Friday, November 21, 2008

Free Agent Profile: Kevin Millar


Name: Kevin Charles Millar
DOB: 9/24/71
Still Puts Highlights in His Hair: True
Learned Hair-Dying Technique From Mike Piazza: Assumed
I Would Rather Drink Bleach Then Have Him Play for the Yankees: Abso-fucking-lutely

Breakdown

There aren't many baseball players out there that I hate more than Kevin Millar. There's just something about him that makes me want to hit a vagabond over the head with a folding chair every time I hear his name. Maybe it's his dyed blond/bald/long hair - which he uses to get attention - or his stupid unfunny catch-phrases that entertain fans who have the same sense of humor as a dead cat. His expressions "Cowboy Up" and "Idiots" were the monikers for the 2003 and 2004 Red Sox, and I'm sure there are a ton of inbreds from Boston who have these exact terms tattooed relatively close to their tribal bands and/or their tramp-stamps. Hopefully they were applied with infected needles (unfortunately, you can't always get what you want, or what's right for society). Or maybe it's the way the press and television announcers like to tag him as a "comedian" or a "character" or a "clubhouse guy". All of these things make me violently ill, and leave me wondering how such brain-damaged individuals can hold such high-paying jobs. If being unfunny and a drunk makes you a good clubhouse guy, then sign me up!

Millar was also a replacement player after the 1994 strike season, which shows you that he's a backstabbing rube who will fuck your wife for a free ticket to the circus (have no idea what this means). The only plus that came out of this situation is he's banned from the Major League Players Association for life, forcing him and his family to use Cobra or some other shitty independent health care provider. That's what you get for messing with the man, motherfucker.

And let's not forget Millar threw out the first pitch in last season's (2007) ALCS Game 7 in Fenway Park, even though he was a member of the Baltimore Orioles. If I was - and thank the sweet Lord I'm not - a fan of Peter Angelos' fuckshow team, I would have pulled someone's card, and channeled the shit-your-pants terror portrayed in West Baltimore's "The Wire" to make sure Millar never made it out of BWI airport when he returned.

Prognosis

More likely than not, Millar will get a 1 or 2 year contract from some shit team looking to inject some life into their meager existence. Only when Millar starts clapping like the annoying kid on your Little League team who would rather take grounders at shortstop than try and make out with a girl will the General Manager who signed him realize he made a mind-numbing and potentially career-crippling mistake. Think Seattle, or even better, Texas, so I can make fun of Jon Daniels some more for being an inept, poor excuse for a human being.

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