Tuesday, December 9, 2008

A King's Ransom

So, C.C. wants to play in Los Angeles, huh? Well, I disagree with his opinion. So here's a breakdown of the two cities featuring the pros and cons of both - not only on the playing field, but off it as well. And, because I assume C.C. reads WMHG religiously, I also assume this will help him make a decision so I can move on with my life.


NEW YORK CITY


According to some people, The Big Apple is a living, breathing organism. While I disagree with this theory - I know for a fact the streets are made of concrete and that shit does not have any white blood cells - the city does carry a unique aura. It's been around for several thousands of years, too, so there's so much history to uncover. Do I know anything about this history? No, but that shouldn't deter anyone from coming to New York and exploring it and living here and anchoring an anemic pitching staff and helping me regain my appetite and ability to downplay obvious Yankee weaknesses and...

THE PROS:

- Food catered to all ethnicities, not just anorexic wannabe waitresses/models
- Nightlife that is not restricted to dickbag clubs filled with washed-up celebrities looking for a quick cock fix (male or female)
- Deciduous trees - gorgeous in the fall!
- Yankee Stadium role call
- $140MM = lottery money
- Guaranteed to be surrounded with overpaid albeit competitive players every single season
- The Muppet's never took that lame-ass Los Angeles
- A non-bias by fans toward fat, left-handed starters
- 6 years of A-Rod!

THE CONS:

- Ugly bums, unlike the more attractive and hygienic West Coast bums
- Cold weather = shoveling. Fat people hate to shovel
- Fat, ignorant Yankee fans named Vinny calling WFAN and proposing unthinkably retarded trades and chastising well-paid pitchers
- The South Bronx
- Lingering smell of feet and assholes on the subway
- Gridlock traffic on the Major Deegan
- Share same city as fuckface Tim Robbins
- Brain-dead athletes carrying firearms around like it's Dodge fucking City
- Not many at-bats to hone self-proclaimed great hitting skills
- 6 years of A-Rod!


LOS ANGELES


Do you like riding in convertibles in January? Do you like holidaying in Santa Monica with an imported Top Ten model named Jade? Do you like seven miles between you and a 7-Eleven? Do you like your gang violence intense with less focus on Hispanics? Do you also like brushing elbows with today's youngest, hottest stars and starlets, all looking for a career spike followed by a downward spiral filled with coke bj's and pill addiction? If so, then L.A. is the place for you.

THE PROS:

- Weather so perfect it gives you a 24/7 boner
- Filling out a rotation with Chad Billingsley, Clayton Kershaw, Hong-Chih Kuo, and Hiroki Kuroda is not only ethnically pleasing but also pretty fucking stacked
- Major bodies of water are not filled with discarded corpses and hospital waste
- Joe Torre's 100 pitch pitch-count as opposed to Dale Sveum's 275 pitch pitch-count
- Close to wife and kid(s)

THE CONS:

- Apathetic fans more concerned with thumb cuticles than score of game
- Automatically becomes fattest person in city
- Star-fucking groupies looking for a quick payout
- Close to wife and kid(s)
- Pasadena, Watts, Inglewood, West Hollywood...anywhere within city limits, actually
- Skinny, well-traveled producers accidentally calling XTRA to request new, gay single by "The Fray"
- Share same city as fuckface Bill Simmons
- State Government run by man who has already defeated Predator, The Devil and Sinbad

Which one will it be?

2 comments:

johnny fontane said...

Sabathia is a piece of shit..he will suck if Yanks get him..they blew it not signing Santana last year..the guy wanted to be a Yankee and that yamaka wearing prick cashman was holding onto Melky and Ian Kennedy like gold

King Dong said...

Santana is 100% better than Sabathia. They should at least try and trade for Peavy.