Monday, December 15, 2008

A Page From God's Gift to Mankind's Diary

Dear Greatest Man on the Face of God's Green and Beautiful Earth(me),

It's been another uneventful day, still waiting on a call from Scott, still waiting to hear which team is going to pay me enough money to build my lavish dream house with custom hooker stockpile and a functioning Zagat rated pub in the basement.

And why shouldn't I shower my perfect self with such copious luxuries? My left testicle can do more and give back more to the community than most people's entire body and mind! Jeez, it's scary how much better I am than everyone else. Even the skilled professionals I hire, like my gardener, Hector. He can't cultivate lilies for shit. I had to show him how to do it properly. Then I fired him. And my cleaning lady, Olga - she handed back my towels and they were rough as sandpaper on my blemish-free body, so I had to show her how to add the correct amount of fabric softener. Then I fired her, too.

I just don't understand why everyone can't be as fantastic as I am at everything? I mean, just look at my shirt - this isn't from the 2006 World Baseball Classic, this is a gift from Uncle Sam. Yes, thee Uncle Sam. He actually exists. He lives in a duplex in Garden City, NY under the alias 'Uriah Samuel'. Anyway, he gave me this shirt for being the best American ever. In your fucking face, the late Charlton Heston!

So,I've been keeping notes of what I've been up to since the season ended. Once I'm signed to a new team, I plan on publishing them and winning my third Pulitzer Prize. What, you really think Cormac McCarthy Geraldine Brooks are real people? Smarten up, dip-shit.

Anyway, here's a peak into a life that's so much better than yours, it may push you over the brink to suicide. But don't worry, I'll save you just in the nick-of-time, and garner even more public attention and grace.

Monday 12/15

- Saw an injured fawn today, healed it with the magical Shamen powers I acquired on my visit to the Comanche reservation. Released fawn back into wild, watched it frolick, then put it down with my homemade bow and arrow from a record distance. Accepted Guinness Book of World Records' offer to be enshrined into record books.

- Sculpted a life-sized statue of myself baking "World's Best Crab Cake Sandwich". Accepted MacArthur's Fellowship Award. Burned prize money in new Eco-friendly heating stove.

- Broke Sound Barrier while stretching.

- Wrestled Black Bear away from Westminster Prize dog pen. Immediately domesticated it and taught it to throw a 12-6 curve for batting cage time.

(kisses both arms and calf muscles)

Sounds amazing to be me, right? I know, I know, I just can't help myself sometimes. And I understand the media attention being brought upon me, because seriously, what's not to like about bulging biceps and a smile that can blind a child?


(blinds adoring children)

(heals them of their blindness)

(flexes to an audience of 'ohhs' and 'ahhs')

(gets paid more money than your entire extended family - even those weird fucking cousins on your mom's side -combined)

Hugs and Kisses,


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