Friday, November 14, 2008
Free Agent Profile: Milton Bradley
Name: Milton Bradley
Mental State: Somewhere between unstable and dangerous
Correctly Accused Jeff Kent of Being a Rascist: True
Threw Bag of Balls at Home Plate Umpire: True
Threw Bottle at a Fan: True
Was Traded by Indians for Being a Lazy Asshole: True
Tore His Knee Ligament While Fighting with Ump: True
Tried to Attack Royals Clubhouse Announcer but was Intercepted by GM and Manager After Game: True
Writes a Blog For the New York Times: Frighteningly True
There are three levels of craziness in baseball. Just three. Here's a quick rundown.
1. Wanna-be Crazy - Think Gary Sheffield. If you think he is legitimately crazy, pay attention to the two seconds before he charged Fausto Carmona. He wanted nothing to do with him, but pride gave him a polite shove forward. Jonny Gomes falls into this category as well. Tatoos do not make you crazy. Neither does fucking wake-boarding, Jonny.
2. Subdued Crazy - Think Kyle Farnsworth, Manny Ramirez, or Turk Wendall. All of these guys are harmless as long as they're left alone. Kind of like bees, perhaps, or hungry bums on the subway. Piss them off, and you're in trouble, but and instigation is necessary to unleash lunacy.
3. Certifiably Crazy - Think Carl Everett or Elijah Dukes or Milton Bradley. You don't want to cross any of these guys in fucking Epcot Center on a Saturday morning during a charity event, let alone do so in a compromising situation. They are capable of unprovoked assault and verbal tirades that leave even the most postured people wilting.
We all know this fucking guy is getting a deal from someone. And personally, I'm looking forward to it. Why cut a freak show short when there's still weird shit left to see? Bradley will get 2+ years of extended delusion, guaranteed. And let's pray he's paired with a manager who likes to throw down with his players, a la John Gibbons, because player-manager brawls make life a little bit sweeter.