Thursday, October 23, 2008

Now a Word From Our Sponsor

I have to admit, I'm not super-into this year's World Series, as previously stated, but I am glad that all of the text messages I sent to my degenerate gambling friends rang true - bet on Cole Hamels over Scott Kazmir, he's been just plain dominate this post-season. And I hope they made enough money to dive right back into the pool for Game 2, and then instead of listening to me they listen to some internet jerk-off who over-analyzes the game and they end up losing their rent money AND prescription drug money.

Ah, such a special friend I am...

But while half-watching the game last night - disinterested and bloated from stuffing my fat fucking face with a gallon of ice cream - the one thing I began wondering was, why don't advertisers use the World Series platform to launch bigger and better campaigns for their products? Even though it's not even close to the revenue scale of the Super Bowl, (because in baseball, you lose all that fat women - mouths stuffed with guacamole, wearing the jersey of a player who retired in 1989 - who love to continuously yell, "Shh, shh, the commercials are on!")it still draws a significant percentage of the male 18-54 demographic. I don't want to get all "technical" here, (pushes glasses back up nose, flips through James Joyce novel) but I think certain products should spend all of their budgets on the series. For example:

- If you are the VP of Marketing for Skoal, give me one good reason why are you not dumping all of your dollars into these games? I understand you can't advertise on TV, but who said you can't pay 1,500 people to hold skoal signs up in the stands? It's not rocket science, idiots.

- Also, why don't you ever see commercials for aluminum baseball bats? Again, in Doc-Fantasy-Land, if I work for TPX, and I want to really get my new bat out there in front of over-bearing little league dads who are forcing their 9-year-old to sit in front of the TV and watch every major-leaguer pivot his front foot, I'm getting my bat on screen during every break.

- What about Muscle Milk and Creatin and all that body-building other shit? What is their marketing department doing, sitting around with their veiny thumbs up their asses? I bet they are. What's a better way to corrupt and convince a 15-year-old to experiment with untested, possibly sterilizing, but legal performance-enhancing drugs? The World Series on Fox, of course! Yay, shrunken cocks for all!

Obviously, this is mostly pipe-dreaming on my part, because my pitiful salary is probably more than the television budgets for any of these brands - and that's just sorry. But when you sit back and look at what's being put out there during games, you start to question if these cranky-old-fucks running shop for these brands are just a little retarded? Want to reach middle-aged women? Don't use the World Series - women couldn't fucking care less about baseball. There are no tight pants and no quirky commercials and no over-the-hill movie stars doing douchey sell-out dances for Pepsi. Start reading Variety or something, you fucking morons, or turn over your office keys to this guy.

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