Thursday, December 18, 2008

Pirates - The Bottom of the Barrel

You know your respective team has hit rock-bottom when this is a newsworthy headline. Really, Ray King? Who's their fallback lefty reliever, Joey Eischen? Next thing you know, the Pirates are going to be selling their ass on the corner for $15 and kicking up earnings to a pimp named 'Black Nasty Mike'.

And this is where the Pirates stand, on the outskirts of reality, completely ignoring the fact that they are a major league franchise. They're like a meth addict who's finally gone insane, and thinks they are a bottle of shampoo.

It's no new news to Pirates fans that their team has submerged themselves so deep in the toilet, all light has been extinguished. The last time they finished above .500, Kurt Cobain still had a face. Since then, their highest win total for a season was 79 in 1999. The sad facts go on and on. If you want to get depressed, look at their current offensive depth chart, it will make you consider nudging that hair dryer you have carefully balanced on your tub basin a little closer to the luke-warm water.

And the worst part about the club's situation is there's no end in sight. No really, there is no end in sight. The wave of young pitching that was supposed to carry this team failed miserably last season. Ian Snell? Tom Gorzelany? Zach Duke? Not gonna' cut it, guys. And signing two game show winners from India - yes, game show winners from the starving country of India - is not only a fucking moronic idea, it's also proves my theory that this team has gone off the reservation.

Want some more bad news? No? Well, fuck you, because you're going to hear it anyway. The Pirates scouting and drafting results during the Dave Littlefield era are non-existent, meaning, there's nothing to show for almost a decade's worth of careful analysis and roster planning. Just to help accentuate my point, can you recognize any of the following names?

- John Van Benschoten
- Bryan Bullington
- Neil Walker
- Andrew McCutchen
- Brad Lincoln

No, they're not part of PNC Park's janitorial staff - these are 5 of the 6 first round picks the Pirates had under Dave Littlefield from 2001-2006. None of them have prospered at a major league level, and in some cases, at a minor league level.

So, what now? What has to be done in order for the Pirates to have success? First off, stop making awful, ridiculous lopsided trades with high-in-demand trading chips that could have commanded a King's Ransom. Second, stop drafting young players who start making headlines before they've even had one at-bat in fucking rookie ball. And third, abandon all hope, fans, sacrifice yourself to the baseball Gods, and hope that ten years from now, the Pirates become the 2018 version of this years Rays. Otherwise - start a Meth addiction. It's more rewarding, and I hear Nasty Mike is cool guy if you catch him on a good day.


AK-47 said...

16 seasons since Bonds left Pittsburgh, they haven't have a winning season. The curse of the athlete behind the name of this blog lives!

Mister Turkey said...

Poor, poor Kurt Cobain.

As for the Pirates: let 'em rot.

Upstate Underdog said...

thank God that city has the Steelers and Penguins or it might be more depressing than Buffalo