Friday, December 12, 2008

Creepy Comparison #54: The Time Travel Conspiracy

I think Greg Maddux broke his time machine. And before you ask how, or call me a fucking lunatic, I'll just put it out there - yes, I do believe in time machines. I also believe in Unicorns, The Lost City of Atlantis, American Ninjas, and safe sex.

What makes me think that Maddux has the ability to do what no man has done before? Just look at that face up there! He looks like he aged 20 years in a span of days. What other logical explanation is there? Makeup? 350 game winners don't wear makeup. Photoshop? Nobody Photoshops Greg Maddux, unless their name is Mark Lemke. So, what else could it have been except the inability to return to the future?

Here's what happened...

So, the picture above is Old Man Maddux from 2025. He came back to fondly relive his retirement speech and to also score a quick fuck from some 2008 hookers, because all hookers in 2025 are stowaways from The Republic of China, and lord knows Maddux hates the goddamn Chinese!

When he arrived in 2008, distracted by the prospect of marveling at his young-self and lying naked with a sweet Southern whore named Alabama from Tallahassee,FL, he accidentally landed on Middle Age Maddux, damaging his time machine and killing Middle Age Maddux in the process.

Old Man Maddux didn't know what to do, so he did the only reasonable thing - instead of publicly revealing the time machine he built with Old Man Mike Hampton (who's still on the DL in 2025, after signing a 15 year contract with Colorado after a 20 win season in 2010), he decided to step into Middle Age Maddux's place at the podium, hence, the Jack Lemmon likeness above.

Confused? Perplexed? Overwhelmed with this earth-shattering news that Greg Maddux discovered the impossible ability to travel through time? Well, don't fret, because you're not alone - I too was shocked when I discovered this information. But at least you can sleep well knowing that in 17 years you'll be able to travel back in time and see how mediocre you were as a 20-something, thus disproving your theory about how you should be something more than a fat, bald, middle-aged has-been.

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