Wednesday, October 15, 2008

You Don't Mess with Texas

There are some things in life you just shouldn't do. For instance, never drink water in Mexico. Seriously, don't do it. I always thought it was an urban legend. Well, it's not, and here's proof. In college, a bunch of my friends and I went to Acapulco for Spring Break. I stayed in a place that had modern plumbing and a lobby, others stayed in a beat-up dump with no pipe filters to strain the parasites out of the drainage water that they pumped in to the hotel and passed of as hygienic. A lot of them were girls. Through a constant fog brought on by tequila and warm, pissy Dos Equis, I specifically remember overhearing conversations about "ramped diarrhea". I wish I was kidding. I'm not.

Another thing you should never do is walk across Broadway in Manhattan before you're given the go ahead. I saw some asshole a few months ago - fancy suit, brain melting blackberry in hand - venture out and get whacked by a taxi. It was horrifying and gratifying at the same time. I felt vindicated because not only did this douche learn a painful lesson, but also his suit got dirty! And his shoes flew off, which I believe is a whole phenomenon on its own.

So, what do these two stories have in common? Well, nothing, really, they're just two things you should never do, under any circumstances. And I'd like to relay the message to Rick Peterson, who is a likely candidate to become the Texas Rangers' new pitching coach. It sounds weird - pitching coach, Texas Rangers - I always assumed they had a garbage can decorated with a uniform and a hand-drawn smiley face.

I guess if you have the itch, you'll take work anywhere. And when/if Rick takes the job and walks into the clubhouse to find out his future rotation is basically a pile of dirty diapers that can throw mediocre cutters, then he will then be wishing he listened to my advice. Because he will have already gone to Mexico, and he will have already drank the water and got hit by a speeding taxi.



AK-47 said...

Had not heard about this, very interesting. I'm sure he'll get the job. I will say this, he did turn our staff around, however the word has gotten out that he's butted heads with as many pitchers as he's helped. Case in point, Mike Pelfrey. Peterson here and Pelfrey is Nate Roberson. Peterson is gone, and Pelfrey turns into Johan Santana (also a Met, by the way). In Oliver Perez's case, he did turn him around, but he was terribly inconsistant. Peterson leaves, and new pitching coach Dan Warthen turns him into a consistant winner down the stretch. My hat's off to the Mulletted one, but he's by no means the second comming.

Dan said...

The Jacket strikes again.

Mark my words:

April 9, 2009: Arlington, Texas - Newly installed pitching coach/psychologist/jacket wearing man, Rick Peterson, and object of my eye/heart throb/addict, Josh Hamilton, have been suspended indefinitely by Major League Baseball. The two nefarious gentlemen were found cavorting in the back of the team plane, discussing Hinduism, smoking Opium and it is rumored that Hamilton was tattooing the Greek word for Mullet on the Peterson's inner thigh.

This is what happens when you put together a drug addict and someone who HAS to be smoking something in order to conjure up some of his thoughts and teachings.