Monday, October 20, 2008

Your 2008 American League Champions


Yesterday was a rough one for this guy. I chased a hangover all day, didn't eat an ounce of food until 4:30, and watched the pitiful Jets bend over and grab their ankles for the Pop Warner Raiders - who by the way have the fakest fucking fan-base on the face of the earth. The Black Hole? Ohhhh, a bunch of middle-aged, poorly educated douche's screaming and wearing Darth Vader masks. Sounds more like virgin-filled Comicon than an intimidating place to play football. Oakland is for the birds. But I can't really shit on them the way I want to, because the Jets lost, and that's just plain sad.

So like I said, the day did not start off in a positive light.

But things changed the minute Tampa Bay took the lead in the 5th inning last night and didn't look back. Can I say I had faith in them? Nope, because every pitch that crossed the plate was potentially the continuation of Red Sox Nation (rhyme) douchebagery. Luckily the squeaked out a victory and orchestrated one of the gayest celebrations ever seen outside of the Halloween parade in the West Village. There were Ray-Hawks aplenty, a ton of screen-time for fatso Jonny Gomes acting as if he had something to do with the ALCS title, and a very awkward interview with B.J. Upton who looked more like he just found out he has triplets living in a raised-ranch in Pasadena than he did an ALCS hero. But all in all, it was a nice, and it sets up a pretty evenly matched World Series, which makes for better TV than any of the horseshit I've been subjected to recently, ie: nothing.

Now, like many of you, I'm faced with the moral predicament of which team to root for - the team that trumped the Yankees - but also the Sox, or the team representing the N.L.? I've heard people say they root for their league's champion, which I find ridiculous. Why would you root for the team that just ass-blasted your team out of the playoffs and/or hunt for the playoffs? Shouldn't you be pining for them to lose? In most cases, this is how I feel, but this year it's different. And no, it has absolutely nothing with what the media is predictably calling a "Cinderella Story" in the Tampa Bay Rays, which is as original as shitting your pants and blaming it on the dog.

What, you never did this before?

(awkward silence)

Moving on then...The decision for me is pretty simple, really, because I just can't bring myself to really root for the Phillies and fall asleep at night (or at the bar in the 5th inning after my 32nd silver bullet). You see, I went to college with a dozen or so Philadelphians, and all I can say is may God have mercy on their souls - or lack thereof. They're evil and vindictive and stubborn and black-hearted - and that's just the tip of the iceberg. So I'm stuck with the Rays, and their awful stadium and their awful fans and their stupid haircuts...

But fuck it, I can't really
complain, because it's a relief to know that Kevin Youkilis is probably sitting in a tub full of tzatziki sauce right now, crying his eyes out like the fat little bitch that he is.

Ah, the karma. No, it's not karma? Well whatever it is, it's better than my other sport options.

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