Thursday, November 6, 2008

Free Agent Profile: Manny Ramirez


Name: Manuel Aristides Onelcida Ramirez
DOB: 5/30/72
Hometown: The charming Washington Heights section of Manhattan
Nickname: Man-Ram
Nickname Refers To: Violent gay rape
This is Weird: True
Favorite Movie: The Last Unicorn
Favorite TV Personality: Emmitt Smith, especially when he recites long, unintelligible, ignorance-revealing monologues

Breakdown


What can be said about Manny Ramirez that hasn't already been said 147 times over? The man single-handily took a squandering team, lifted them onto his shoulder, and carried them to the N.L.C.S., the whole time thinking he was playing "Turok" on Nintendo 64. He is a myth, a modern day legend, a folk hero, and a retard. As of today, Ned Colletti* offered him what has been perceived to be - aside from Gay-Rod's deal - the richest year-to-year contract in baseball. But the amount of year's may be too short for Manny's and Count Boras's taste.

Prognosis

As recently as last week, Manny has stated he wants to go to the highest bidder, saying "gas is up, and I'm up". The demand for oil immediately hit a pitfall proving further that Manny's has no idea what he's talking about - ever.

But let's be honest here for a moment: Who wouldn't want Manny in the middle of their lineup? If anyone answers "no", they are fucking liars, and I demand they be dragged out into the street and stoned to death. He is the best right-handed hitter in baseball, and maybe the best right-handed hitter of our generation. Unfortunately God decided to play a joke and give him the mind of a 13-year-old kid obsessed with Star Wars and Dungeons and Dragons. Sometimes that God can be a cruel sonuvabitch...


*Ned Colletti is the worst fucking General Manager in the National League, second only in the entire Major League baseball stratosphere to the Texas Rangers GM, Jon Daniels, who should be exiled to fucking Oz or some shit. Colletti has added, in recent years, Andruw Jones - 2 years, $36.2 million, Jason Schmidt - 3 years, $47 million, and Juan Pierre (even though they already have 17 outfielders) 5 years, $44 million. This guy is a fucking joke, which makes me wonder, if given the power, how superior I would be at his position...

2 comments:

Dan said...

Wait. What happened with Brian Sabean? Did you bury him in the Pacific never to be heard from/written about again?

He signed Ray Durham and Edgardo Alfonso to be the "rocks" around what was then, the greatest spectacle of hitting ever created (of course through completely illegal substances and rampant cheating). Long term deal for Armando Benitez? He used Herges as a closer!! Forfeiting draft picks non stop. Oh, and he continually rapes (true) Lincecum in the mean streets of San Fran in front of hundreds of thousands of adoring gay men.

Doc Holliday said...

The only reason Brian Sabean loses out to Ned Colletti is because he drafted Lincecum, Cain, LHP Madison Bumgarner, and RHP Tim Alderson. He has a stable of young arms just waiting to be traded for underachieving position players.

Colletti only knows how to draft guys with a lot of potential who ultimately do nothing in the pros.