Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Creepy Comparison #50: A Bad Time for Doc

In March 2004, I was in my second senior year of college. I was never sober for more than a 36 hour stretch, I was cleaning up money-wise as a bartender, and my hair had never been so full and so bouncy. It was a glorious time.

Little did I know that the end of that (sports) year would be one of the most painful fucking years in my short illustrious life. First came the 2004 ALCS, which I equate to an inmates first prison rape, because I'm sure the same feelings accompany both the series and the non-consensual sex. Next came Doug Brien's and Herm Edwards' collaboration to kill me via a rage/anger/depression induced heart attack*.

*Note - When the Jets lost to Pittsburgh in the Divisional round of the playoffs, there were two kids - maybe 8 and 10 years old - sitting in the bar near me with thier father, and I am positive they will never be the same mentally after hearing what came out of my mouth. Because of me, they are probably listening to Evanescence and wearing eye shadow. But regardless, the year ended on a sour note.

But one good thing I did take away from 2004 was the first season of "Deadwood". I was sure it was destined for a "Sopranos-esque" run on HBO. Who doesn't love Old Western shootouts, un-bathed but gold-hearted hookers, unbranded whiskey, and Native American genocide? The fucking Commies, that's who! This show was fucking awesome, and when 2005 rolled around, I was just happy to still have it.

Again, I was destined for heartbreak. For whatever reason, the show declined quicker than Tony La Russa to a bartender's offer to call a cab. It went into left field. Weird shit happened. I lost interest. I moved back in with my parents. The world was unjust again.

The relevance here is "Deadwood's" star, Timothy Olyphant, who looks EXACTLY like Sean Marshall, a swing-man for the Chicago Cubs. And who knows more about heartbreak than those fat fuckers in the Windy City?

C'mere you tubs-of-shit, I got a shoulder for you to lay your fat fucking head, because I too know what a bad stretch feels like, even if mine was 1,188 months shorter...


AK-47 said...

If any of you out there doubt modern science, I say to you, BEHOLD:

Jamie Carroll, the test tube, seperated at birth evil third brother from this CC.

Doc Holliday said...

Wow - may need to make an updated one...