Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Workplace Ageism - A Good Idea for These 5 Pitchers

In the midst of baseball's free agent hoopla, people tend to forget about the gritty, aging veterans. The guys who have fought in the trenches, ground out victories in situations nobody thought possible, and performed heroic feats that go into the record books as epicical myths people will soon listen to with awe and wonder.

Unfortunately, in reality, either some of these guys have garnered contracts that are way above market value, or are free agents looking for one last stop before retirement. Now, don't get me wrong, I can be sentimental, but for the most part, a man isn't going to retire from his profession unless he's been killed, won the lottery, or forced out by a younger, better version of himself.

Here are 5 pitchers who need that little pat on their old, arthritic backs, just to get them moving along, making sure they sign their quit papers on the way out the clubhouse door.

1. Steve Trachsel
2008 Stats: 2-5, 8.39 ERA
Aren't you ashamed of yourself? I know I am. I'm ashamed of you for trying to prolong a dead career, and I'm even more ashamed of that ass-fuck Andy MacPhail in Baltimore for entertaining the idea that you could still pitch.

2. Tom Glavine
You won 300 games - remind me again, why are you still around? I thought that after you rolled over that statistical crest, you would disappear for good? But, no, you still loom. Not stand - loom. Is it because you want to avoid your family? Still can't relate to your wife, who you feel like you barely know? Feel like someone else raised your kids? Let me assure you, those feelings couldn't be more correct. Great observation!

3. Brett Tomko
The fact that I'm EVEN LISTING YOU here is ridiculous. If there aren't enough signs out there encouraging you to walk off into the sunset - here are a few more:
- You played poorly for Kansas City last season - which is like having your sexual prowess criticized by a hooker
- You were signed by San Diego and used as a long-reliever for a team with awful starting pitching
- You were marginal in your prime

4. Pedro Martinez
Don't give me this shit that you can "help some team down the stretch". You know why I'm not buying that? Because you've been unable to "help a team down the stretch" since 2004. Your once devastating fastball tops out at 89. You off-speed pitching hits 83. Not much of a difference there, Pete, it may be time to hang it up and wait for the call from Cooperstown.

5. Mark Mulder
Stop getting fantasy owners hopes up because you had a good season 3 years ago, but didn't forward on the memo that your arm was expired. Quit before that thing falls off while you're handling a newborn.

No comments: