Monday, November 3, 2008

Righting a Sinking Ship - How to Fix the 2009 Yankees


I have the solution that will fix the ailing New York Yankees. Yes, me, a mild-mannered blogger, has the formula that will end the Yankees 1 year playoff drought. For those of you who have suffered through this year of intense hardship, fear no more, I'm presenting a strategy that will blow your head and neck clean off your shoulders. Do you want to hear it? Do you? Do you think you can handle the intricacy of it? Those are rhetorical questions, really, because you're fucking-A right you're going to hear it.

For Brian Cashman, I have only two words. SPEND. MONEY. And there in capitals, so you know they're both important words and I'm yelling them. It's a simple concept, but sometimes people tend to over think the idea. And lately, I've heard a lot about teams like the Yankees tightening the belt a bit. That's fucking nonsense, don't even try bringing up the economic crisis talk that's sweeping the nation - it's bullshit. You have nothing to worry about Cash, because there are a ton of uneducated corporate schmucks out there that who are dying to pony-up $1,000 a pop to sit behind home plate, use their cellphone, and wave at their retarded friends for seven innings straight. So, take all the money you're retaining by letting loose Mussina, Giambi, Pavano and Abreu - about $60 million - and throw it right back in the face of some free agents. It'll feel so good, Brian, I swear, just like the time you got drunk off Patron and plowed that Rosa Mexicana's waitress in the back of your Lincoln Town Car. Do it.

Here's the rundown:

- First up, sign Manny Ramirez to DH. I don't care if he has character issues, or if he's moody, or if he's certifiable and likes to fuck a stuffed elephant called "Papi" in front of his locker every day - he can still hit the shit out of the ball. And, after giving him four years of contract security, he will physically and emotionally rape Boston each time he faces them. Just watch. It will be violent and sexual and filled with rage-splattered screams that echo through the rafters of the new Yankee Stadium, no doubt filling Hank Steinbrenner's black heart with unbridled joy.

- Next, get that fat-fuck Sabathia in XXXXL pinstripes immediately. He wants a house made of chocolate? Make it happen. He wants a locker made of hamburgers? Hire someone with the brain-power to create something so stupid and yet so delicious. Left Ace's are not on the table open for bidding every off season.

- And while you're at it, go out and get Derek Lowe. I don't care that the last time he pitched in the A.L. his ERA was 5x higher than Joba's breathalyzer results - he eats innings similar to the way C.C. eats Whoppers - by the hundreds. Lowe has pitched 200+ innings in five of the last seven seasons. The Yankees haven't had a workhorse like that since 2003.

- To finish off this rotation, let Joba start. He will give you statistical boners all season, so just go with it.

- If both of these guys are inked and Joba's slotted in as the #5 starter, the rotation looks like this: Sabathia, Wang, Pettite, Lowe, Chamberlain. Up your ass, American League contenders.

- Next, slide Robinson Cano over to 1B, then sign Orlando Hudson. This improves the defense from 'shit' to 'warning farts'. The Yankees infield's defense is not going to become amazing overnight, but removing Cano from second base and bringing in a Gold Glover is a nice start.

- Leave center field up for grabs. Will Gardner win out? Can Melky return to his 2007 form? Will Austin Jackson take the major league by storm? Someone will step it up, so have some faith in the young ones - believe it or not - the Yankees DO NOT NEED ALL-STARS AT EVERY FUCKING POSITION TO WIN. Remember Chad Curtis, Charlie Hayes, Luis Sojo? Yeah, I fucking thought so. Let the best of what's already in the system compete for the spot and move on.

- Don't make any dramatic changes to the bullpen. Have some faith in Veras, Coke, Sanchez, or one of the other rookies auditioning in Spring Training, hoping they step up and settle into the set-up role. And also sign a lefty as insurance, someone like Dennys Reyes. He's fat too, he can hang out with Sabathia.


Now, it's imperative that Cashman follows these instructions to a T. There can be no straying - he can't bring in someone like A.J. Burnett who decides to pitch well in one out of every four seasons. That shit should be unacceptable. Invest money in players that have proven track records, not decrepit old men on their last leg.

It's the Yankees only hope, otherwise, there's a chance the team could miss the playoffs for the second straight season!

Just think about it - right now, out there, there's an 7-year old kid in the Bronx who has never seen the Yankees win a World Series, and he's beginning to think it might never happen.

(wipes tear away, finishes signing over soul to Satan)

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