Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Home is Where the Douchebages Are

Right now, I'm livid. Not jealous - L-I-V-I-D, livid. I can't fucking stand ESPN anymore. I can honestly say that right now, right this second, I actually like the Red Sox more than the fucking Third Reich writers on staff at ESPN.com.

For reference, here are a few other things that I like more than ESPN at the moment:

- Orlando Bloom
- Rosie O'Donnell's giving advice even though she's 400 lbs.
- Reality TV and the shallow retard personalities
- People who eat McDonald's french fries on the subway at 7am
- James Patterson novels
- Tom Brady
- Girls who quote Sex and the City

The reason for this outrage is ESPN, time and time again, feels the need to show its undying need for Red Sox cock, in and around the mouth. Seriously, the whole staff would love to bend over and take it up the ass from anyone remotely associated with the franchise. Even the fucking clubhouse attendant would get a piece. They show unbiased homerism and refuse to report the real stories - like the fucking Rays, who have never not sucked. And you can take that double-negative and choke on it for all I care. No joke, I want to throw-up.

Before I do, please study the image above, and read my breakdown.

1. "Destiny's Darling"

(ESPN writer/Red Sox fan):

"You gotta love this team, oh my God, I can't believe we're in the ALCS against someone other than the fucking Yankees! It's miraculous that this team with a $133 million payroll is actually competing, unlike the Yankees who buy their teams, our Sox are all blue-collar hard-working leaders. This year is their destiny, no doubt about it. It's not like they're the defending world champs or anything. No, they're the underdogs, not the Rays. Fuck the fact that Tampa Bay has never won more than 70 games in a season up until now, the Sox are the dogs baby! How can they not be? They're the lovable losers from Boston, and they have us, the most loyal fan-base in the world. Nobody knows how to be a fan like fans from Boston. What? We abandoned the team during the mid-to-late nineties? You must be mistaken, that was some other team padded with bandwagon fans. We've only won 2 World Series in the last four years! It's tough, I'll tell you, tough, but if anyone can do it - we can! Now let's go punch our girlfriends in the face and yell some racial slurs at that black kid on the high school basketball team."

(Me = pisses on Yaz's grave)

2. "Boston Shocks Angels"

Yes, beating a team that has been known to choke in the playoffs 3 games to 1 is extremely shocking. Again, it's not like the Sox are the defending champs or anything.

(Me = kicks Pudge Fisk in balls, runs)

3. "Crasnick: Red Sox Find a Way"

This certainly rings true - their back was really against the wall all series. I can't believe they actually won. And considering the fact that the Angels have K-Rod, the most overrated closer in the game, I just can't fucking believe they lost. Those Sox, always the underdogs, always finding a way to win!

(Me = spits in face of Freddy Lynn)

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