Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Free Agent Profile: A.J. Burnett


Name: Allan James "A.J." Burnett
DOB: 1/3/77
Height: Mildly Tall
Weight: Cushy
Birthplace: Little Rock, Arkansas
Significance of Birth Place: Portrayed as a scary-motherfucking place in HBO's "Gang War: Banging in Little Rock"
Drafted By: New York Mets
Traded For: Al "King of Queens" Leiter
Favorite Food/Drink: Wine aged 3 years, but listed at 5
Hair: Long, Flowing, and potentially orgasmic (for women and French Canadians)
Has Douchebag Tribal Tattoo: Yes
Favorite Pastime: Playing 2/3 of a Monopoly game, garnering as much money as possible, then pretending to be sick so he can go home and watch "227"

Breakdown:

A.J. is potentially one of the most enticing free agent pitchers on the market this off-season. He has two plus pitches, throwing his fastball in the high 90's and countering with a sharp curveball. He also is fond of metal bands and groupies that wear black lipstick and prefer to be gagged during sex. When asked his favorite movie by fans, he says Gladiator, but deep down he knows it's Regarding Henry, because he just can't get enough of Harrison Ford and that goddamn dog.

A.J. also sports nipple rings, which is gay. Playing in Toronto does not help counter this gay aura, because he probably know how to speak French, and unless he does something to change his image, he will continue to be a revered homosexual.

Prognosis:

A.J. will opt-out of his contract with Toronto, because who really stands by their word nowadays? Once he does, some team stuffed to the gills with cash will throw money at him like he's a stripper with low self-esteem and a recreational cocaine addiction, and he will sign with them. For the next four seasons, he will be fluctuate from mediocre to good, but miss significant time with minor injuries, and probably add another fruity piercing to his repertoire. Once he is in his next contract year, he will win 17 games and lead the league in K's. Stir, repeat until retirement.

1 comment:

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