Monday, November 10, 2008

Free Agent Profile: Richie Sexson

Name: Richmond Lockwood Sexson
Above Name is a Joke: Negative
DOB: 12/29/74
Height: Ridiculously Gangly
Was Once Traded for Junior Spivey, Craig Counsell, Lyle Overbay, Chad Moeller, Chris Capuano and Jorge de La Rosa: Affirmative
Now is Unemployed and Probably Eating from the Trash: Affirmative


There was a time when I would have shit my pants if you told me the Yankees signed/traded for Richie Sexson. It actually happened this past summer, and my pants stayed unsoiled. Why? Because Sexson has flirted with the Mendoza line for the past three seasons, and was finally released by the Mariners, and then was pity-signed by the Yankees because they were worried Jason Giambi’s head was going to explode. He can still hit home runs, mainly because he’s seventeen feet tall, but his ability to go to opposite field is gone, and so are his chances to land a serious contract.


If I was the General Manager of the Nationals, first I would stick my head in the toilet for being such a waste of life, and second I would sign a guy like Sexson. There are several reasons for this. He’s only 33 years old, he won’t cost much, and he has a track record. Plus, he may be able to bring back some of his pop, and he’s a better option than Nick “My leg is made out of pretzel rods” Johnson, or Dmitri “obesity is an issue and causes diabetes” Young. So, fuck it, why not?

You know what really fucking bothers me? When I have my first day off (today) in I don't know how fucking long, and there are two dickheads in the hallway banging a metal sheet with a hammer. I don't even think they're working - I honestly think they are just wailing away on a metal pipe for the fuck of it. This sucks. All I want to do is watch Sopranos reruns, eat a sandwich, and maybe, just maybe, take a fucking nap. But no, my day off, and they're playing the fucking subway drums in my hallway. Fucking die. And to top it off, only one elevator is working. I live in a goddamn building with 25 floors of apartments, and there's 1 ELEVATOR WORKING! I want to walk down to the manager's office and take a shit in a hidden drawer, and then layer said shit with old salmon.

They just started drilling. I wish I was at work...


Dan said...

I need a Jets post about how bad we are. Please. All this positive stuff is really starting to get to my head and I don't think I can deal with it much longer without legitimately thinking we might have a shot (don't).

Dan said...

completed un-related amazingness