Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Free Agent Profile: Jason Giambi


Name: Jason Gilbert Giambi
DOB: 1/8/71
Is Weird that All These Guys Have Awful Middle-Names: True
Hair: Fresh out of the shower wet
Alcohol Preference: 151 proof anything
BAC Preference: .19
BAC Preference of Lady-Friend: .29

Breakdown

Jason Giambi has had a tumultuous decade. He signed - at the time - one of the most lucrative sports contracts in history, under the assumption he would join the Yankees, win a handful of rings, and turn-out every bleach-blond from the Upper East Side to Seaside Heights. Well, only the latter part came true. He only played in one series, falling to the Marlins in 2003.

Last season, he proved he could still slug, hitting 32 home runs and driving in 96 in only 145 games. He also sported the greasiest, sweatiest mustache since Wade Boggs was manning 3B and slamming back 34 Miller Lite's on cross-country flights. There is also this other thing he is really good at - it's called OBP, apparently GMs still don't believe this specific stat warrants any weight - maybe they think it's fucking black magic or something. Or maybe, just maybe, they're all fucking idiots.

Prognosis


Giambi could be an upgrade for many teams - namely Toronto, who's best power-hitter last season was 62-year-old Matt Stairs. Giambi could also be headed back to Oakland, where he would be paired with Coors Field-less Matt Holliday, instantly placing Oakland back in contention, to the delight of Billy Beane and chagrin of every single doubt-sodden writer who loves seeing small market teams fail miserably. A move to California would mark his return to fucking Cali girls again, instead of those needy Murray Hill girls who have too many Red Bull and vodkas, cry at the club, yell in the cab, cry after sex, and then make him go to breakfast with her and her fat lonely friend in the morning.

Yeah, those Cali girls sure are stupid...But at least they're fun.

2 comments:

Joan of said...

At least 45% more annoying Murray Hill jews will be on the market on Saturday nights...

Joan of said...

At least 45% more annoying Murray Hill jews will be on the market on Saturday nights...