Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Baseball Trivia Thanksgiving Eve Blowout in Your F*cking Face!


Unlike most Americans, who are probably starting to binge drink as I write this, I'm stuck at fucking work, with actual fucking work to do. It's quiet here, because all the sales people were smart enough to not show up since the boss is out. All, except this asshole. And I'm wearing my normal attire. Everyone else looks like they're going to their fucking kid's dance recital or a dinner at their inlaw's house. Fuck me.

And to make matters worse, there isn't a goddamn thing happening in baseball. Not a fucking significant whisper to obsess over (Teixera back on the Yankees radar?), not a rumor that actually sounds more exciting than depressing (Sabathia to the Angels?) and not one overblown story about some injury to some superstar (Utley now could be ready by opening day?).

So, here's some trivia. Who doesn't like trivia to waste time over? I have a Yankees trivia calendar and I'm pretty sure it was written by some 87 year-old asshole who just wont die, because the questions are tougher to solve than Cameron Diaz's sex appeal. But mine aren't so bad. So, either do them, or don't do them, but if you're drinking already, do an extra shot for me, and hopefully that's the one that helps you achieve your first DWI.

Happy Thanksgiving Eve, fuckers.

QUESTIONS
*highlight space underneath questions for answers

1. Who was the last pitcher to win 20 games for the New York Mets?
Answer: Frank Viola, 1990, 20-12

2. Jimmy Rollins hit .296 in 2007 and captured the NL MVP – Who was the last player to hit under .300 and win the same award?
Answer: Kevin Mitchell, 1989, .291

3. True or False - Derek Jeter has had sex with someone closely related to you?
Answer: True, your cousin Allison on your Mom’s side, she’s such a slut when she drinks and does coke.

4. Who is the last pitcher to win more than 26 games in a regular season?
Answer: Bob Welch, 1990, 27-6

5. How many 20 game winners did the Yankees have during their runt to 4 World Series?
Answer: Two - Andy Pettite, 1996, 21-8 - David Cone, 1998, 20-7

6. Bartolo Colon deserved the Cy Young in 2006 about as much as I deserve a raise, considering all the negative energy I bring to the workplace?
Answer: False, I have better overall numbers than that fat piece-of-shit

7. True or False: Mark Redman represented the Kansas City Royals at the 2006 All-Star game, despite being 6-4 with a 5.27 at the break?
Answer: Depressingly enough, it's true

8. Which active player has played for the most teams?
Answer: Ron Villone, 11 teams: Seattle, San Diego, Milwaukee, Cleveland, Cincinnati, Colorado, Pittsburgh, Houston, Florida, New York Yankees, St. Louis

9. Five teams have never had a Cy Young Award Winner – which franchises are they?
*hint, 3 NL, 2 AL
Answer: COL, CIN, FLA, TB, TEX

10. Since 1990, only four starting pitchers have finished with sub-2 ERA’s – who are they?
Answer: Greg Maddux – 1994, 1995, Kevin Brown – 1996, Pedro Martinez – 1997, 2000, Roger Clemens – 1990, 2005

11. Cal Ripken is overrated?
Answer: True

12. There are three former ROY winners from the past 10 seasons who are no longer playing in the major leagues – who are they?
Answer: 1998 A.L. - Ben Grieve, 1999 N.L. - Scott Williamson, 2000 A.L. - Kazuhiro Sasaki

13. Nicknames
a) N.L. pitcher's nickname is "Zombie"?
b) Washed up 1st baseman's nickname is "Eye Chart"?
c) Fat closer's nickname is "Papa Grande"?
d) Speedy Outfielder's nickname is "The Perfect Storm"?
e) Comeback-track pitcher's nickname is "The Chief"
Answers: a) Aaron Harang, b) Doug Mientkiewicz , c) Jose Valverde, d) Carl Crawford, e) Freddy Garcia

14. True or False – My friend is convinced Lance Berkman is a Jew, even though he wears a cross around his neck?
Answer: True

15. Which mildly retarded TV broadcaster once won back-to-back National League MVP’s?
Answer: Joe Morgan, 1975, 1976

Monday, November 24, 2008

The Blockbusters - Part I



*This will be a chaptered post for several reasons. First, I do not have all of my collected research put together and/or sorted. Second, when I say, "collected research", I mean "random words and pictures of boobies jotted down on bills from the eye doctor". Third, there isn't shit to talk about right now in baseball, and who the fuck really cares if Jason Varitek signs a one-year deal to suck some more?

But I do plan on doing a handful of these. Hence, Part 1. And just for reference, these will not be ranked, so don't get all fucking pissy if you feel I've slighted your opinion on the matter in any way (even though I probably did it on purpose, you asshole).

It's 1991. You are still wearing jams and zuba pants to social functions. The Yankees are in the toilet, coming off a 95 loss season. The Mets are getting ready to jump into the same toilet. 1st round draft pick for the New York Jets Blair Thomas is setting the NFL world ablaze with what will amount to 620 rushing yards. And north of the border, a historic trade is about to transpire. The Toronto Blue Jays are about to move two of their best young players for another two current superstars playing for the San Diego Padres. straight up.

On December 5th, Toronto trades Fred McGriff and Tony Fernandez to San Diego for Joe Carter and Roberto Alomar.


Trade Significance

Unlike today's trade market where soon-to-be free agents are pawned off for a ransom of young prospects and players-to-be-named-later, this deal involved four players who were all in their respective primes. Here's a quick look at what all four had already accomplished prior to the trade:

- McGriff, 26, had already hit 125 home runs for Toronto in his first 4 full seasons
- Fernandez, 28, was a 4 time Gold Glover and 3 time All-Star
- Alomar, 22, was coming off his 1st of 11 All Star Game appearances
- Joe Carter, 30, had already hit 175 home runs for the Indians and Padres


Trade Outcome

McGriff played two-and-a-half seasons for San Diego, hit 103 home runs, and added 1 All Star appearance and 1 Silver Slugger Award to his resume. He then proceeded to play for 487 different teams and a handful of wood-bat leagues in Sarasota, FL during his summer. He should end up in the Hall of Fame next year, but knowing how HOF ballot holders vote, he will probably be elected when he's dead and it means nothing to his lonely, rotting corpse.

Fernandez played two seasons for San Diego, making 1 All Star appearance. He ultimately made a name for himself as being the last shortstop to start for the Yankees before Derek "King of All Star-fuckers" Jeter took over. Needless too say, Fernandez never saw Jessica Biehl naked.

Joe Carter won two World Series rings with the Jays. If you don't know what else Carter is famous for, and you are over the age of 20, then please walk into oncoming traffic.

I hate Robbie Alomar, simply because some (most) days I too want to spit in people's faces that oppose my stance on objective situations. But I don't, and I make about $5MM less than him, annually.


Summary

The clear winner here is Toronto, who parlayed the trade into two World Series Championships and all the gloating and glory non-caring Canucks could handle.

San Diego never made it to the playoffs while Fernandez and McGriff were on the roster, but did manage to net Wally Whitehurst, D.J. Dozier, Vince Moore, Donnie Elliot, and Melvin Nieves, in trades with the Mets and the Braves, respectively.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

The End is Near?


There is a chance, albeit a slight one, that the New York Yankees fail to sign any of the three free agent pitchers they targeted this offseason. That means come April, no C.C., no A.J. and no Derek Lowe filling out the thin rotation. And even though I could do without the bullshit, hokey headlines the New York Post will make out of all the acronyms, I would never wish these guys to another team. But it’s possible, and it’s been mentioned by more than one reporter, and barring the chance that all of these reporters are in cahoots to ruin the Yankees, their fan-base, and everything that’s right about capitalism, greed, title domination and overall good, clean baseball, the story was not fabricated out of thin fucking air.

It’s called a Doomsday Scenario. It’s when everything that can possibly go wrong, does. Imagine a world where chaos reigns, a police state is the norm, Jews and Muslims play dominoes together in the park, gay republicans from Arkansas hold hands openly in the street, liberals admonish the hand-holding instead of praising it, America has a black woman president and the Yankees no longer lure pricey free agents to the Bronx with promises of rings, hookers, and fat know-it-alls from Riverdale screaming at them for fucking up their fantasy team.

I know, I know, it’s too much to digest on a Sunday night, but this is what we’re looking at if Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum fail to entice any one of the big three into wearing pinstripes.

So let’s say this happens, and the Yankees are left with only Chein-Ming Wang and Joba Chamberlain to anchor the rotation – what happens then? First, I go out and eat a lot, and drink a lot, and probably piss on the 2 train platform, because the night will be long and the remorseful feeling will be too much. But then, the Yankees will be forced to go with Plan B. What is Plan B? Who knows for sure, but here’s a four-step proposal that will keep the Yankees relevant.

1. Sign Jon Garland
He may not be the savior the Yankees are looking for, but he eats innings like you eat Doritos after smoking that bullshit weed you buy off that Jamaican in Washington Square Park.

2. Sign Brad Penny
He ate his fat-ass out of Los Angeles, and is now looking for redemption. A fired-up fatso on the rebound is something you want to be a part of. But if he fails, get rid of him. Fast. Fuck it, even if you have to eat (no pun) $30 million, do it. Trade him for Julian Taverez or a AA prospect pushing 40, just make sure you cut ties. As good as it is to have a motivated fat boy, it’s ten-times worse to have a depressed one.

3. Re-sign Andy Pettite
The rotation needs a left-handed arm. Pettite was 13-9 before hurting his shoulder and sliding to 14-14 at season’s end. I’ll take it.

4. Let Phil Hughes Marinate
Yes, he didn’t exactly dominate last season, but let’s not forget, Hughes is only 22 years-old. He has good stuff. Scouts still like his make-up. They don’t say these things for shits and giggles. It’s real, I swear - Hughes is going to be good. Not just good, but great! Amazing! An Ace! A fucking Hall of Famer!

(thinks about Johan Santana in pinstripes, drops toaster into luke-warm bathtub)

Now, I doubt this is going to happen – I doubt the Yankees are going to have to worry about losing out on all three pitchers. But the alternative (if it’s even plausible) isn’t exactly the end of the world. Contrary to what all the fat fucking idiots who know dick about baseball will be crowing, the Yankees will not be finished before the season even begins. They’ll never trot out a team that’s under prepared and way too green to compete.
What’s that? The Yankees did exactly what I just said they would never do this past season? You must be mistaken, sir, because this past season never happened!

(blinds you with reflection from Ian Kennedy’s gigantic teeth)

(dives into cover of bushes)

(cries)


*NFL NOTE

Yes, I am fully aware the Jets knocked off the undefeated Titans today. In fact, I let everyone know about it via obscenity laced text-messages - like a real man does it! But also, I've avoided discussing the team because they've been on a role, and history tends to suggest that I, in no way, can EVER bring luck to my team, so I'm going to shut the fuck and smile, and nod, and hope to Brett Favre's god I didn't upset him.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Free Agent Profile: Kevin Millar


Name: Kevin Charles Millar
DOB: 9/24/71
Still Puts Highlights in His Hair: True
Learned Hair-Dying Technique From Mike Piazza: Assumed
I Would Rather Drink Bleach Then Have Him Play for the Yankees: Abso-fucking-lutely

Breakdown

There aren't many baseball players out there that I hate more than Kevin Millar. There's just something about him that makes me want to hit a vagabond over the head with a folding chair every time I hear his name. Maybe it's his dyed blond/bald/long hair - which he uses to get attention - or his stupid unfunny catch-phrases that entertain fans who have the same sense of humor as a dead cat. His expressions "Cowboy Up" and "Idiots" were the monikers for the 2003 and 2004 Red Sox, and I'm sure there are a ton of inbreds from Boston who have these exact terms tattooed relatively close to their tribal bands and/or their tramp-stamps. Hopefully they were applied with infected needles (unfortunately, you can't always get what you want, or what's right for society). Or maybe it's the way the press and television announcers like to tag him as a "comedian" or a "character" or a "clubhouse guy". All of these things make me violently ill, and leave me wondering how such brain-damaged individuals can hold such high-paying jobs. If being unfunny and a drunk makes you a good clubhouse guy, then sign me up!

Millar was also a replacement player after the 1994 strike season, which shows you that he's a backstabbing rube who will fuck your wife for a free ticket to the circus (have no idea what this means). The only plus that came out of this situation is he's banned from the Major League Players Association for life, forcing him and his family to use Cobra or some other shitty independent health care provider. That's what you get for messing with the man, motherfucker.

And let's not forget Millar threw out the first pitch in last season's (2007) ALCS Game 7 in Fenway Park, even though he was a member of the Baltimore Orioles. If I was - and thank the sweet Lord I'm not - a fan of Peter Angelos' fuckshow team, I would have pulled someone's card, and channeled the shit-your-pants terror portrayed in West Baltimore's "The Wire" to make sure Millar never made it out of BWI airport when he returned.

Prognosis

More likely than not, Millar will get a 1 or 2 year contract from some shit team looking to inject some life into their meager existence. Only when Millar starts clapping like the annoying kid on your Little League team who would rather take grounders at shortstop than try and make out with a girl will the General Manager who signed him realize he made a mind-numbing and potentially career-crippling mistake. Think Seattle, or even better, Texas, so I can make fun of Jon Daniels some more for being an inept, poor excuse for a human being.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Mussina Calls it Quits - Nieve Yankees Fans Recoil with Sadness


New poll is up on the sidebar - does Mike Mussina belong in the Hall of Fame, or does he deserve to ride the pine with Jack Morris?

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Workplace Ageism - A Good Idea for These 5 Pitchers


In the midst of baseball's free agent hoopla, people tend to forget about the gritty, aging veterans. The guys who have fought in the trenches, ground out victories in situations nobody thought possible, and performed heroic feats that go into the record books as epicical myths people will soon listen to with awe and wonder.

Unfortunately, in reality, either some of these guys have garnered contracts that are way above market value, or are free agents looking for one last stop before retirement. Now, don't get me wrong, I can be sentimental, but for the most part, a man isn't going to retire from his profession unless he's been killed, won the lottery, or forced out by a younger, better version of himself.

Here are 5 pitchers who need that little pat on their old, arthritic backs, just to get them moving along, making sure they sign their quit papers on the way out the clubhouse door.

1. Steve Trachsel
2008 Stats: 2-5, 8.39 ERA
Aren't you ashamed of yourself? I know I am. I'm ashamed of you for trying to prolong a dead career, and I'm even more ashamed of that ass-fuck Andy MacPhail in Baltimore for entertaining the idea that you could still pitch.

2. Tom Glavine
You won 300 games - remind me again, why are you still around? I thought that after you rolled over that statistical crest, you would disappear for good? But, no, you still loom. Not stand - loom. Is it because you want to avoid your family? Still can't relate to your wife, who you feel like you barely know? Feel like someone else raised your kids? Let me assure you, those feelings couldn't be more correct. Great observation!

3. Brett Tomko
The fact that I'm EVEN LISTING YOU here is ridiculous. If there aren't enough signs out there encouraging you to walk off into the sunset - here are a few more:
- You played poorly for Kansas City last season - which is like having your sexual prowess criticized by a hooker
- You were signed by San Diego and used as a long-reliever for a team with awful starting pitching
- You were marginal in your prime

4. Pedro Martinez
Don't give me this shit that you can "help some team down the stretch". You know why I'm not buying that? Because you've been unable to "help a team down the stretch" since 2004. Your once devastating fastball tops out at 89. You off-speed pitching hits 83. Not much of a difference there, Pete, it may be time to hang it up and wait for the call from Cooperstown.

5. Mark Mulder
Stop getting fantasy owners hopes up because you had a good season 3 years ago, but didn't forward on the memo that your arm was expired. Quit before that thing falls off while you're handling a newborn.

Free Agent Profile: Jason Giambi


Name: Jason Gilbert Giambi
DOB: 1/8/71
Is Weird that All These Guys Have Awful Middle-Names: True
Hair: Fresh out of the shower wet
Alcohol Preference: 151 proof anything
BAC Preference: .19
BAC Preference of Lady-Friend: .29

Breakdown

Jason Giambi has had a tumultuous decade. He signed - at the time - one of the most lucrative sports contracts in history, under the assumption he would join the Yankees, win a handful of rings, and turn-out every bleach-blond from the Upper East Side to Seaside Heights. Well, only the latter part came true. He only played in one series, falling to the Marlins in 2003.

Last season, he proved he could still slug, hitting 32 home runs and driving in 96 in only 145 games. He also sported the greasiest, sweatiest mustache since Wade Boggs was manning 3B and slamming back 34 Miller Lite's on cross-country flights. There is also this other thing he is really good at - it's called OBP, apparently GMs still don't believe this specific stat warrants any weight - maybe they think it's fucking black magic or something. Or maybe, just maybe, they're all fucking idiots.

Prognosis


Giambi could be an upgrade for many teams - namely Toronto, who's best power-hitter last season was 62-year-old Matt Stairs. Giambi could also be headed back to Oakland, where he would be paired with Coors Field-less Matt Holliday, instantly placing Oakland back in contention, to the delight of Billy Beane and chagrin of every single doubt-sodden writer who loves seeing small market teams fail miserably. A move to California would mark his return to fucking Cali girls again, instead of those needy Murray Hill girls who have too many Red Bull and vodkas, cry at the club, yell in the cab, cry after sex, and then make him go to breakfast with her and her fat lonely friend in the morning.

Yeah, those Cali girls sure are stupid...But at least they're fun.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

MVP?

Nice shirt, asshole...

Monday, November 17, 2008

Buyer Beware


No team goes into the free agent signing period looking to fail. Nobody wants to hoard all the lemons, the has-beens, the worthless, the destined-for-failure...but somehow, the Yankees have been doing so over the past 4 off-seasons. Yes, there have been 1 or 2 bright spots - Damon and Pettite - but overall, they absolutely fail at handing money to competent players.

Now that the Yankees have offered C.C. Sabathia the biggest contract for a pitcher in baseball history AND are preparing to go after several other high-priced names, you have to wonder if this is the correct way to right a sinking ship.

Here's a breakdown of who the Yankees signed, season to season:


2008

RP LaTroy Hawkins, 1 Year $3.75 Million
1-1, 41 IP, 5.71 ERA
Designated for assignment July 26, then traded

3B Morgan Ensberg, 1 Year $1.75 Million
28 G, .203, 1 HR, 4 RBI
Released June 8th

OF Jason Lane, 1 Year NA
97 G, .236, 16 HR, 51 RBI
Too bad the above numbers are for AAA Scranton and he was released outright in August.

1B Richie Sexson, 1 Year $390,000
22 G, .250, 1 HR, 6 RBI
A mid-season fill-in for an injury plagued team, Sexson did nothing, and was released after three weeks of service.

2007

SP Andy Pettite, 1 Year $16 Million
15-9, 215 IP, 4.05 ERA
Solid #2 behind 19-game-winning Wang

1B Doug Mientkiewicz, 1 Year $1.5 Million
72 G, .271, 5 HR, 24 RBI
Missed 3 months with injury

SP Kei Igawa, 5 Years $20 Million
2-3, 67 IP, 6.25 ERA
Another masterful Cashman move - currently feeling right at home in Japanese-friendly Scranton Pennsylvania.

SP Roger Clemens, 1 Year $28 Million
6-6, 99 IP, 4.18 ERA
Just listing his numbers and salary makes me want to do a header out the window. An absolute fucking joke. And the memory of Suzy Waldman having an orgasm, live on-air, will haunt me forever.

2006

OF Johnny Damon, 4 Years $52 Million
149 G, .285, 24 HR, 80 RBI, 25 SB
One of two bright spots. Unfortunately, his body is ready to shutdown, and his arm has regressed from bad to pitiful.

2005

SP Carl Pavano, 4 Years $39.95 Million
4-6, 100 IP, 4.77 ERA
This was Pavano's best season with the team, and the most innings he would ever pitch in pinstripes.

SP Jaret Wright, 3 Years, $21 Million
5-5, 63 IP, 6.08 ERA
Another worthless pile-of-shit.

2B Tony Womack, 2 Years, $4 Million
108 G, .249, 0 HR, 15 RBI
Cano took over midway through the season, nobody really noticed Womack was gone.


After seeing this, you begin to wonder why the Steinbrenner faction would want to retain Cashman's services, unless it's because they've already had him killed and are using his dead rotting carcass as a front to sign these heaps-of-shit - which is quite possible.

So, everyone of you you out there who is anxiously awaiting the introduction of another Yankee signee, remember, there have been more Pavano's than Damon's, and definitely more mid-summer designation for assignment than October heroics.

Free Agent Profile: Brad Penny


Name: Bradley Wayne Penny
DOB: 5/24/78
Is Fat: True
Throws Wild Sucker-Punches at Unsuspecting Club-Goers: True
Will Still Get Paid Even Though his ERA was Greater Than 6.00: True
Is Not Fair: True
Even Less Fair than Penny's Promiscuous Sexual Encounters with Hot Actresses: False, but a close second

Breakdown

Brad Penny - part of the not-so-exclusive-club of baseball players who have given B-actress Alyssa Milano their dipstick - is searching for redemption. He started this past season as the Dodgers uncontested ace, and ended on the season on DL, missing the Dodgers run in the post season. He also failed to do what most marginal free agents do, which is capitalize on a contract year by putting up inflated numbers thus proving that the world and everyone in it revolves around and feeds off the swollen green teet of greed.

So, Penny was unable to hit pay-dirt. And why? Because he got fucking fat. Not bulked-up, not more muscular, but fat. He's a fat shit, and I'm sure that had something to do with him not living up to his 2007 season. In lieu of a pay-raise, he decided to go heavy on the Denny's breakfast, the Italian combos', the sweet pretzels from the mall that taste like they were baked by God.

And I think he fucked Elisha Dushku, which is brain-damagingly annoying, too.

Prognosis

Worst case scenario, Penny joins the Red Sox, adding to Theo Epstein's attempt at decolorizing his team. Then he starts to regain his old, non-morbidly-obese form, and start winning again, helping fortify the Sox rotation issues.

Best case scenario, Penny gets a deal from the Astros or Rangers, and succumbs to temptation and joins the overwhelming amount of fat Texans, never being seen or heard from again, only mentioned in tall-tales by drifters who swear they saw a 500 lb man outside a Carl's Jr. near the Mexican border, throwing hard empty Big Gulp sliders at the side of a trash can.

Farewell To an Arm


Always unpredictable - and not in the struggling alcoholic, borderline-psychotic way - Darrell Rasner has finally been removed from pinstripes.

The Tohoku Rakuten Golden Eagles of the Pacific League bought his rights for $1 million. How the fuck Cashman scammed the Jap's out of this much money for a below-average right-hander is beyond me, but anyone who was subjected to Rasner's penchant to give up devastating home runs last year knows he isn't worth a bag of shit, let alone seven figures of real-world money.

Here are some of his Yankee highlights:

September 3, 2006 - Rasner makes his debut for the Yankees at home against Minnesota, squeaking out a 10-1 victory, blowing batters away with 2 K's.

April 8, 2007 - Behind the imposing rotation of Carl Pavano, Andy Pettite, Mike Mussina and Kei Igawa, Rasner makes the 5th start of the season for the Yankees, going 4.1 innings and giving up 5 runs to the offensive juggernauts, the Baltimore Orioles.

May 19, 2007 - During interleague play against the New York Mets - the same team that will go on to blow a 7 game lead with less than three weeks left in the season - Rasner can't get out of the 1st inning, and is optioned to AAA Scranton before the game is over.

May 21, 2008 - Rasner improves his record to 3-0, with 1.89 ERA in 3 starts. Retarded Yankee fans everywhere crow that he is the answer to the back-end of the rotation troubles. Every realist promptly punches said idiots in the eye.

August 3, 2008 - Finishing a 18 game stretch where he goes 2-10 with a 6.18 ERA and opponents bat .317 against him, he is mercifully removed from his starting duties.

So, the Rasner era is over in New York and somewhere in the Bronx, some poor, uneducated bastard who blew $200 on an official Rasner replica jersey weeps. The rest of the Yankee Universe moves on with their daily lives, mostly forgetting the superiorly mediocre #43.

Friday, November 14, 2008

Free Agent Profile: Mike Hampton

Name: Michael William Hampton
Born: 9/9/72
Hometown: Brooksville, FL
Height: Miniature
Only NL pitcher to win an Gold Glove other than Greg Maddux in the last 30 years?: Yes
Career BA: .241 (Nasty for a pitcher. He's been the best hitting pitcher in baseball 3 out of the last 10 years)
DL History: Hilarious* (see below)
Great Athlete?: Yes
More injury prone than a hemophiliac?: Yes
Ironic?: Yes
Type of footwear he's wearing in picture above: Boat shoes

*[May 21,2005] - 15 Day Disabled list - (strained left forearm)
[Jun 5,2005] - 15 Day Disabled list - (strained left forearm)
[Jul 26,2005] - 15 Day Disabled list - (backache)
[Aug 23,2005] - 15 Day Disabled list - (back injury)
[Mar 31,2006] - 15 Day Disabled list - (Tommy John surgery)
[Apr 7,2006] - Transferred to 60 day DL.
[Mar 30,2007] - 15 Day Disabled list - (Injury unknown)
[Apr 16,2007] - Transferred to 60 day DL.

...see, I told you! A real laugh riot!

Breakdown

Remember back to the 2000 season? Mike was coming off a near Cy Young performance, garnering a 22-4 record with the Astros. He was at the top of his game. He was a workhorse. Going into that year, the Mets traded "the future" (Octavio Dotel, Roger Cedeno, plus prospect) for 1/3 of the Killer B's, Derek "I'll live in a house boat in Queens harbor and most likely be dealing drugs out of it" Bell, and Mike Hampton. Mighty Mike went on to pitch his heart out for the Metsies en route to the 2000 Subway Series, earning NLCS MVP honors along the way. Upon the completion of that season, he sold his soul to the devil/Rockies in exchange for approx $14 mil a year for 8 years, a great public school system, and apparently his muscles and ligaments being exchanged for toothpicks and bubble gum...Pre-chewed bubble gum.

Prognosis

This man has no hope and no future. The days of that clean cut go-getter you see in the above photo are loooooooooong gone. I can't imagine any team but the starting pitching starved Atlanta Braves taking a 1 year flyer on a washed-up, waste of left arm like this guy. He WILL get injured again, because, well, that's just what he does best. Pencil him into a Braves uniform for a 1 year deal with around $2 mil.

Free Agent Profile: Milton Bradley


Name: Milton Bradley
DOB: 4/15/78
Mental State: Somewhere between unstable and dangerous
Correctly Accused Jeff Kent of Being a Rascist: True
Threw Bag of Balls at Home Plate Umpire: True
Threw Bottle at a Fan: True
Was Traded by Indians for Being a Lazy Asshole: True
Tore His Knee Ligament While Fighting with Ump: True
Tried to Attack Royals Clubhouse Announcer but was Intercepted by GM and Manager After Game: True
Writes a Blog For the New York Times: Frighteningly True

Breakdown

There are three levels of craziness in baseball. Just three. Here's a quick rundown.

1. Wanna-be Crazy - Think Gary Sheffield. If you think he is legitimately crazy, pay attention to the two seconds before he charged Fausto Carmona. He wanted nothing to do with him, but pride gave him a polite shove forward. Jonny Gomes falls into this category as well. Tatoos do not make you crazy. Neither does fucking wake-boarding, Jonny.

2. Subdued Crazy - Think Kyle Farnsworth, Manny Ramirez, or Turk Wendall. All of these guys are harmless as long as they're left alone. Kind of like bees, perhaps, or hungry bums on the subway. Piss them off, and you're in trouble, but and instigation is necessary to unleash lunacy.

3. Certifiably Crazy - Think Carl Everett or Elijah Dukes or Milton Bradley. You don't want to cross any of these guys in fucking Epcot Center on a Saturday morning during a charity event, let alone do so in a compromising situation. They are capable of unprovoked assault and verbal tirades that leave even the most postured people wilting.

Prognosis

We all know this fucking guy is getting a deal from someone. And personally, I'm looking forward to it. Why cut a freak show short when there's still weird shit left to see? Bradley will get 2+ years of extended delusion, guaranteed. And let's pray he's paired with a manager who likes to throw down with his players, a la John Gibbons, because player-manager brawls make life a little bit sweeter.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Swisher to Yankees, No One Cares!


Yeah, yeah, you watch, Swisher only hit .219 last season because he was miscast! Sure, his "big personality" will fit right in with Hank and Joe's open and hilarious demeanors! Oh boy, I can't wait to see what else Cashman has up his sleeve!

(drinks Kool-Aid, waits for death)

Billy Beane Likes the Way You Look When You're Dreaming


Billy Beane watches you sleep. It calms him down after a long day of manipulation and dead-lifting. He can hear your thoughts. You like macaroni and cheese - so does he! He knows you have a subscription to a midget porn site. Pervert. He knows you once shit yourself while waiting on a subway platform. You disgust him. That time you hooked up with your cousin in the jacket closet at a wedding? Billy Beane marked it in his notebook. You cried watching "Grey's Anatomy"? It made Billy Beane ashamed to be a man.

Beane is the see-it-all, know-it-all General Manager Messiah - there's no more denying this. And he also knows that trading for Matt Holiday was a smart move, any way you look at it.

When I first heard that Beane dealt two of his blue chips prospects and Huston Street for the Colorado slugger, I thought he was fucking nuts. And that's my reaction to most of his moves. Haren for 57 minor-league pitchers? What the fuck? Nick Swisher for a struggling center-fielder? Huh? Mike Piazza at DH? Doesn't he know Piazza is a bottom and not a top?

But, when the dust settles, Beane is the almost always the guy laughing, holding a Maker's, eye-fcuking a blonde that's so hot you don't even have a shot at masturbating to her. If you're even doubting this man's ability to perform at a high level, go read Moneyball. Obviously I'm not the first person to tell you this, but if you haven't read the book, then you have serious fucking issues. Not that it paints Beane in some "Holier-than-though" light - some of the moves he made back in 2002 look questionable now - but it explains, in serious depth, a baseball GM's thought process, and the manipulative nature of borderline genius.

So, when Beane decided to move three highly-coveted pieces for a player who is up for free agency after the 2009 season and is repped by Satan Boras, it seems like a waste of good prospects. But then you look at the players he has on the roster and in the farm system. And then you listen to the rumor mill, and hear who Oakland is targeting. Rafael Furcal, Jason Giambi. After hearing this, and assuming Oakland signs some veterans to shore-up certain positions, would it be so shocking if they were competitive? I wouldn't be surprised if they made a run for the playoffs. They've done it before, there's no reason it can't happen again. And if it does, you can bet your sweet-fucking-ass pundits will be claiming to have believed in Beane's moves all along.

But, playing Devil's Advocate, let's say a competitive team doesn't happen - let's say they turn out like they did this past season, too green, not enough experience, not ready for the playoffs - what happens when the July trade deadline begins to loom? Oakland's sitting on one of the most sought after additions in baseball. Think an offensive Sabathia, who could return more to Oakland than Cleveland got from their ace lefty last July.

But what happens if Oakland competes all the way into September, but misses the playoffs? Was it stupid for the team to have held onto Holliday past the trade deadline, missing out on a bounty of prospects? Of course not, because Holliday nets the team two extra sandwich picks in the draft. Two picks that Beane turns into prospects. Two picks that turn into MLB ready players after a couple seasons in the minors. Beane wins again.

From all angles, it's a winning situation for Oakland. One can argue that dealing two young, high-ceiling players was stupid, because you don't know what you're going to get in the draft, if Holliday stays around until next October. But you could also argue that neither Carlos Gonzalez nor Greg Smith showed the potential to blossom into a superstar. And you could continue arguing your point until Beane telepathically hears you, and then sends Frank Thomas to come kill you. Maybe then, you'll finally learn a lesson.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Creepy Comparison #51: The First Trifecta


Per AK's comments in the previous post, I had to add in Jamey Carroll...Wow, super-creepy.

Creepy Comparison #50: A Bad Time for Doc


In March 2004, I was in my second senior year of college. I was never sober for more than a 36 hour stretch, I was cleaning up money-wise as a bartender, and my hair had never been so full and so bouncy. It was a glorious time.

Little did I know that the end of that (sports) year would be one of the most painful fucking years in my short illustrious life. First came the 2004 ALCS, which I equate to an inmates first prison rape, because I'm sure the same feelings accompany both the series and the non-consensual sex. Next came Doug Brien's and Herm Edwards' collaboration to kill me via a rage/anger/depression induced heart attack*.

*Note - When the Jets lost to Pittsburgh in the Divisional round of the playoffs, there were two kids - maybe 8 and 10 years old - sitting in the bar near me with thier father, and I am positive they will never be the same mentally after hearing what came out of my mouth. Because of me, they are probably listening to Evanescence and wearing eye shadow. But regardless, the year ended on a sour note.

But one good thing I did take away from 2004 was the first season of "Deadwood". I was sure it was destined for a "Sopranos-esque" run on HBO. Who doesn't love Old Western shootouts, un-bathed but gold-hearted hookers, unbranded whiskey, and Native American genocide? The fucking Commies, that's who! This show was fucking awesome, and when 2005 rolled around, I was just happy to still have it.

Again, I was destined for heartbreak. For whatever reason, the show declined quicker than Tony La Russa to a bartender's offer to call a cab. It went into left field. Weird shit happened. I lost interest. I moved back in with my parents. The world was unjust again.

The relevance here is "Deadwood's" star, Timothy Olyphant, who looks EXACTLY like Sean Marshall, a swing-man for the Chicago Cubs. And who knows more about heartbreak than those fat fuckers in the Windy City?

C'mere you tubs-of-shit, I got a shoulder for you to lay your fat fucking head, because I too know what a bad stretch feels like, even if mine was 1,188 months shorter...

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Victory!


You may be wondering who this puny shirtless nerd is heading this post. Is it homage to some undiscovered high school phenom? Is it Doc at a young and reckless age? Is it AK during his marching band days?

Nope - it's your 2008 National League Cy Young Award Winner, Tim Lincecum. Doesn't this picture and his triumph just make you feel awful about being a fat, lazy, disgusting shit who eats Haagen Dazs like it's jam-packed with Vitamin C? Well, it should...

And why am I so exuberant to learn that Skinny Tim is this year's man amongst boys? Do I hold a secret affection for San Francisco? Do I yearn to prance freely around the city by the bay?

Fuck no.

Actually, if it was up to me, that fucking place would be floating out in the Pacific right about now. But it's not, unfortunately, so I'll leave it up to God to punish those glory-hole loving hippies...

But back to the celebration. I'm excited because baseball writers finally got it right with their Cy Young ballots. They ignored the fact that Brandon Webb won 22 games, and cited Lincecum's performance for a club that was compiled of washed-up scrubs, green rookies, and fucking Rich Aurilia. And despite being sand-bagged by a douchebag owner and hapless GM, Lincecum continually dominated the opposition, game after game. And don't forget that he almost died during the All-Star break, but came back even stronger, and ended up leading the league in strikeouts, with 265 K's, and placing second in ERA, with a staggering 2.62.

My heartfelt congratulations goes out to Tim. Here's to a few more seasons before your body completely shuts down and you become a arthritic cripple afraid to even set foot outside your dark unforgiving bedroom!

Monday, November 10, 2008

What Might Have Been

Ever wonder who your favorite team drafted, but didn't sign?

I do. Well, honestly, I was thinking more about who else - Mike Piazza - than the above question. After pondering what his minor league stats were like (Yes, I actually just randomly think about things like this. You think this blog shit is easy? You need to be seriously infected with sports on the brain to pull this puppy off) and logging onto one of my favorite sites, thebaseballcube.com, I began "web surfing." As far as I know from watching movies like 'The Net', this means clicking on link after link on the 'internet' and going from web page to web page. One of the 'electronic waves' I 'caught' took me to the draft page of the 1988 first-year player draft, the year in which Mikey was drafted in the 62nd round. I then began to see player after player drafted, but not signed by that team.

The rest is history.

Here, for your review, loyal WMHG readers, are some notable players the New York Mets drafted recently, but were unable to sign, and the year we picked them:

'84 John Wetteland

'86 John Olerud
We brought Johnny O back, though! Jeez, what a winning smile.

'86 Scott Erickson

Gosh, he's dreamy.

'86 Todd Jones

After seeing this I'm glad we didn't keep him.

'89 Mark Grudzielanek

I don't know what website this was from but I'd LOVE to know what the hell he is doing.

'90 Darren Dreifort
Kinda looks like a right handed Koufax, right? Except much shittier and richer.

'90 Rick Helling

Let's just say I'm glad Ricky held out.

'92 Darrin Erstad
Could have been Nails, part II. Ohh, and why is he sitting like that?

'93 Billy Koch
LI's own.

'95 Aaron Rowand
Sweet graphic tee. I'm just glad he wasn't on the Phillies when they won. That would have been intolerable.

'95 Scott Procter

What up Yankee fans!!!! Remember him???

'97 Garrett Atkins
Baseball card photo, or glamor shot. You decide.

Free Agent Profile: Richie Sexson


Name: Richmond Lockwood Sexson
Above Name is a Joke: Negative
DOB: 12/29/74
Height: Ridiculously Gangly
Was Once Traded for Junior Spivey, Craig Counsell, Lyle Overbay, Chad Moeller, Chris Capuano and Jorge de La Rosa: Affirmative
Now is Unemployed and Probably Eating from the Trash: Affirmative

Breakdown

There was a time when I would have shit my pants if you told me the Yankees signed/traded for Richie Sexson. It actually happened this past summer, and my pants stayed unsoiled. Why? Because Sexson has flirted with the Mendoza line for the past three seasons, and was finally released by the Mariners, and then was pity-signed by the Yankees because they were worried Jason Giambi’s head was going to explode. He can still hit home runs, mainly because he’s seventeen feet tall, but his ability to go to opposite field is gone, and so are his chances to land a serious contract.


Outlook

If I was the General Manager of the Nationals, first I would stick my head in the toilet for being such a waste of life, and second I would sign a guy like Sexson. There are several reasons for this. He’s only 33 years old, he won’t cost much, and he has a track record. Plus, he may be able to bring back some of his pop, and he’s a better option than Nick “My leg is made out of pretzel rods” Johnson, or Dmitri “obesity is an issue and causes diabetes” Young. So, fuck it, why not?



I HATE NY: UPDATE
You know what really fucking bothers me? When I have my first day off (today) in I don't know how fucking long, and there are two dickheads in the hallway banging a metal sheet with a hammer. I don't even think they're working - I honestly think they are just wailing away on a metal pipe for the fuck of it. This sucks. All I want to do is watch Sopranos reruns, eat a sandwich, and maybe, just maybe, take a fucking nap. But no, my day off, and they're playing the fucking subway drums in my hallway. Fucking die. And to top it off, only one elevator is working. I live in a goddamn building with 25 floors of apartments, and there's 1 ELEVATOR WORKING! I want to walk down to the manager's office and take a shit in a hidden drawer, and then layer said shit with old salmon.

They just started drilling. I wish I was at work...

Still Not OK



Just for the record, this is still not OK. I don't know why I can't let this go, and maybe it's the 1 good thing I'll do in my life, but I will be the voice of the Native Americans in the sports world. They should at the very least get a final approval on all names/logos involving their likeness, or something like that.

Imagine some clown knocks on the door to your apartment tonight and after you open the door he sneezes in your face (small pox), pulls you out and forces you to live in the hallway (reservation) and proceeds to live in your former apartment. Everyday after that he walks in and out of the place right past you with a big foam cartoon head that looks just like yours. All I'm saying is, it would piss me off.

Friday, November 7, 2008

Creepy Comparison #49: Discovery Channel Edition



Well, someone had to finally say it. Shane Victorino looks like a Bat. Not the wooden thing he swings around in the batter's box, an actual furry, flying Bat. They both eat fruit and rodents. They are both very annoying. They both might be traded to the Rockies for Matt Holliday. They can both be found sleeping upsidedown in your attic. I'm not being mean, it's just true.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Free Agent Profile: Manny Ramirez


Name: Manuel Aristides Onelcida Ramirez
DOB: 5/30/72
Hometown: The charming Washington Heights section of Manhattan
Nickname: Man-Ram
Nickname Refers To: Violent gay rape
This is Weird: True
Favorite Movie: The Last Unicorn
Favorite TV Personality: Emmitt Smith, especially when he recites long, unintelligible, ignorance-revealing monologues

Breakdown


What can be said about Manny Ramirez that hasn't already been said 147 times over? The man single-handily took a squandering team, lifted them onto his shoulder, and carried them to the N.L.C.S., the whole time thinking he was playing "Turok" on Nintendo 64. He is a myth, a modern day legend, a folk hero, and a retard. As of today, Ned Colletti* offered him what has been perceived to be - aside from Gay-Rod's deal - the richest year-to-year contract in baseball. But the amount of year's may be too short for Manny's and Count Boras's taste.

Prognosis

As recently as last week, Manny has stated he wants to go to the highest bidder, saying "gas is up, and I'm up". The demand for oil immediately hit a pitfall proving further that Manny's has no idea what he's talking about - ever.

But let's be honest here for a moment: Who wouldn't want Manny in the middle of their lineup? If anyone answers "no", they are fucking liars, and I demand they be dragged out into the street and stoned to death. He is the best right-handed hitter in baseball, and maybe the best right-handed hitter of our generation. Unfortunately God decided to play a joke and give him the mind of a 13-year-old kid obsessed with Star Wars and Dungeons and Dragons. Sometimes that God can be a cruel sonuvabitch...


*Ned Colletti is the worst fucking General Manager in the National League, second only in the entire Major League baseball stratosphere to the Texas Rangers GM, Jon Daniels, who should be exiled to fucking Oz or some shit. Colletti has added, in recent years, Andruw Jones - 2 years, $36.2 million, Jason Schmidt - 3 years, $47 million, and Juan Pierre (even though they already have 17 outfielders) 5 years, $44 million. This guy is a fucking joke, which makes me wonder, if given the power, how superior I would be at his position...

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Free Agent Profile: Adam Dunn/Ken Griffey Jr.


Name: Adam Troy Dunn/George Kenneth Griffey Jr.
DOB: 11/9/79 / 11/21/69
Height: E-NORMOUS/Superior Athletic Height
Weight: See Above/Dough-y
Birthplace: Houston, TX/Donora, PA
Feuds with: J.P. Ricciardi/Everyone (but in a very pleasant, charming, unassuming and soft spoken manner)
Career HR (seasons): 278 (8)/611(20)
Enjoys: Fine watches (see photo above)
"When I retire, I'll...": Resume my job as full-time lumberjack/Continue getting hurt but in fun new old person ways
Hall Of Famer?: Not bloody likely/You bet your life he is
Pet Peeve: The fact that J.P. Ricciardi is still alive. He's the only person on the planet that has ever openly defied Dunn in his entire life, seriously. HAVE YOU SEEN HOW BIG HE IS?!/Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa, Brady Anderson and all the other juice-heads who wiped the luster right off of his career accomplishments

Breakdown:

What we have here is a tale of two careers - one in his prime, the other close to the end. Say what you want about the Big Donkey (and you thought Lance Berkman's nickname was bad), but the big bastard sure can hit home runs and get on base. He averages 40 HRs a season. 40!! That's post steroid era. WOW. He also owns a lifetime .381 on base %. That's right up there with A-Rod, Vladdy, Wright, Jeter and Miguel Cabrera. Sure, he loves striking out like he loves cookouts and hunting, but there's always room for a big mash'n slugger in anyone's lineup. Debate all you want at how valuable a guy like him is to a team, but hell, it's just cool to watch a guy that's 6'6" hit 480 foot solo homers. He'll be 29 next year and should continue mashing for another 5 or 6 seasons barring injury.

Speaking of injurieeeeeeeeeeeeeesss, Kenny, kenny, kenny....why? Why keep going? Now is your time to ride off into the sunset. Retire with Maddux and Kent and be a part of the surliest HOF class since Babe Ruth, Ty Cobb and Adolf Hitler (jeez, I hope that doesn't trigger some weirdo google ads!). Saying your body is made of glass at this point would be an insult to glass' strength. I could see it now, I'd be getting hate emails from the G.B.A.A (Glass Blowers Association of America...of which I am a member), I'd have glass windows throwing eggs at me on the street, the glass light bulbs would stop working in my apartment...I just don't need that kind of aggravation...Wait, what was I talking about again?

Prognosis:

AD will be fine. Some one is going to pay this "guy who doesn't like playing baseball" a ton of money to walk, hit dingers and play left field roughly as well as I did the 2 years I patrolled the spot as a Little Leaguer. It was weird, I played SS when I was younger, but then my defensive skills went out the window. My hitting stroke, however, came back late in my LL career and I finished very strong. Anywayyy, the rumor is the Nationals may try to make a big splash and lock up a "name" that could give people a reason to actually come out and watch the team. But, if team owner Rachel Phelps has her way, she'll assemble a team that will come in dead last in attendance giving her the ability to move the team to a warmer climate (If you don't know what that's a reference to, then navigate off this blog immediately and never return). Griff is rumored to make a farewell return to Seattle. I, for one, think this would be kind of cool, even though I'd forget about it two weeks into next season because I don't pay attention to the American League (why anyone does is beyond me....but that's a matter for another post!).

Free Agent Profile: Carl Pavano


Name: Carl Pavano
DOB: 1/8/76
Steps in Shit More Often Than Not: True
Sexual Adventures: Erotic, but sometimes unsatisfying
Typical Guido Look: Minus nerdy haircut, true
Actually from Uppity Section of Connecticut: True
Favorite First Date: Backseat of his car, face down ass up
First Love: Mama's cooking

Breakdown

In a surprising move, the New York Yankees declined to pick up Carl Pavano's option, instead opting to hand him more money he does not deserve. Pavano said "thanks again, suckers," and proceeded to take a huge shit on top of Hal Steinbrenner's head.

Pavano will be remembered for getting naked with these two...



...more than he will for accomplishing any athletic feat while in pinstripes.

Pavano, signed to a 4 year, $39.95 million deal in 2005, has been nothing short of worthless. He provided no services, besides fodder for the unfunny and hokey New York media. While they got a kick out of calling him "American Idle", no one else did, and routinely wished that both Pavano and the media, would perish in a plane crash over the Rocky Mountains.

Prognosis

Now that Pavano is a free agent, he has time to explore his career options, which include switching to a relief role, continuing to suck as a starter in the A.L., or moving back to the National League where he could potentially win 15 games and have an ERA under 4.00. Also, Pavano is said to be contemplating a career in Hollywood. His logic is, since he's already inserted his dick into almost every B starlet out there, why not move closer, so he can do so with more frequency and less jet/cock-lag.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Free Agent Profile: A.J. Burnett


Name: Allan James "A.J." Burnett
DOB: 1/3/77
Height: Mildly Tall
Weight: Cushy
Birthplace: Little Rock, Arkansas
Significance of Birth Place: Portrayed as a scary-motherfucking place in HBO's "Gang War: Banging in Little Rock"
Drafted By: New York Mets
Traded For: Al "King of Queens" Leiter
Favorite Food/Drink: Wine aged 3 years, but listed at 5
Hair: Long, Flowing, and potentially orgasmic (for women and French Canadians)
Has Douchebag Tribal Tattoo: Yes
Favorite Pastime: Playing 2/3 of a Monopoly game, garnering as much money as possible, then pretending to be sick so he can go home and watch "227"

Breakdown:

A.J. is potentially one of the most enticing free agent pitchers on the market this off-season. He has two plus pitches, throwing his fastball in the high 90's and countering with a sharp curveball. He also is fond of metal bands and groupies that wear black lipstick and prefer to be gagged during sex. When asked his favorite movie by fans, he says Gladiator, but deep down he knows it's Regarding Henry, because he just can't get enough of Harrison Ford and that goddamn dog.

A.J. also sports nipple rings, which is gay. Playing in Toronto does not help counter this gay aura, because he probably know how to speak French, and unless he does something to change his image, he will continue to be a revered homosexual.

Prognosis:

A.J. will opt-out of his contract with Toronto, because who really stands by their word nowadays? Once he does, some team stuffed to the gills with cash will throw money at him like he's a stripper with low self-esteem and a recreational cocaine addiction, and he will sign with them. For the next four seasons, he will be fluctuate from mediocre to good, but miss significant time with minor injuries, and probably add another fruity piercing to his repertoire. Once he is in his next contract year, he will win 17 games and lead the league in K's. Stir, repeat until retirement.

What Day is It?


*POLITICAL RANT ALERT*

Take your pamphlets and your fold-outs and your government statistics and your call-to-action brochures and your "Change" posters and your Maverick buttons and your Palin Halloween costumes and your Biden breathalyzer results and your Uncle Sam hats and Keith Olbermann's stupid fucking glasses, and Sean Hannity's douchey fucking smirk, and shove them up your ass.

Ask me again if I voted. I fucking dare you. You may end up with that fake white beard clogging your esophagus.

Are you having a get-together to watch a stupid map light-up with either red or blue colors? Fucking fall off a cliff. Election parties are gayer than Hilary Clinton. If you are a man and you're throwing an election party, turn in your cock and balls immediately and start calling yourself "Susan".

Do you think your vote matters? Well, do you? Before you get on your high horse, ask yourself this: do you live in one of the red/blue states that's already decided which team they are voting for? If you answer "yes", than don't waste the twenty precious minutes of your life it takes to vote. Go smoke some crack, fuck a hooker unprotected, eat some lard from the Dunkin Donuts mixer, anything, as long as you are not being ignorant about how insignificant you are.

(But if you do happen to live in one of these "Battleground" states, then what the fuck are you doing reading this??)

And before you give me that self-righteous bullshit about "if you don't vote, you can't complain", remember who you are talking too, because the minute not voting because I (this is an opinion, mind you) think both candidates are a little on the stupid side stops me from complaining, that's the minute I start quoting Carrie Bradshaw and carrying around tampons.

I'm going to take a nap. Wake me up when this shit is decided.

USA! USA! USA!

Monday, November 3, 2008

Righting a Sinking Ship - How to Fix the 2009 Yankees


I have the solution that will fix the ailing New York Yankees. Yes, me, a mild-mannered blogger, has the formula that will end the Yankees 1 year playoff drought. For those of you who have suffered through this year of intense hardship, fear no more, I'm presenting a strategy that will blow your head and neck clean off your shoulders. Do you want to hear it? Do you? Do you think you can handle the intricacy of it? Those are rhetorical questions, really, because you're fucking-A right you're going to hear it.

For Brian Cashman, I have only two words. SPEND. MONEY. And there in capitals, so you know they're both important words and I'm yelling them. It's a simple concept, but sometimes people tend to over think the idea. And lately, I've heard a lot about teams like the Yankees tightening the belt a bit. That's fucking nonsense, don't even try bringing up the economic crisis talk that's sweeping the nation - it's bullshit. You have nothing to worry about Cash, because there are a ton of uneducated corporate schmucks out there that who are dying to pony-up $1,000 a pop to sit behind home plate, use their cellphone, and wave at their retarded friends for seven innings straight. So, take all the money you're retaining by letting loose Mussina, Giambi, Pavano and Abreu - about $60 million - and throw it right back in the face of some free agents. It'll feel so good, Brian, I swear, just like the time you got drunk off Patron and plowed that Rosa Mexicana's waitress in the back of your Lincoln Town Car. Do it.

Here's the rundown:

- First up, sign Manny Ramirez to DH. I don't care if he has character issues, or if he's moody, or if he's certifiable and likes to fuck a stuffed elephant called "Papi" in front of his locker every day - he can still hit the shit out of the ball. And, after giving him four years of contract security, he will physically and emotionally rape Boston each time he faces them. Just watch. It will be violent and sexual and filled with rage-splattered screams that echo through the rafters of the new Yankee Stadium, no doubt filling Hank Steinbrenner's black heart with unbridled joy.

- Next, get that fat-fuck Sabathia in XXXXL pinstripes immediately. He wants a house made of chocolate? Make it happen. He wants a locker made of hamburgers? Hire someone with the brain-power to create something so stupid and yet so delicious. Left Ace's are not on the table open for bidding every off season.

- And while you're at it, go out and get Derek Lowe. I don't care that the last time he pitched in the A.L. his ERA was 5x higher than Joba's breathalyzer results - he eats innings similar to the way C.C. eats Whoppers - by the hundreds. Lowe has pitched 200+ innings in five of the last seven seasons. The Yankees haven't had a workhorse like that since 2003.

- To finish off this rotation, let Joba start. He will give you statistical boners all season, so just go with it.

- If both of these guys are inked and Joba's slotted in as the #5 starter, the rotation looks like this: Sabathia, Wang, Pettite, Lowe, Chamberlain. Up your ass, American League contenders.

- Next, slide Robinson Cano over to 1B, then sign Orlando Hudson. This improves the defense from 'shit' to 'warning farts'. The Yankees infield's defense is not going to become amazing overnight, but removing Cano from second base and bringing in a Gold Glover is a nice start.

- Leave center field up for grabs. Will Gardner win out? Can Melky return to his 2007 form? Will Austin Jackson take the major league by storm? Someone will step it up, so have some faith in the young ones - believe it or not - the Yankees DO NOT NEED ALL-STARS AT EVERY FUCKING POSITION TO WIN. Remember Chad Curtis, Charlie Hayes, Luis Sojo? Yeah, I fucking thought so. Let the best of what's already in the system compete for the spot and move on.

- Don't make any dramatic changes to the bullpen. Have some faith in Veras, Coke, Sanchez, or one of the other rookies auditioning in Spring Training, hoping they step up and settle into the set-up role. And also sign a lefty as insurance, someone like Dennys Reyes. He's fat too, he can hang out with Sabathia.


Now, it's imperative that Cashman follows these instructions to a T. There can be no straying - he can't bring in someone like A.J. Burnett who decides to pitch well in one out of every four seasons. That shit should be unacceptable. Invest money in players that have proven track records, not decrepit old men on their last leg.

It's the Yankees only hope, otherwise, there's a chance the team could miss the playoffs for the second straight season!

Just think about it - right now, out there, there's an 7-year old kid in the Bronx who has never seen the Yankees win a World Series, and he's beginning to think it might never happen.

(wipes tear away, finishes signing over soul to Satan)

Creepy Guy Profile: Rance Mulliniks


There was a time when Rance loved the ladies. And he was adored in return. His smooth mustache, his thick glasses (indicating intelligence) got the chicks swarming. But then, 1990 hit. His qualities soon went from 'cool' to 'creepy'. He began drinking heavily. His demeanor went from pleasant to irritable and edgy. He started purchasing pistols out of Cabella's. People took notice. Someone called the police. A fight ensued. Rance went out and drank heavily that night. When he returned to the clubhouse for a doubleheader against Chicago the next day, there was a pink slip in his locker. He vowed revenge. Instead, he caught a BJ for $15 from the trannie that ran the parking garage behind the stadium.