Tuesday, November 11, 2008


You may be wondering who this puny shirtless nerd is heading this post. Is it homage to some undiscovered high school phenom? Is it Doc at a young and reckless age? Is it AK during his marching band days?

Nope - it's your 2008 National League Cy Young Award Winner, Tim Lincecum. Doesn't this picture and his triumph just make you feel awful about being a fat, lazy, disgusting shit who eats Haagen Dazs like it's jam-packed with Vitamin C? Well, it should...

And why am I so exuberant to learn that Skinny Tim is this year's man amongst boys? Do I hold a secret affection for San Francisco? Do I yearn to prance freely around the city by the bay?

Fuck no.

Actually, if it was up to me, that fucking place would be floating out in the Pacific right about now. But it's not, unfortunately, so I'll leave it up to God to punish those glory-hole loving hippies...

But back to the celebration. I'm excited because baseball writers finally got it right with their Cy Young ballots. They ignored the fact that Brandon Webb won 22 games, and cited Lincecum's performance for a club that was compiled of washed-up scrubs, green rookies, and fucking Rich Aurilia. And despite being sand-bagged by a douchebag owner and hapless GM, Lincecum continually dominated the opposition, game after game. And don't forget that he almost died during the All-Star break, but came back even stronger, and ended up leading the league in strikeouts, with 265 K's, and placing second in ERA, with a staggering 2.62.

My heartfelt congratulations goes out to Tim. Here's to a few more seasons before your body completely shuts down and you become a arthritic cripple afraid to even set foot outside your dark unforgiving bedroom!


AK-47 said...

How'd you know I was in the marching band? And how'd you find that pic, were you two college roommates?

Doc Holliday said...

If Lincecum was my college roomate I would not be sitting in a cubicle in Manhattan...I'd be sitting in a cubicle in Seattle.