Thursday, October 16, 2008

Your 2008 National League Champions

On the heels of one of the most uneventful Division Series in the history of modern baseball, The Phillies decided to continue to bore through the Championship round, handling the Dodgers with the ease and grace of a helpful geriatric nurse, capturing the N.L. Pennant in the process.

All you lurching, drunk fans of the fighting Phils can thank Shane Victorino - a cocksucker in his own right, not because he is a bad person or dirty player - no, because I drafted him this year in one fantasy league and then dropped him because he went 0-200, then watched with bleeding eyes as he resurfaced and stole 143 bases. So fuck him.

And you guys can also thank Cole Hamels, the best lefty in the National League not named Johan Santana or C.C. Sabathia, and without question, the hunkiest.

(awkward silence)

Anyway...Congratulations, guys! You may now continue on to the World Series where you will collapse historically - Brett Myers and Joe Blanton have it written all over their wife-beating, plump/obese bodies - which in turn will send a few thousand Philadelphians whining and crying all the way back to their fucking row homes, hopefully to sulk in a warm tub and with each shot of whisky, they creep a toaster closer to the edge.



AK-47 said...

On a related Cole Hamels note...did anyone else see that 'in the stands' interview with Cole's brother, Tractor? (not his real name) The hell with his bro, but did you see the girl sitting next to him??? Must have been his or Cole's girlfriend/wife. Vaa vaa vaa voooom!

Dan said...

How did you watch that nonsense (hot girl or not) without your head exploding? I turned on the game and instantly started vomiting uncontrollably.

On a side note, the word I have to type in below this to post the comment currently reads: xgooks. Which is nice.

Doc Holliday said...


I'm dying over here - Xgooks. It sounds like a racist faction of the X-Men.