being the high school slut to Boston's drunk high school quarterback getting back at his prude girlfriend each year. Assholes.
Chicago White Sox
There's not much to really say about this team, because they had no business being here in the first place. If they played in a division that wasn't filled with teams as consistent as Wall Street, the White Sox would have never got through. But the one thing I'm certain of is, thank sweet lovable Jesus Christ, our lord and savior, that Ozzie Guillen will not be in any more major headlines during the playoffs. I hate this man. He joins the ranks of Rodney Harrison, Joey Porter, Curt Schilling - to name a few - as people I wouldn't piss on if they were burning head-to-toe and I was polishing off my 12th Coors Light without breaking the seal. Gullien is a fucking loser. There aren't enough words in the English language - or Spanish for that matter - to describe how much I would pay to see Guillen forced into a death-match with a slighted Frank Thomas.
*Hint - the amount would be close to triple digits!