Friday, November 14, 2008

Free Agent Profile: Mike Hampton

Name: Michael William Hampton
Born: 9/9/72
Hometown: Brooksville, FL
Height: Miniature
Only NL pitcher to win an Gold Glove other than Greg Maddux in the last 30 years?: Yes
Career BA: .241 (Nasty for a pitcher. He's been the best hitting pitcher in baseball 3 out of the last 10 years)
DL History: Hilarious* (see below)
Great Athlete?: Yes
More injury prone than a hemophiliac?: Yes
Ironic?: Yes
Type of footwear he's wearing in picture above: Boat shoes

*[May 21,2005] - 15 Day Disabled list - (strained left forearm)
[Jun 5,2005] - 15 Day Disabled list - (strained left forearm)
[Jul 26,2005] - 15 Day Disabled list - (backache)
[Aug 23,2005] - 15 Day Disabled list - (back injury)
[Mar 31,2006] - 15 Day Disabled list - (Tommy John surgery)
[Apr 7,2006] - Transferred to 60 day DL.
[Mar 30,2007] - 15 Day Disabled list - (Injury unknown)
[Apr 16,2007] - Transferred to 60 day DL.

...see, I told you! A real laugh riot!


Remember back to the 2000 season? Mike was coming off a near Cy Young performance, garnering a 22-4 record with the Astros. He was at the top of his game. He was a workhorse. Going into that year, the Mets traded "the future" (Octavio Dotel, Roger Cedeno, plus prospect) for 1/3 of the Killer B's, Derek "I'll live in a house boat in Queens harbor and most likely be dealing drugs out of it" Bell, and Mike Hampton. Mighty Mike went on to pitch his heart out for the Metsies en route to the 2000 Subway Series, earning NLCS MVP honors along the way. Upon the completion of that season, he sold his soul to the devil/Rockies in exchange for approx $14 mil a year for 8 years, a great public school system, and apparently his muscles and ligaments being exchanged for toothpicks and bubble gum...Pre-chewed bubble gum.


This man has no hope and no future. The days of that clean cut go-getter you see in the above photo are loooooooooong gone. I can't imagine any team but the starting pitching starved Atlanta Braves taking a 1 year flyer on a washed-up, waste of left arm like this guy. He WILL get injured again, because, well, that's just what he does best. Pencil him into a Braves uniform for a 1 year deal with around $2 mil.


Doc Holliday said...

He's going to Houston. Watch. Ed Wade thinks he owns a time machine, but it's actually his old Volvo.

Jeff Town, USA said...

say what you want about the man, but at least his kids got a great colorado education.

Doc Holliday said...

He only played two season there, his kids barely had enough time to get beat up for having a shitty pitcher for a dad.

Anonymous said...

The way he gets injured he will probably be out after the first game, get traded and then his kids are really screwed.

John said...

The way he gets injured he probably wont make it past the first game. His kids wont be in Houston for long then his kids will get lucky again.

BigPimpin said...

I dont care what anyone says Hampton is gonna make a solid contibution to the Houston roster. He's got a few more tricks up his sleave.

J said...

Jack Black?

Doc Holliday said...


Absolutely - that's going up on the next CC.