Friday, December 5, 2008

Free Agent Profile: Pat Burrell

Name: Patrick Bryan Burrell
DOB: 10/10/76
Nickname: "Pat the Bat"
Shirt in Above Photo Looks Like a Rorschach Image: True
Burrell Gets Raw a Somewhat Deal Because Philly Fans are Retarded: True
Bats .700 Against Mets: False, .702


The lore in Philadelphia is fans have to be a cohesive band of ruthless cocksuckers. Burrell can attest to this. Ever since he became the #1 overall pick in the 1998 draft, he's been asked to save Jesus from the cross, France from the Germans, and South Jersey from the Guido's - going 0 for 3 in the process.

What Philly fans fail to realize is Burrell, despite an unflinching sense of cockiness and strong resemblance to the pre-tub-of shit looking, Ray Liotta, Burrell plays a good game. Although his lifetime average is sub-par at .257, his career OBP is on the higher end of the league, sitting nicely at .367. What does this mean for most GMs? Nothing. Because they're fucking stupid.


Burrell will get a 3-4 year deal from a National League team. Looking at his splits, he doesn't benefit too much from playing in Philly, and actually has more home runs and more RBIs on the road. Will he set the world on fire? No. Will he help a team? Absolutely. He would fit in nicely in San Francisco, not only for the shirtless pictures he likes to take with the boys - ba dum ch! - but also because he has as good a chance as anyone to out-slug team offensive juggernaut, Bengie Molina.


AK-47 said...
(scroll down to 2nd picture on page)

I have nothing else to say about Pat the Bat

J said...

and South Jersey from the Guido's

He's getting a bum rap on this one especially. It'd be easier to convince Al Sharpton to like white people...