Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Free Agent Profile: Carl Pavano

Name: Carl Pavano
DOB: 1/8/76
Steps in Shit More Often Than Not: True
Sexual Adventures: Erotic, but sometimes unsatisfying
Typical Guido Look: Minus nerdy haircut, true
Actually from Uppity Section of Connecticut: True
Favorite First Date: Backseat of his car, face down ass up
First Love: Mama's cooking


In a surprising move, the New York Yankees declined to pick up Carl Pavano's option, instead opting to hand him more money he does not deserve. Pavano said "thanks again, suckers," and proceeded to take a huge shit on top of Hal Steinbrenner's head.

Pavano will be remembered for getting naked with these two...

...more than he will for accomplishing any athletic feat while in pinstripes.

Pavano, signed to a 4 year, $39.95 million deal in 2005, has been nothing short of worthless. He provided no services, besides fodder for the unfunny and hokey New York media. While they got a kick out of calling him "American Idle", no one else did, and routinely wished that both Pavano and the media, would perish in a plane crash over the Rocky Mountains.


Now that Pavano is a free agent, he has time to explore his career options, which include switching to a relief role, continuing to suck as a starter in the A.L., or moving back to the National League where he could potentially win 15 games and have an ERA under 4.00. Also, Pavano is said to be contemplating a career in Hollywood. His logic is, since he's already inserted his dick into almost every B starlet out there, why not move closer, so he can do so with more frequency and less jet/cock-lag.

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