Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Free Agent Profile: Adam Dunn/Ken Griffey Jr.


Name: Adam Troy Dunn/George Kenneth Griffey Jr.
DOB: 11/9/79 / 11/21/69
Height: E-NORMOUS/Superior Athletic Height
Weight: See Above/Dough-y
Birthplace: Houston, TX/Donora, PA
Feuds with: J.P. Ricciardi/Everyone (but in a very pleasant, charming, unassuming and soft spoken manner)
Career HR (seasons): 278 (8)/611(20)
Enjoys: Fine watches (see photo above)
"When I retire, I'll...": Resume my job as full-time lumberjack/Continue getting hurt but in fun new old person ways
Hall Of Famer?: Not bloody likely/You bet your life he is
Pet Peeve: The fact that J.P. Ricciardi is still alive. He's the only person on the planet that has ever openly defied Dunn in his entire life, seriously. HAVE YOU SEEN HOW BIG HE IS?!/Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa, Brady Anderson and all the other juice-heads who wiped the luster right off of his career accomplishments

Breakdown:

What we have here is a tale of two careers - one in his prime, the other close to the end. Say what you want about the Big Donkey (and you thought Lance Berkman's nickname was bad), but the big bastard sure can hit home runs and get on base. He averages 40 HRs a season. 40!! That's post steroid era. WOW. He also owns a lifetime .381 on base %. That's right up there with A-Rod, Vladdy, Wright, Jeter and Miguel Cabrera. Sure, he loves striking out like he loves cookouts and hunting, but there's always room for a big mash'n slugger in anyone's lineup. Debate all you want at how valuable a guy like him is to a team, but hell, it's just cool to watch a guy that's 6'6" hit 480 foot solo homers. He'll be 29 next year and should continue mashing for another 5 or 6 seasons barring injury.

Speaking of injurieeeeeeeeeeeeeesss, Kenny, kenny, kenny....why? Why keep going? Now is your time to ride off into the sunset. Retire with Maddux and Kent and be a part of the surliest HOF class since Babe Ruth, Ty Cobb and Adolf Hitler (jeez, I hope that doesn't trigger some weirdo google ads!). Saying your body is made of glass at this point would be an insult to glass' strength. I could see it now, I'd be getting hate emails from the G.B.A.A (Glass Blowers Association of America...of which I am a member), I'd have glass windows throwing eggs at me on the street, the glass light bulbs would stop working in my apartment...I just don't need that kind of aggravation...Wait, what was I talking about again?

Prognosis:

AD will be fine. Some one is going to pay this "guy who doesn't like playing baseball" a ton of money to walk, hit dingers and play left field roughly as well as I did the 2 years I patrolled the spot as a Little Leaguer. It was weird, I played SS when I was younger, but then my defensive skills went out the window. My hitting stroke, however, came back late in my LL career and I finished very strong. Anywayyy, the rumor is the Nationals may try to make a big splash and lock up a "name" that could give people a reason to actually come out and watch the team. But, if team owner Rachel Phelps has her way, she'll assemble a team that will come in dead last in attendance giving her the ability to move the team to a warmer climate (If you don't know what that's a reference to, then navigate off this blog immediately and never return). Griff is rumored to make a farewell return to Seattle. I, for one, think this would be kind of cool, even though I'd forget about it two weeks into next season because I don't pay attention to the American League (why anyone does is beyond me....but that's a matter for another post!).

3 comments:

Dan said...

Pedro Cerrano: Jesus, I like him very much, but he no help with curveball.

Eddie Harris: You trying to say Jesus Christ can't hit a curveball?

Doc Holliday said...

Charlie Donovan: How would you like to manage the Indians this year?

Lou Brown: Gee, I don't know...

Charlie Donovan: What do you mean, you don't know? This is your chance to manage in the big leagues.

Lou Brown: Let me get back to you, will ya, Charlie? I got a guy on the other line asking about some white walls.

king dong said...

what kind of watches are those - swatch? Swiss Army?