There is a chance, albeit a slight one, that the New York Yankees fail to sign any of the three free agent pitchers they targeted this offseason. That means come April, no C.C., no A.J. and no Derek Lowe filling out the thin rotation. And even though I could do without the bullshit, hokey headlines the New York Post will make out of all the acronyms, I would never wish these guys to another team. But it’s possible, and it’s been mentioned by more than one reporter, and barring the chance that all of these reporters are in cahoots to ruin the Yankees, their fan-base, and everything that’s right about capitalism, greed, title domination and overall good, clean baseball, the story was not fabricated out of thin fucking air.
It’s called a Doomsday Scenario. It’s when everything that can possibly go wrong, does. Imagine a world where chaos reigns, a police state is the norm, Jews and Muslims play dominoes together in the park, gay republicans from Arkansas hold hands openly in the street, liberals admonish the hand-holding instead of praising it, America has a
I know, I know, it’s too much to digest on a Sunday night, but this is what we’re looking at if Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum fail to entice any one of the big three into wearing pinstripes.
So let’s say this happens, and the Yankees are left with only Chein-Ming Wang and Joba Chamberlain to anchor the rotation – what happens then? First, I go out and eat a lot, and drink a lot, and probably piss on the 2 train platform, because the night will be long and the remorseful feeling will be too much. But then, the Yankees will be forced to go with Plan B. What is Plan B? Who knows for sure, but here’s a four-step proposal that will keep the Yankees relevant.
1. Sign Jon Garland
He may not be the savior the Yankees are looking for, but he eats innings like you eat Doritos after smoking that bullshit weed you buy off that Jamaican in Washington Square Park.
2. Sign Brad Penny
He ate his fat-ass out of Los Angeles, and is now looking for redemption. A fired-up fatso on the rebound is something you want to be a part of. But if he fails, get rid of him. Fast. Fuck it, even if you have to eat (no pun) $30 million, do it. Trade him for Julian Taverez or a AA prospect pushing 40, just make sure you cut ties. As good as it is to have a motivated fat boy, it’s ten-times worse to have a depressed one.
3. Re-sign Andy Pettite
The rotation needs a left-handed arm. Pettite was 13-9 before hurting his shoulder and sliding to 14-14 at season’s end. I’ll take it.
4. Let Phil Hughes Marinate
Yes, he didn’t exactly dominate last season, but let’s not forget, Hughes is only 22 years-old. He has good stuff. Scouts still like his make-up. They don’t say these things for shits and giggles. It’s real, I swear - Hughes is going to be good. Not just good, but great! Amazing! An Ace! A fucking Hall of Famer!
(thinks about Johan Santana in pinstripes, drops toaster into luke-warm bathtub)
Now, I doubt this is going to happen – I doubt the Yankees are going to have to worry about losing out on all three pitchers. But the alternative (if it’s even plausible) isn’t exactly the end of the world. Contrary to what all the fat fucking idiots who know dick about baseball will be crowing, the Yankees will not be finished before the season even begins. They’ll never trot out a team that’s under prepared and way too green to compete.
What’s that? The Yankees did exactly what I just said they would never do this past season? You must be mistaken, sir, because this past season never happened!
(blinds you with reflection from Ian Kennedy’s gigantic teeth)
(dives into cover of bushes)
Yes, I am fully aware the Jets knocked off the undefeated Titans today. In fact, I let everyone know about it via obscenity laced text-messages - like a real man does it! But also, I've avoided discussing the team because they've been on a role, and history tends to suggest that I, in no way, can EVER bring luck to my team, so I'm going to shut the fuck and smile, and nod, and hope to Brett Favre's god I didn't upset him.