Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Clash of the Titans


We're just a few hours from Game 1 of the 2008 World Series, and boy could I care less! My job is done. You may ask what job that is, and as I slowly tussle your hair, I'll explain to you that my job was making sure those cocksucking, motherfucking piece-of-shit New England garbage cans did not make it into the World Series. And they didn't. So I can relax until Day 1 of free agency.

But what kind of blogger would I be if I didn't offer my extensive take on the matchup at hand? What kind of blogger would I be if I didn't post a shitload of stats to back up my asinine predictions? What kind of blogger would I be if I didn't break down each game's pitching matchup, wind projection, crowd attendance, and toilet flush trajectory?

What kind of blogger would I be?

A good one, that's what kind. But that's not me, so here's my take, anyway.


MANAGER

Charlie Manuel was born in West Virginia. Have you ever been to West Virginia? Well, I have. It’s one of the top ten scariest places on Earth. It's a dumpster filled with people missing an unhealthy amount of teeth, shacks that look like they entertained dozens of male-rape fiestas, and women that look like walking corpses, but not in the sexy Hollywood way, in the un-sexy Meth addiction way. Bottom line - not a fun place to hang out in. But it does have West Virginia University, which is the most lawless place known to man, outside of a spilled dildo truck in the West Village.

Maddon has horn-rimmed glasses, looks like a nerd, and seems like he would be a polite dinner guest that may even provide a sweet bottle of expensive hooch.

EDGE: Phillies


INFIELD

Philly has the big-names – Jimmy Rollins, Chase Utley, and Ryan Howard. But they also have Pedro Feliz, who has ties to the San Francisco Giants, who used to employ the man on the WMHG banner, who did enough steroids to paralyze even the likes of Rodney Harrison, so obviously Feliz uses too. And their catcher is Carlos Ruiz, who’s actually 57 years-old and from the future (false).

The Rays have an ethnically diverse infield - Dominican sensation Carlos Pena at 1B, Japanese import Akinori Imamura at 2B, half-Fillipino Jason Barlett at SS, and cornbread white-boy Evan Longoria at 3B. Rounding out the infield – and I mean rounding out the infield (wucka-wucka!) is apparent All-Star and Venezuelan, Dioner Navarro. What does ethinicity have to do with infield defense? Nothing. I'm just trying to be topical.

EDGE: Phillies


OUTFIELD

The trio of Jayson Werth, Shane Victorino and Pat Burrell, pretty much sums up the entire consistency of the Phillies roster – a role player who can step it up, a cast-off who turns into a post-season hero, and a slugger who, despite consistent numbers, is verbally scorned by the retarded fans inside Citizens Bank Park. But none of these guys is a spectacular athlete - they're just plain and bland, like Jeter without the high-top fade.

On the other hand, the Rays have more talent stalking two of their outfield positions than the Phillies do across all three, in Carl Crawford and B.J. Upton. There’s really no need to mention rightfielder, Gabe Gross, because realistically, the Rays could put a large Fern out there with a glove taped to its branches and the results would be pretty much the same.

EDGE: Rays


STARTING ROTATION

Jaime Moyer is old as fuck. He was born in the same year as Daryl Strawberry, Ivan Calderon, Sid Fernandez, and Roger Clemens. Strawberry’s been to jail like 17 times. Calderon got shot in the head 5-7 times (don’t know how that’s debatable), Fernandez has eaten more food than all of your mom’s first cousin’s combined, and Clemens have pretty much kept a low profile, except for the occasional congressional hearing and statutory rape case. And what does all of this tell us about Moyer? He’s cursed, that’s what. But Cole Hamels is pretty good, and if Brett Myers can wean himself off wife-beating for a week or so and Joe Blanton can stop eating the entire deli tray in the clubhouse after games, they could have a formidable 1 through 4.

Andy Sonnanstine is not a good pitcher. Although his numbers may state otherwise, and his performance most certainly will prove me wrong, he’s still not a good pitcher. He could throw seven straight perfect games and I will still meticulously point out his mechanical flaws, so-so stuff, and stupid beard. But the Rays have James Shields, ALCS MVP Matt Garza, and southpaw/Clay Aiken doppelganger, Scott Kazmir.

EDGE: Rays


BULLPEN

Before I go any further, I would just like to say how all of these guys, and I mean ALL of these guys, are overachievers (excluding David Price). Yes, that includes Brad Lidge, who even pre-Pujols fail, never performed on the same level as he did this season. That’s why I don’t think there’s a necessary need to size-up both sides individually, because they’re almost identical – giant/lefty Grant Balfour cancels out giant/lefty J.A. Happ, failed starter Ryan Madsen cancels out failed starter J.P. Howell, retread weirdo Chad Bradford cancels out retread weirdo J.C. Romero...And this is where we take into account the X-Factors – Lidge and David Price. Lidge has the obvious pedigree and experience, even though Price is destined for stardom, but I have to give Philadelphia the nod.

Don’t even try to bring Dan Wheeler into the occasion, because he’s Joe Borowski with a beard.

EDGE: Phillies


BENCH

Let me just tell you that I fucking loathe Jonny Gomes. Hate doesn’t even cut it as a description, I spit on hate as an adjective when I think of this guy. He sucks at hitting. He sucks at fielding He’s fat. He can’t fight. He looks like asshole. His name is stupid – are you Spanish, or white – what the fuck are you? But somehow, he takes up a spot on the Rays thin-bench. Why? I can’t say for sure, but my best guess is he has scandalous photos of Rays GM Andrew Friedman wildly celebrating Easter instead of Passover last March. The Rays also have the good-guy veteran with several illegitimate children, Cliff Floyd, a juiced up Willy Aybar, and nobodies Fernando Perez and Ben Zobrist.

What do Eric Brunlett, So Taguchi, Greg Dobbs, Geoff Jenkins, and Chris Coste have in common? Give up? They are all worthless failures. Am I being a bit harsh? Yes, but c’mon, these guys sound like fucking lawyers, not pinch-hitters or defenisve replacements.

EDGE: Rays


SUMMARY

I truly believe this series will be tight. Tighter than you at a work party filled with free-flowing booze and easy secretaries itching to get back at their cheating boyfriends. Tighter than Joba Chamberlain being harassed in a Lincoln, NE strip club, several vodkas deep. Tighter than Pac Man Jones at a John McCain rally. Tighter than Joey Porter at an adult spelling bee…

You get the picture, it will be an uncomfortable, long, and hard fought battle, pitting two solid teams with similar makeup against one-another.

My pick? I got the Rays winning the Big One, only because I never, ever thought I would be saying this in my lifetime. And to be honest, deep down I kind of wish Philadelphia was scheduled to be paved over to make room for a large commuter parking lot with nice views of the Atlantic Ocean. But more the former reason, definitely.

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