Wednesday, December 24, 2008

God's Gift to Mankind Speaks


Does it come as a surprise to anyone that I was justly compensated for my illustrious talents and ability to strike fear into the heart's of opposing pitchers? Fuck and no. Andy Sonnanstine? Give me a break. More like Andrea Sonnestine!

(Looks around for laughter - sees nothing)

(flexes biceps - crowd ohhs and ahhs)

As I was saying...Boston didn't want to pony up, so you know what? Fuck them and their soggy white chowder. I like my chowder red, like my victim's blood.

(crowd claps in adoration)

And let it be known that I'm more than happy to be a part of the Yankees monopoly organization and am willing to sacrifice life and limb to help bring another championship home to Severna Park, MD The Bronx. After all, it's been a financial decision lifetime dream of mine to play in pinstripes. I mean, isn't that everyone's dream? To be paid like a movie star, hounded by the press like you're a Britney Spear's relapse, and carry A-Rod's slumping load on your back?

(Flexes biceps - tenderly kissed each one)

(Crowd ohhs and ahhs)

Most of all, I'd like to thank Hank and Hal Steinbrenner, who went above and beyond what every other organization deemed financially plausible and blew them out of the water. That's how I want my contract talks to unfold - like fucking "Die Hard". And not that shitty one that came out recently with that queer kid named Shiloh or whatever, the original one. Because in that one, just when you thought it was over, here comes John McClain, swooping in to save your ass and hand you bags full of money. Speaking of which, I think I hear Hank coming now.

(crowd turns)


HANK: *coughs* I need change for this $1,000 bill for another pack of unfiltered Reds, that fucking camel jockey outside refuses to break it *coughs*.

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