Monday, November 17, 2008

Free Agent Profile: Brad Penny


Name: Bradley Wayne Penny
DOB: 5/24/78
Is Fat: True
Throws Wild Sucker-Punches at Unsuspecting Club-Goers: True
Will Still Get Paid Even Though his ERA was Greater Than 6.00: True
Is Not Fair: True
Even Less Fair than Penny's Promiscuous Sexual Encounters with Hot Actresses: False, but a close second

Breakdown

Brad Penny - part of the not-so-exclusive-club of baseball players who have given B-actress Alyssa Milano their dipstick - is searching for redemption. He started this past season as the Dodgers uncontested ace, and ended on the season on DL, missing the Dodgers run in the post season. He also failed to do what most marginal free agents do, which is capitalize on a contract year by putting up inflated numbers thus proving that the world and everyone in it revolves around and feeds off the swollen green teet of greed.

So, Penny was unable to hit pay-dirt. And why? Because he got fucking fat. Not bulked-up, not more muscular, but fat. He's a fat shit, and I'm sure that had something to do with him not living up to his 2007 season. In lieu of a pay-raise, he decided to go heavy on the Denny's breakfast, the Italian combos', the sweet pretzels from the mall that taste like they were baked by God.

And I think he fucked Elisha Dushku, which is brain-damagingly annoying, too.

Prognosis

Worst case scenario, Penny joins the Red Sox, adding to Theo Epstein's attempt at decolorizing his team. Then he starts to regain his old, non-morbidly-obese form, and start winning again, helping fortify the Sox rotation issues.

Best case scenario, Penny gets a deal from the Astros or Rangers, and succumbs to temptation and joins the overwhelming amount of fat Texans, never being seen or heard from again, only mentioned in tall-tales by drifters who swear they saw a 500 lb man outside a Carl's Jr. near the Mexican border, throwing hard empty Big Gulp sliders at the side of a trash can.

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