Friday, November 14, 2008

Free Agent Profile: Milton Bradley


Name: Milton Bradley
DOB: 4/15/78
Mental State: Somewhere between unstable and dangerous
Correctly Accused Jeff Kent of Being a Rascist: True
Threw Bag of Balls at Home Plate Umpire: True
Threw Bottle at a Fan: True
Was Traded by Indians for Being a Lazy Asshole: True
Tore His Knee Ligament While Fighting with Ump: True
Tried to Attack Royals Clubhouse Announcer but was Intercepted by GM and Manager After Game: True
Writes a Blog For the New York Times: Frighteningly True

Breakdown

There are three levels of craziness in baseball. Just three. Here's a quick rundown.

1. Wanna-be Crazy - Think Gary Sheffield. If you think he is legitimately crazy, pay attention to the two seconds before he charged Fausto Carmona. He wanted nothing to do with him, but pride gave him a polite shove forward. Jonny Gomes falls into this category as well. Tatoos do not make you crazy. Neither does fucking wake-boarding, Jonny.

2. Subdued Crazy - Think Kyle Farnsworth, Manny Ramirez, or Turk Wendall. All of these guys are harmless as long as they're left alone. Kind of like bees, perhaps, or hungry bums on the subway. Piss them off, and you're in trouble, but and instigation is necessary to unleash lunacy.

3. Certifiably Crazy - Think Carl Everett or Elijah Dukes or Milton Bradley. You don't want to cross any of these guys in fucking Epcot Center on a Saturday morning during a charity event, let alone do so in a compromising situation. They are capable of unprovoked assault and verbal tirades that leave even the most postured people wilting.

Prognosis

We all know this fucking guy is getting a deal from someone. And personally, I'm looking forward to it. Why cut a freak show short when there's still weird shit left to see? Bradley will get 2+ years of extended delusion, guaranteed. And let's pray he's paired with a manager who likes to throw down with his players, a la John Gibbons, because player-manager brawls make life a little bit sweeter.

13 comments:

Anonymous said...

Wow Milton Bradley will bring fireworks to where goes hes soooo crazy ;). I think him and Manny Ramirez would be a match made in heaven but who i, i'm just your average Tom, Dick, and Joe hmmmm. Hope he gets signed love to see that big boy in action.

King Dong said...

you sound gay.

Anonymous said...

Even if am its none of your business you insensitive bastard......

AK-47 said...

anonymous is right, 'dong. On top of that, you shouldn't make fun of marginally literate people. On a comment board, they just can't fight back.

Doc Holliday said...

It's Tom, Dick and Harry, BTW. Get your overused and cliche phrases correct.

Anonymous said...

I no care what people think. King dong leave me be i free to voice my thought per america constitution

Anonymous said...

up yours doc holliday

Doc Holliday said...

This is fun, I love making fun of gay retards!

Anonymous said...

doc holliday you must go in front of the mirror and make fun of yourself alot then

Doc Holliday said...

ba-dum-ch!

That was a real knee-slapper!

Take a hike, you're novelty has passed.

Anonymous said...

why do you use all these big words for doc holliday is it to compensate for a small penis thats why i think your such a dick head.

Anonymous said...

hey doc holliday what do you think you are the 2008 mike lupica

Doc Holliday said...

I'm sorry our blog doesn't cater to mildly retarded, uneducated people. We have no use for you, other than amusement. Either take a lesson in English, or go beg for change on the 4 train.

Mike Lupica does though, go to Daily News.com