Monday, October 6, 2008

This is the End My Fat Midwestern Friends

After six months of gut-wrenching heroics and a week of shitting the bed, two more teams have officially joined the rest of baseball in an off-season filled with reflection, recovery, and hopefully, some wild steroid accusations. I'm sure all the players on the Brewers/Cubs are really feeling down, now that they've returned to their McMansions and hot-as-fuck wives. So, at least you bruised and battered about the heart fans know you're not riding the train to Loserville alone.

The Chicago Cubs

Much ballyhoo surrounded these lovable losers because they ended the 2008 regular season with the best record in the National League. What the Cubs - and fans of the Cubs - failed to realize is that all those games that were won - all of those games that you got so hammered at because Carlos Zambrano pitched a gem and you ended up shitting your pants in an alley behind *insert local shithole here* - none of that carries over into October. Sure, you pounded on the NL Central with ease, but when crunch time came around, you relapsed into your old ways quicker than Robert Downey Jr. using the wrong mouth wash. And we all know what happened next - in both the Cubs and Downey Jr's case.


The Milwaukee Brewers


Without C.C. Sabathia, this team is mediocre. With him in October, this team is mediocre-plus. I'm ashamed to admit that I really wanted the Mets to make it in over the Brew-crew, and this is coming from the guy who wants to see the Mets' charter carrying Jose Reyes, Carlos Beltran's ear mole and Billy Wagner disappear over the Rocky Mountains. So, why did I want the Mets to make it in over Milwaukee? Because Milwaukee is not competitive - they batted a putrid .207 combined - and at least the Mets have some sick players worth my time. Obviously I'm talking about Johan, because watching Johan pitch highlight reel gems each time he takes the mound really makes me feel great. It does, really. It makes me feel so great that I want to smash my head in between my bathroom door and the jam. It makes me want to hunt the Yankee scout who told the front office, "you know this Kennedy kid, he's got some talent..."

Where was I going? I have no clue. Good riddance to both these teams.

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